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Why can't my daughter get along with other kids?

She is 7. I will start by saying she is indeed oversensitive, bossy, and can't let things go. We work really hard on it. I am even bringing her to counseling. My husband's family fell apart in an extremely devastating way, and for our own emotional health we needed to get as far away as possible. The last year my daughter has struggled socially in her new school. She didn't have this huge of a problem back home. It's been almost two years since moving and she really is getting better. It's a punch in the stomach when she doesn't have friends. It makes me sad.

Last year, she made best friends with this little girl. We will call her Julie. Julie would find amusement out of DDs sensitivity issues and provoke her, by name calling, taking toys from her, putting her down, and one time even shoved a bloody tissue from her nosebleed in DD's face. When my daughter reacts, which is always high reactivity, the focus is on her. Nowgranted, Julies mom had some personal issues. She said some really horrible things about my daughter to Julie. Julie tells my daughter the things that were said. I couldn't believe an adult would speak so ill of another child. It was devastating.
This year she has a new friend. Tara. Her and Tara argue a lot. DD must end play dates if there is fighting. We are at zero tolerance. However, Tara is friends with the daughter of a teacher at our school. Apparantly the teacher has told Taras mom that my child is a bully and said some other things about my child to her child. Tonight my daughter came to me sobbing hysterically saying this teacher yells at her at recess and lunch, and is nice to her when the principal is around. She also said these two children said their parents hate her.
DD get's weekly reports sent home. She has all good marks. There are no complaints from her teacher. DD hasn't said a word about fighting with other kids at school in a long time. I feel like calling a child a bully, is name calling and labeling. She struggles, and we are trying. It doesn't help. It hurts bad. I had no idea there was any RECENT problems. No parents have said anything, nor has the principal. I am just now hearing all this! It bothers me that a teacher at her school, is saying these things about my daughter to another parent, and her own child. The parent informed me of what the teacher said about my daughter. Why hasn't she come to me? Why hasn't she told the principal? I'm so lost and confused right now. I know my daughter's flaws, trust me. But I feel like something else is really really wrong here.

Answer Question
 
tisktisk80

Asked by tisktisk80 at 1:41 AM on Oct. 2, 2013 in School-Age Kids (5-8)

Level 2 (9 Credits)
Answers (13)
  • Personally, I'd be going to the school and confronting the teacher and the principal about the fact that the teacher is discussing your child with another parent, not with you. It sounds like your little girl has had a lot of upheaval in her life, and she's reacting. But school pofessionals should not be talking about her to anyone but you or her father unless there's trouble with another student, in which case you would be present and the parent or parents of the other student would also be involved.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 3:05 AM on Oct. 2, 2013

  • Based on your description of your kid,
    she sounds like a crybaby not a bully.
    what wendy said.
    find out why they think shes a bully and what is being done to address the situation other than the teacher being a twat.

    what does the counselor say about the sensitivity? is the counselor working on "what if" situations and teaching your kid coping strategies?
    feralxat

    Answer by feralxat at 8:21 AM on Oct. 2, 2013

  • Social skills like anything else must be taught. If your daughter is an only child, then you must take her to the park or other event to socialize. You need to teach her how to act and compromise. My advice to you would be simply playing with her to model appropriate behavior. Have tea parties with her. Play dolls with her. Anything you can do to help her out. As for the teacher I'd be calling a conference with the principal, teacher, and possibly even Tara's mom. It's not fair to place labels on children like that. Sometimes it is better to let kids resolve issues on their own, but I think this time you need to step in a little.
    2autisticsmom

    Answer by 2autisticsmom at 10:33 AM on Oct. 2, 2013

  • She definitely has crybaby tendencies. I don't deny it. She comes to me sobbing saying some of the girls call her crybaby, and do things to upset her then laugh. She doesn't hit, she's not hands on. When she pushed Julie, it was to get the nasty tissue away from her. Nothing more. She actually extremely compassionate. She does things like make friends with kids whom other kids tease, she asked me to donate her new toys to kids without toys, she wants to help animals. I love these things about her. She is indeed improving, but it seems like parents and teachers would rather use her to talk negative about
    rather than positive. I'm going to the principal in person today. I will update. Thanks for answering.
    tisktisk80

    Comment by tisktisk80 (original poster) at 10:37 AM on Oct. 2, 2013

  • Wendy, the problem I see with labeling a child as a bully, is it is labeling and condemning. Do you know what that does for a childs self esteem? How hurtful that is? And how childish for parents to go amongst themselves and gossip and not give that child a chance or let others decide for themselves!
    tisktisk80

    Comment by tisktisk80 (original poster) at 10:39 AM on Oct. 2, 2013

  • She's not an only child. I have 4 kids.
    tisktisk80

    Comment by tisktisk80 (original poster) at 10:40 AM on Oct. 2, 2013

  • You know what, I personally would NEVER talk about someone elses child in such a manner. This is a child, and the adults should be in control. It is catty and cowardly to discuss someones child to others without speaking to the parents first. Secondly, what others may be percieving as bullying may be a normal childhood squabble. And honestly if my kid was being "bullied" and it was true, I would be talking to the parents, not talking behind their backs. You are no better than the "bully" uou speak of when you trash talk a child who struggles.
    tisktisk80

    Comment by tisktisk80 (original poster) at 11:49 AM on Oct. 2, 2013

  • I also feel like you may be projecting an awful strong opinion on something you know very little about. I feel the other answers here were much more productive and less judgemental. The reports home from school and her online behavior reports all say great citizenship! I never said she doesn't need to work o things, but to label her as a bully is wrong. I'm so sick of this anti bullying campaign. It's going too far. Why can't we keep it to appropriate and innapropriate behavior. Kids will squabble, it doesn't make them bullies.
    tisktisk80

    Comment by tisktisk80 (original poster) at 11:53 AM on Oct. 2, 2013

  • I'm almost sorry I posted. I knew someone was gonna be like that. Oh and FYI I was in therapy for beong bullied in school, so please don't address me like I have no clue.....
    tisktisk80

    Comment by tisktisk80 (original poster) at 11:55 AM on Oct. 2, 2013

  • It saddens me that adults wouldn't consider the feelings of another child. They would rather tell other adults that a kid is a "bully" rather than say "hey, I think this kid is having a hard time". It's sad. We teach our kids not to name call but it's ok to call a child a bully.
    tisktisk80

    Comment by tisktisk80 (original poster) at 12:05 PM on Oct. 2, 2013

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