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I may have done a bad thing :0

My dau & a friend of hers, who she has been friends with since Kindergarten, haven't spoken in about 2 wks. This girl does have her moods, but they usually don't last this long. Part of it had to do with a misunderstanding, where my dau said, "Fine, I have nicer friends who will talk to me", but the other girl somehow heard it as: "Fine, I have better friends & don't need you."

So 2 days ago, my dau found a pic they drew together back in 1st grade & slipped it into her locker. Unfortunately, her friend has been having issues w/ her lock & hasn't been able to get into her locker in the past 2 days, so she didn't get it yet.

While talking to this girl's mom last night, I was so excited for them about the puppy they are getting & I that I want to go visit & play with too; that I think my own selfish desire to play with a puppy & get those sweet puppy breath kisses, led me to talk to her mom about the whole thing. I just asked her if she knew anything about it & I explained that I thought it was mainly a misunderstanding. She agreed. Girls at this age- sigh.

Anyway, my fear is that this girl could cause problems for my dau, b/c I talked to her mom. Maybe not now, but the next time she gets in a mood. Then my dau will be mad at me b/c I got involved. I did tell her about the call & she's fine for now. I just hope the whole thing doesn't come back to bite me.

What do you think?

 
mrsmom110

Asked by mrsmom110 at 5:47 AM on Oct. 5, 2013 in Tweens (9-12)

Level 48 (281,323 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (11)
  • It sounds like you and this girls mom are friends too, so I wouldn't worry too much about it
    are they in middle school yet? those were the hardest years for both my kids
    charlotsomtimes

    Answer by charlotsomtimes at 8:24 AM on Oct. 5, 2013

  • Eh I think you're fine. I don't think any damage has been done.
    2autisticsmom

    Answer by 2autisticsmom at 6:47 AM on Oct. 5, 2013

  • I'd have the same kind of thoughts or concerns that feralxat brought up. Mainly what would matter to me is the internal process, not the individual decision. I think it could go either way & be totally okay--to choose for self, or to let something go out of conscious choice. But I wouldn't want my child to feel obligated to be self-sacrificing, or afraid of upsetting/disappointing a friend. (Especially over a boy!) I want informed choices, not acceptance of internalized constraints & obligations.
    It seems like a time for reflective listening, just reflecting back what you hear her saying, and letting her explore her own processing. "It sounds like you are thinking that..." or "It sounds like you might be feeling like you can't...." and letting her discover what's informing her choices, and supporting her to reflect on that.
    Same with the other issue (with her other friend), for that matter. Trying to hear well & be a mirror.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 12:57 PM on Oct. 5, 2013

  • I didn't quite understand the fear that this girl could cause problems for your daughter in the future. The Mom-to-Mom exchange you described doesn't seem to give reason for worry. Unless by intervention you meant that, based on your conversation last night, you think the mom is LIKELY to talk to her daughter about the situation & pressure her to let it go & patch things up, having taken on that mission from your convo.

    Sure, the girl could hold resentment. And sure, your daughter could be upset if that complaint is featured in a future spat. So it could come back to bite you. But I think that probably would be OK!!


    Hey, if you think you were leaning heavily on this mom to take action & smooth things over, you can always let her know that you've been second-guessing yourself since the call & you really do think it's the girls' thing to work out, and you hope your prodding doesn't lead to interference or pressure, after all.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 1:20 PM on Oct. 5, 2013

  • Another lesson she needs to learn is that just because she has a disagreement with a friend doesn't mean that shuts you off from your friend. You are two concerned mothers that talk about what your kids are up to. That's life. You aren't trying to fix anything for her so I sort of see this as being minimally involved. Or peripherally involved might be a better term.
    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 9:27 AM on Oct. 5, 2013

  • my dau likes a boy who likes her back, ...



    IMHO, we must never tell our children, esp. girls, that the happiness of someone else is more important than their own happiness. It sets them up for a life of unfulfilling martyrdom.

    How will DD feel in the event the friend doesn't show the same self sacrificing attributes? And while only in 6th grade would you like to see the same behavior when she reaches marriageable age?

    I like a guy and he like me but because BFF likes him too (and he never talks about her other than to acknowledge her existence) I have decided to remain single.

    Wouldn't a true friend celebrate your happiness?
    I understand she is only in the 6th grade, I am merely suggesting a long term consideration of the topic.

    feralxat

    Answer by feralxat at 10:03 AM on Oct. 5, 2013

  • I hope the tiff blows over soon and everyone can play with the puppy. Me too. Puppies are fun.
    staciandababy

    Answer by staciandababy at 4:51 PM on Oct. 5, 2013

  • Mrsmom, she might be mad at you briefly if the whole thing is reconciled and then blows up again. But in the end, when she's grown up, she'll appreciate the fact that you cared so much. Whenever I had a spat with a friend in school, or when I struggled socially and didn't have friends, my mom would automatically ask what I did to put the other kid off or make her mad. Or she'd say, "I wish you had friends. I always wanted my daughter to have a houseful of friends." (My sister made that wish come true for her.) So anyway, just know you're a good mom, and middle school will pass in time! What a nightmare those in-between years can be for both boys and girls.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 1:10 PM on Oct. 5, 2013

  • Your over thinking this. Let your DD deal with her friend. Stay out of it. People grow, sometime away from other people .
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 7:50 AM on Oct. 5, 2013

  • are they in middle school yet? those were the hardest years for both my kids
    charlotsomtimes Answer by charlotsomtimes 30 minutes ago

    ^^^Yep- 6th grade. Gotta love it. In fact, my dau is getting another lesson about life this year. They are having a Halloween dance & my dau likes a boy who likes her back, but one of my dau's friends (not the same one), likes this boy too. My dau said she won't ruin her friendship & will tell the boy they can meet at the dance, rather than upset her friend by going with him. Smart girl :)
    mrsmom110

    Comment by mrsmom110 (original poster) at 8:58 AM on Oct. 5, 2013

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