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How can I get to know what my college- dropped- out daughter wants for her future?

Since my daughter was 16 I was trying to help her to decide what to study in the future (in Japan since high school teachers begin to ask) and she wanted to be a singer. Anyway, she has a nice voice, so I`d searched but she said no by Skype. Then I told her why don`t you study something else and at the same time take your singing lessons and no. Graduated from school she took a 1 year job in order to save money for her college -we decided for decoration-. This year she got her scholarship, went for less than a trimester and dropped out. What are u gonna do I said. What about singing? she said OK and again I made the arrangement. I saw her everyday fooling around, drinking ( 20 now),etc. I have wait about 5 years for her to decide. Now she says that she doesn`t want to study. I can`t believe this new idea either. Hate-books dad supports her. She must leave, find life is not easy with a monthly 150,000 yen payment.Suffering

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Asked by Natsumi444 at 5:58 AM on Oct. 5, 2013 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 3 (21 Credits)
Answers (21)
  • Some kids take a while to find their path. And it is not uncommon for them to go a little crazy after they graduate from HS. Fear & newfound freedoms while facing a whole new world out there can get overwhelming for them. Sometimes a little time off isn't always a bad thing. But will the scholarship be waiting for her when she decides to go back? That's important to consider. What were her reasons for quitting? If the classes were too hard, get help or tutoring. If it's uncertainty about her major, you don't usually have to declare a major right away. She can get the prerequisite classes out of the way first. Maybe if she just went part-time & interned at a place of interest to her, to find out if she likes that particular field. Have her talk to a guidance counselor about her options. GL

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 6:09 AM on Oct. 5, 2013

  • Thank you mrsmom. I`m surprised that there are other ways that I didn`t think about. I thought that asking for a counselor to talk with her was like invading her privacy but is not, is reasonable. About the scholarship they will wait for 6 month from now to be monthly paid. She said that she thought she liked the carrier but after that she realized that is was socializing and the kind teachers what motivated her to go. Then she noticed that the lessons were boring she wanted rapidly to be in the field, decorating houses, stores,etc. Since she had never abandoned the idea of singing I insisted for her to take the singing lessons but she refused. I don`t understand what you said about the major. She went to a school not university. Interned at a place means to observe in situ a carrier she might like?

    Comment by Natsumi444 (original poster) at 6:47 AM on Oct. 5, 2013

  • Can't she take voice classes, music theory classes, etc?

    Answer by silverthreads at 7:27 AM on Oct. 5, 2013

  • She is 20. Has not made a decision yet. Time to let her go. She is a grown up now. I can understand her not making her mind up between 16 and 18. But she is 20. She should have been on college for 2 years now. Time to let her fly on her own. Get a job and move out.

    Answer by louise2 at 7:35 AM on Oct. 5, 2013

  • Thank you silverthreads (nice username). I have looked for the best of the best and she knows it. It`s expensive and I told her I will pay it but she insists that is 'mendokusai' (means troublesome) studying. I confronted her why did she said that she will like to be a singer and she said that yes, she`s composing songs and likes to sing but... I think she meant that just like a hobby not for living. mrsmom suggested me to ask a guidance counselor and I have just sent a message to her favorite singer (hope she reads my message) for her to explain my daughter how exciting can be that world. I`m waiting for Mondayand I will call her teacher from college for guidance. I didn`t know how much it hurts to see your talented daughter dropped out and choose to just work and have fun. I hate my husband (Now I say it and then I always forgive him) `cause since my 3 children were little he never ever help me with the kids to love books.

    Comment by Natsumi444 (original poster) at 7:43 AM on Oct. 5, 2013

  • At the end of the day you can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do. You can talk till you lose your voice to whomever you want but she's not going to go if she doesn't want to. This is what will happen you will force her to go, she will fail and you'll be out money. Cut the umbilical cord & let her figure out her life.

    Answer by funlovinlady at 7:48 AM on Oct. 5, 2013

  • Thank you Louise2. Wow! Everybody here has excellent ideas and opinions to be considered. Yeah, you are right but I don`t know if is good comparing: when I was her age I was so emotionally immature, not about what to study but in many other aspects. So maybe, she may have 20 (that for me it was like 15) but she still doesn`t know what and how to find her path related to profession? I have prepared my heart for the day my kids will have to go and sometimes I`m afraid is a facade, and on the other hand, I don`t follow my heart, I push my self to the correct comment and decision even if it hurts. Yes, I know she has to leave but I want to leave the door open for her if she changes her mind and decides again to study (how to believe in her..mm).

    Comment by Natsumi444 (original poster) at 7:54 AM on Oct. 5, 2013

  • Hi Funlovingday (just reading your username makes me smile). Okey-dokey, you have described my current situation with her everytime I approached her blah blah about the topic (she even once put her hands over her ears). And I know the situation is clearer for outsiders (is this the correct word?) because I`m so sucked and drowning here. With my oldest son I had so many problems, wasted money, tears, and today he has already graduated as a mechanic and next year he will graduated as a motorcycle mechanic. He already has a contract in one of the famous Japanese car industry. He said to me that is thanks to my persistence. My husband is good in many ways but hates studying and never hided, his life style is sleeping too much , watches all day all the olympics, seasons matches & drinks beer, everytime I asked him to take the kids to museum, library he would said in front of them that those places made him sick, what a model.

    Comment by Natsumi444 (original poster) at 8:15 AM on Oct. 5, 2013

  • sorry!!! funlovinlady is not funlovinday

    Comment by Natsumi444 (original poster) at 8:16 AM on Oct. 5, 2013

  • I`m mentioning my husbands attitude and life style because my kids make the same comments about studying and they like to sleep, watch tv as his father. I have two professions, I`m always reading because I love it and I can`t share what I know with none of the members of my family
    because they are not interested they even say to me that I`m going to get Alzhemeir for reading too much. Is the presence of this 2 so different parents a problem? Everytime I have problems with my kids because they don`t study I think 'is his fault!". And I get more angry because he often argues with the kids because they don`t study! And he knows how to poke me, 20 years begging him to speak at least in our native language to our kids. I have explained him how important it is for their future but no, he speaks to them in his broken Japanese and the kids are delighted, easy.

    Comment by Natsumi444 (original poster) at 8:30 AM on Oct. 5, 2013

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