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My adult sons cut me out because of something my one sister told them. No one will tell me what I did wrong, except they could not trust me emotionally . My sister has always caused trouble.

My sister has cut me out of her life at least four times for at least five years at a time. I do not have a voice. They will not communicate with me and my sister thats involved cut me out and when my brother was hospitalized her and sisterinlaw cut the rest of us three sisters out. We could not even see him in the hospital, or ask about him. He passed away on his birthday and I had to find out by calling the hospital. How could anyone hate someone so much to not only cut them out but try to control my life and keeping me from my dying brother? He died alone. I have so much grief and no one to lean on but my therapist. She suggested writing a letter to them telling them I am taking a sabatical from the dysfunctional merrygoround. Let them know you love them and will welcome them with open arms should they have a change of heart and let me have a voice. Get my power back. What should I do?

Answer Question
 
jicky77

Asked by jicky77 at 1:15 PM on Oct. 5, 2013 in General Parenting

Level 2 (7 Credits)
Answers (7)
  • So EVERYONE hates, you, but you did nothing wrong?
    Ok.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 1:17 PM on Oct. 5, 2013

  • I'm sorry. Wounds delivered by family can cut deep. I don't really understand the whole situation, but a break from the craziness might not be a bad idea. Nobody should have to stand around and be someone else's punching bag.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 1:27 PM on Oct. 5, 2013

  • Do what your therapist suggested. It's what you are paying her for.
    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 1:36 PM on Oct. 5, 2013

  • Two things: What do your other sisters say about the one sister who cuts you out? Does she cut them out too? What is the falling out that happened between you that made her cut you out? You must have some responsibility in the ruin of this relationship.

    Not trying to be rude, just want to understand. I agree with your therapist about the letter but overall, you can be so much better than that. Why does your sister have this control over you and not giving you a voice? She doesn't have that right unless you LET her. You tell her that while she's a control freak, you are over it and you don't need her in your life until she's ready to act like a decent human being.
    jeanclaudia

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 2:08 PM on Oct. 5, 2013

  • Do what your therapist said.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 4:18 PM on Oct. 5, 2013

  • My suggestion: Focus on what you can control, which is your response to your sons' current decision not to have contact with you.

    Accept their decision, even though it must be so upsetting, and respect their wishes. Keep in mind that in responding this way, you can BE the reliably respectful person who recognizes their autonomy (rather than the person who continues to struggle to be heard, and in so doing disregards their expressed feelings & wishes!) Show that you prioritize THEIR thoughts, feelings & wishes more than you try to force your agenda & perspective.
    Maybe that will be money in the bank toward a future that's different. Maybe not. But it's an action that has integrity.

    Continue to lean on your therapist. Let HER hear all the things you wish you could tell your sons. This will increase the likelihood that you can manage being a mother (prioritizing their needs & focusing on them) in a difficult situation.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 6:06 PM on Oct. 5, 2013

  • Do EXACTLY what your therapist said.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 10:08 PM on Oct. 5, 2013

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