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How do you deal with a Mother-In-Law that treats your children different

I have a MIL that drives me nuts , I try my best to get along with her but its difficult. To be honest this is my 2 marriage , my first MIL I loved dearly, we were best friends, did so much together, we had different opinions on things (sometimes) but it never made us ugly with each other. When she passed my heart was broken, will always be, she was murdered by a foster child. Anyways Back to the topic at hand. My husband has one child from a previous relationship and we have a daughter together. She will call and brag about what she's doing for his other daughter, she doesn't even send by daughter a card. She also acts like we are obligated to constantly buy for his other daughter. I don't do this for my children and I am fed up doing it for just one. I feel like she should come to our home and not expect gifts and big outings every time. I spoke up the other day and told dear MIL , that Im not going to take everyone to the corn ride this week because for our family it was $110 that didn't include getting a pumpkin or food for the kids. I said I will go let them pick out a pumpkin and we will come home carve them and bake cookies. Her exact words to me.. well she needs better than that, you need to do the corn ride. I am about to explode. I realize that this is his mother, she has flaws beyond flaws. I accept that she is who she is but how do I keep from telling her to get the flip out my life...I wish his ex would handle the parental stuff but she stats that her husband doesn't want her talking to her ex. MIL even told his daughter you don't have to see them if they cant take and do with you what you deserve. A child deserves love not everything they desire. She has refused to come over to our home because of not getting her way,, I just want to throw my hands up and say I'm so Done with this nutso mess. It makes me so upset that they are raising her with the expectation of getting everything I want means Im loved. she has never done one thing for my daughter but she will call and constantly brag, we got, her a laptop,3 Ds. Im so tired of hearing it. I don't care what you do for your grand daughter stop calling and boasting. Its not simply talking about it cause she states your daughter has nothing like this.I think family means unit, not opposition. Any Advice please

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:10 AM on Oct. 6, 2013 in General Parenting

This question is closed.
Answers (13)
  • Her exact words to me.. well she needs better than that, you need to do the corn ride.

    I think it might be helpful if you were able to acknowledge that she has her opinion. So in a moment like that one quoted above, you'd acknowledge that that's what she thinks (or acknowledge that you two disagree.)
    A lot of what you describe is a struggle about being right...you disagreeing with her opinions & actions, and her disagreeing with your decisions & opinions.
    I think it's possible to coexist without needing the other person to stop or change. Shifting to a place where you can accept that she disagrees with you, AND accept that she will continue doing/buying what she wants to (even though you deeply disagree with her decisions), should bring a lot more comfort for you. I think thinking that others shouldn't think/say/do much of what they do is the source of a lot of distress for people. But people aren't always the same.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 3:04 PM on Oct. 6, 2013

  • Why is MIL the only access to his daughter?

    I wish his ex would handle the parental stuff but she stats that her husband doesn't want her talking to her ex.
    Why is Mom allowing someone to dictate how she deals with the father of her child?

    They have issues that deal with childhood, I didn't want to prejudge her, so I let her into our life
    Why did you pick your MIL over your husband?


    The issue of how the child is raised and what values are instilled is up to the parents.
    They need to get their act together and stop being pussies.

    feralxat

    Answer by feralxat at 12:05 PM on Oct. 6, 2013

  • "The MIL is the only access to his daughter because His EX's Husband doesn't allow it. From what I've heard he doesn't want her talking to a man she has had a sexual relationship with."

    Has he gone to court over the custody? He NEEDS to do this. NEEDS. Otherwise you need to think VERY HARD about continuing a relationship with a man who cannot be bothered to fight for some contact with his daughter. Me, I'd wash my hands of the lot and settle everything in court.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 7:41 PM on Oct. 6, 2013

  • I think I'd risk having one confrontation with her that could turn ugly. I usually say let the bio son or daughter handle their parent but since mil has already gotten confrontational by saying her dhs deserved better than what you were planning, I would very plainly tell her that your step daughter is loved and wanted by you and her dad, but the best way to show that is to simply treat her as one of the family. Trading her as a guest is not fair bc it gives the impression she is not truly family. Then stop taking her calls. If she calls and is civil, fine. If not just tell her good bye and hang up
    Nimue930

    Answer by Nimue930 at 11:19 AM on Oct. 6, 2013

  • What the hell did I just read. You make very little sense in this post.

    I think you're pissed because your new MIL is treating your new husband's child from a previous relationship differently than the child the two of you have together?

    If that's the case, then you and your husband need to sit down and talk about how to handle this situation, then HE needs to talk to his mother and tell her to knock off that behavior or there will be consequences.
    Rosehawk

    Answer by Rosehawk at 2:55 PM on Oct. 6, 2013

  • If you're going to coexist, you have to accept that the situation won't change. If you can't accept that, then break it off. My mother treats my daughter very differently than she treats her other grandchildren because of the fact that my daughter was conceived out of wedlock, among other reasons. That's unacceptable to me because I won't have my daughter growing up being treated second-class in her own family, so we have little to no contact with my parents. They know how to change that, and if they decide not to, then it's their loss.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 8:24 PM on Oct. 6, 2013

  • I agree with gdiamante that he needs to go through the courts for custody/visitation. Who cares what his ex's husband says? The courts surely won't. Then you can set guidelines with the mil and if she doesn't abide by them, she's gone.
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 8:42 PM on Oct. 6, 2013

  • What does your husband say??
    rachel216

    Answer by rachel216 at 11:22 AM on Oct. 6, 2013

  • My husband really wants to stop taking calls and having anything to do with her, but Its our only access to his daughter. I love her and want her in our life. She deserves to be, shes his by blood and mine by heart. If it was up to him he would never call or speak to her. They have issues that deal with childhood, I didn't want to prejudge her, so I let her into our life and because I had an amazing MIL the first time, I didn't realize how difficult they can be. So if it was his call he would let it all go. I tell him constantly that his daughter needs someone in her life that will give her what she needs, even though she wants objects. (LOVE).
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:46 AM on Oct. 6, 2013

  • This is what I would do or we would do. We would infor MIL. No more talking about granddaughter . If we can not have contact from the Ex. Their won't be going threw you any more. And what we do on her visit to our house is none of your business. That would be the end of it. Sound like the kid doesn't. Come over anyways.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 12:00 PM on Oct. 6, 2013