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How to deal with a 16 year old Step-Son?

I guess I am not officially a step-mom but my significant other and I have been together for 6 years. His son moved in with us fulltime at the end of Nov. Since then he has been suspended from school x2 and had after school detention x1 all for behavior. He has also been grounded more than not. He has a problem following the simple rules we put in place for him, ie. Come home directly from school. Call us after school if we are not at home. Ask to go to a friends or girlfriends house. If you go somewhere else call us before you go and let us know where you are going to be. And the last simple rule is that no kids in the house when we are not home. His BM yells all the time and is really not a very nice person. So I have been trying to sit down and talk to him like a person instead of losing my temper like the BM. It ISN'T working. I am so stressed out!! PLEASE HELP!

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namelast4

Asked by namelast4 at 12:09 PM on Feb. 19, 2009 in Teens (13-17)

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Answers (6)
  • I'm having a similar problem with my 16 year old SS! You tell him not to do something, and he does it anyway. You tell him how you want him to do something, he does it the opposite. I feel your pain. I had to finally just back off, and let his father deal with him. His mother is a waste of air, so she is no help either. I wish I had words of wisdom for you, but I could use some my self! Just know that you are not alone!
    Freightgal

    Answer by Freightgal at 12:24 PM on Feb. 19, 2009

  • Let the biological father handle all the rules. You just help enforce them. If the biological father cannot set good rules and have enough knowledge to know what else to do as a back up plan. Go to a good familtycounselor for more ideas and support, to get the boy in line and following along with the family expectations.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:31 PM on Feb. 19, 2009

  • have you explained to him why the rules are what they are? EX: "we want to know where you are, not because we're nosey, but if you get in an accident, we would know where to tell the police where you were headed" or "if you went missing because something bad happened, we would be able to know where you last were" Ask him what rules he thinks are unfair and ask him to explain the logic of why he thinks that, and then explain to him why you need him to do the certain things you ask him. Don't punish so quickly when it comes to diciplining at home after poor reports in school. Ask him what ignited it, and why he chose to handle it the way he did. Maybe you could uncover something that's deeper than just his typical hormones and rage of a 16 year old boy
    not-so-des-hw

    Answer by not-so-des-hw at 9:11 PM on Feb. 19, 2009

  • Did he have similar rules at moms house or is having to check in new for him? If he was used to doing what ever when ever he could honestly forget sometimes or be purposely disobeying the rules because he thinks you are babying him. I agree with the pp tell him why the rules are there, that they are not just set to make him miserable but for safety.
    goaliemom93

    Answer by goaliemom93 at 9:19 PM on Feb. 19, 2009

  • I know that this is hard to hear, but it really is best at this stage to let his father handle the discipline. Think of it as your get out of jail free card. You are off the hook. this is for your benefit more than it is his.

    Your husband and you should agree on the rules and the consequences, but he should be the one to enforce them, at least for now. He really hasn 't lived with you for very long.

    It is important for your stepson to have boundaries and to know that you and your husband care about him. He may not get it now, but he will eventually.

    hang in there. Don't give up on him, or your husband. The two of you will make it through this, and so will your step son.

    angie blackwell, the parenting coach
    familycoach4U

    Answer by familycoach4U at 3:25 AM on Feb. 20, 2009

  • Thank you so much for all the advice. We have sat him down when he moved in and went over all the rules. He stated that he understood them and would follow them. Everything he breaks the rules we ask him to repeat the rules. His dad does do the enforcing of the punishment but we do all sit down and discuss it as a family. It is just the 3. He isn't used to being checked up on as his mother didn't really care or spend any real one-on-one time with him. So I know that it is a different situation. We have asked him if he understands why we have the rules we do, and he says that he understands. Last night I made sure he understood that I love him unconditionally so that nothing he does is going to change that. I also told him that his actions just dont effect him but the whole family. He heard his dad and I fighting the night before and he said he was sorry for causing so much stress. I truly do love him!!
    namelast4

    Answer by namelast4 at 10:02 AM on Feb. 20, 2009

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