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2 Bumps

potential major step child issues- at wit's end!!!

i don't know what to do-i'm dating my bf a yr and moving in with the plan to get married. we love each other & his 7 yr old daughter loves me- she lives mainly with him &has for her whole life.the problem is they are COMPLETELY enmeshed with each other-she wants to come in the room each morning-from the moment they come home at night she doesn't leave his side until bed and i know he likes this.she comes back from her mom sat night & other than sleep there's no break till monday morning.my bf has made a lot of changes -the WHOLE house looked like a playhouse when we started dating and he changed that with my pushing but he doesn't realize we need adult alone time & not just when she's at her mothers.she literally will not be by herself in the house for a minute .i'm panicked i can't live like this.and he never punishes her at all -.he interrupts non stop & he never punishes-just tells her to stop she does for 1 minute. HELP!!!

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florida45

Asked by florida45 at 12:55 PM on Oct. 8, 2013 in School-Age Kids (5-8)

Level 2 (4 Credits)
Answers (16)
  • Do you have children?
    I am married and when my kids are home (all the time) they are with me 24/7, sounds like she sleeps in her own room, and it sounds like you get a break when she visits her mother, so I think being a good father isn't a crime.
    As she gets older she will make friends, have play dates be involved in activities, I don't get the drama over this? Sounds to me like a good guy. HE is her father, she is not your daughter, he should be the one who decides when to punish her and what for, if you don't like it don't get married.
    2kids2dogs2cats

    Answer by 2kids2dogs2cats at 1:02 PM on Oct. 8, 2013

  • Um, she's 7. When you have kids, "alone" time becomes pretty much nonexistent. You are fortunate she goes to her moms to give you a break, but from the sound of things nothing needs to be changed.
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 1:02 PM on Oct. 8, 2013

  • You can't undo 7 years of parenting habits when the parent involved doesn't want to. All you can do is explain, calmly, why it's an issue for you and decide if you want to deal with it until she becomes an anti-social teenager or not.
    NotPanicking

    Answer by NotPanicking at 1:02 PM on Oct. 8, 2013

  • I appreciate the responses- i'm new to this -i don't have children and was an only child myself. he doesn't discipline her at all no matter what she does. she mouths off to him,her grandparents-whomever and he ignores it or laughs and thinks it's cute- no telling her to stop unless i say something. prior to my coming into the picture she had never ONCE been punished her whole life. she wants to be the center of attention at all times- you can't get one sentence out without her interuppting -she sits outside our door at 6 am and claps her hands and does cheers to get his attention. i understand she's a child but there's more to it than a regular child -she 100% runs the house and knows it. the second the moment isn't about her she's upset. he has told me she annoys him but he doesn't say anything.
    florida45

    Comment by florida45 (original poster) at 1:07 PM on Oct. 8, 2013

  • How does she do in school, the bottom line is that this is the way their relationship is, right or wrong, it is something you will either have to accept, or not get married to him because of.
    You can't change HIM, you can only accept him, now if he would consider seeking some parenting classes or counseling with her (with out you) and then you and him together that might be an idea to have.
    If she is having this behavior at school, I am sure the teacher has commented on it, and migh be a door for him to get some advice from a professional.
    Do not marry him if you can't accept the way they are together.
    2kids2dogs2cats

    Answer by 2kids2dogs2cats at 1:18 PM on Oct. 8, 2013

  • I can see where this would be hard for you to deal with, especially since you don't have children and you were an only child. It does sound as if the balance of power in the relationship between your boyfriend and his daughter is off. But when you marry someone, you marry that person the way he is, in the situation he is in. You don't marry the person you want him to be when the situation changes, if it does. You have to look at the way things are and ask yourself if you can live with them, unchanged, indefinitely. If not, then consider putting off the wedding or not going through with it.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 1:23 PM on Oct. 8, 2013

  • academically she's fine at school although her teachers have said she's bossy. ". we've been to a therapist - the first time we went he told my bf that she shouldn't be coming in the bedroom and that he should have her do projects in her room for 15-20 minutes at a time so she can break free from him a bit and it wasn't healthy for her to be so overly attached to him. he said my BF should not be with his daughter nonstop all weekend and it's not doing her any favors long term and when she's rude to others (she can be an out of control brat) he has to address that.he took the advice for a bit then slide back..we went to the same therapist again and it was 180 difference-he just took his side and basically said "he doesn't see when she does bad things and never will and that's it.
    florida45

    Comment by florida45 (original poster) at 1:24 PM on Oct. 8, 2013

  • thanks ballad for the advice -it's a tough call. i'm very very close to my dad and have been my whole life and even he's seen the daughter in action and said he couldn't put up with this nonstop (my dad's very easy going) and not tell her to stop.and i'm not saying i was the easiest kid to raise either :) but this is another planet. i would never have stood outside my parents door while they were sleeping and clapped myhands to wake them up. there's normal child antics and then this. i'm supposed to be moving in next month and already sold my house-i'm very trapped
    florida45

    Comment by florida45 (original poster) at 1:27 PM on Oct. 8, 2013

  • You are not trapped, you can buy another home, or just move in and see how it goes, IDK but I think the therapy would be best to continue with even alone.
    Just don't go through with the marriage if it isn't working the way you need it to, there could be a little only child, only woman kind of rivalry going on, kwim? You sound like a smart lady, so just be clear about what you need, and see if it can work, but to go in with starting these 'new" behaviors is not the way to go about it, kwim?
    2kids2dogs2cats

    Answer by 2kids2dogs2cats at 1:31 PM on Oct. 8, 2013

  • You're not at all trapped. Move, but not in with him. Indeed, sounds to me like this is a dead relationship and that if you walked out of his life he wouldn't really notice it.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 1:33 PM on Oct. 8, 2013

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