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BF not supportive of anything

My BF and I have been together for 5 years. Lately, I've become less tolerant of him. He's not supportive of anything I do or attempt to do. I started college and changed my major when I decided I wanted to follow in my families footsteps and own my own business. He down talked the idea, saying I didn't have enough experience to start a business. Then, I needed to purchase a new car, I knew I would have the money within a months time (taxes), and had started looking online at vehicles and accessories for vehicles, he would say things like 'get the car first'. My father passed away and not one time did he say if you want to talk or anything like that I'm here for you, he told me I should have asked him. I want to get a new job because I work nights and don't really see my son and he says things like, 'can you keep one job' because I try to work around my sons schedule while he's never around (he works about 15 hours a day 6 days a week). Ultimately whatever I want to do he always bashes it. He says he's just being realistic, But I'm not saying I'm going to learn how to fly. Just average everyday goals that I give myself ample time to achieve not overnight. Part of me thinks he's jealous and wants to make me feel bad, and the other part of me isn't sure. Does anyone else have this issue.

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Asked by Anonymous at 3:12 PM on Oct. 8, 2013 in Relationships

Answers (5)
  • No, but why would you want to keep someone in your life who wasn't willing to support you 100% in whatever you wanted to do? Life is to short to spend it with someone who only wants to drag you down and hold you back. I think it's time to send him packing!

    Answer by NannyB. at 3:26 PM on Oct. 8, 2013

  • He sounds more skeptical & cautionary than jealous. ? Maybe his comments around owning your own business could express jealousy, but the advice to get the car first (before choosing/buying car accessories?) and the comment in response to you wanting to get a different job seem like feedback & opinion.

    It sounds like you're unhappy with your boyfriend. In response you could identify what is disappointing you & try to work toward some resolution, or you could decide this means you don't want to continue the relationship.

    It sounds like when you've tried to talk to him (he says he's just being realistic; he said he was open to talking about your loss but assumed you'd bring it up) he experienced your comments as criticism, which prompted him to defend himself. That is a predictable place to get stuck. It's VERY possible to address conflicts without triggering defensiveness, but many couples can't manage this without support.

    Answer by girlwithC at 4:32 PM on Oct. 8, 2013

  • For starters, you could try identifying (for yourself) what you really want from him and letting him know. If you are upset or feeling vulnerable about some issue he knows about, instead of "expecting" him to say words that would make you feel cared for, you could let him know something like "I have been hurting and it would mean a lot to me to know that you care, and are 'there' for me. I would really like to hear from you, that you care & are willing to listen." It's a vulnerable thing to do (harder than being upset that someone didn't do the decent thing) but it is an emotionally responsible thing to do (because you're taking responsibility for your own feelings, and sharing them vulnerably rather than in a fault-finding way.) It is different than speaking in "you messages" focused on "you should have" or "if you cared you would have," etc.
    If you know you just want to express your dissatisfaction & desire for a change of

    Answer by girlwithC at 4:36 PM on Oct. 8, 2013

  • job, then give him a head's up that you just want to talk about your feelings & frustrations around your work or schedule, and your wish to make changes to improve all of it, and you would love for him to listen rather than feeling the need to give advice etc.
    His own thoughts & feelings in response could come up for YOU to listen to at some point, but that doesn't have to happen right then.
    If you identify for yourself what specifically is bothering you, you can start to identify what you're wishing for instead, and then you can take responsibility for your feelings by stating your wishes & making requests of him.
    Then you see what happens.
    I think a partner would like to feel heard (i.e., doesn't want to be dictated to, expected to be silent, etc.) but also can learn that what YOU are looking for sometimes is not a critique or advice or "devil's advocate" but a chance to unload feelings & explore wishes, dreams & plans.

    Answer by girlwithC at 4:50 PM on Oct. 8, 2013

  • If he's not lifting you up, he's putting you down.

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 9:35 PM on Oct. 8, 2013

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