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2 Bumps

I have told our daughter how much we regret the mistakes in her childhood,we are both seeing atherapist and reading to help us.have asked her whar more we can do. She is thousands in debt from her mfa

she is 37,has mfa from university of penn.artist,owns dogs walking company.has no friends

She is a very smart and a hard worker,but her art career really went nowhere and now she feels stuck with dog business.She has low self esteem,which we caused! She just cant seem to forgive us and wants little to do with people.They disappoint.In her eyes she is a failure,as all her dreams were not reached.In part out fault.

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cryingmom665

Asked by cryingmom665 at 3:19 PM on Oct. 11, 2013 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 2 (8 Credits)
Answers (14)
  • You don't cry. At this age, SHE is responsible for her own successes and failures.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 3:26 PM on Oct. 11, 2013

  • At some point in your life you have to assume the responsibility for you own life. So does your daughter.

    What is it she thinks you did to ruin her life? Is it true?
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 3:30 PM on Oct. 11, 2013

  • Unless there was something you DIDN'T provide for her as a child (a safe environment, loving home, counseling after some kind of abuse or trauma) then you did nothing wrong. She is responsible going forward to change her story, and change her life!
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 3:30 PM on Oct. 11, 2013

  • Well IDK, did you allow someone to hurt her, look the otther way when it happened, were you uncaring, unloving? Were you a druggie. It is hard to tell from your post if she is "blaming" you for her problems, or you think she has a problem. If she likes to be alone, and she has her own business, are you the one suggesting she has an issue?
    Perhaps when you speak to her you should ask her what you can do to repair any damage you did to her when she was young? Have you owned any responsiblity in what she is saying you did?
    2kids2dogs2cats

    Answer by 2kids2dogs2cats at 3:35 PM on Oct. 11, 2013

  • I've told my grown children that there is no such thing as a perfect parent, and that their dad and I certainly made some mistakes along the way. And I've asked them to forgive me for those mistakes. That's about all any of us can do. We don't get the opportunity to have a do-over. Thankfully, our children have forgiven us, and we have good relationships with all of them.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 3:51 PM on Oct. 11, 2013

  • Well, if I'm presented with this situation one day, I hope I'll be able to listen to my daughter and care about her perspective & perceptions. I'd hope to be open to her because I love her & want to be in relationship to/with her (the actual her, not my version.)
    I imagine it would be painful to me to hear something like that & to know that my child sees our shared history critically. I probably would feel defensive. But I understand how issues & difficulties DO have their roots in childhood experiences, and that what counts is the child's actual subjective experience, not a parent's intentions. It's also true that it's not about blame or guilt; I can validate someone's experience & feelings (recognize the unintended impact of certain experiences & hurts) while having my own perspective, too.
    I wouldn't want to compound things by rejecting her truth now, or being unable/unwilling to hear from her & take her seriously.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 4:00 PM on Oct. 11, 2013

  • I have 2 DD's that blame me for everything. So when you find out how to deal with them and their issues. Call me.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 4:14 PM on Oct. 11, 2013

  • Nothing. Will accepting responsibility for any of her short comings allow her to forgive and to move forward? Sometimes things don't work out like we want them to. That doesn't mean that anyone is at fault. It just means that sh*t happens. You have to let go of things that hold you back. If that means forgiving just for the sake of letting go, then sometimes that's what needs to happen. At 37, she needs to let go of her grudge, forgive and move forward with life.
    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 5:17 PM on Oct. 11, 2013

  • Hello??
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 5:19 PM on Oct. 11, 2013

  • Tell her to get over herself. She was, and still is, responsible for her own choices after the age of 18. Life isn't all unicorns and rainbows.
    2autisticsmom

    Answer by 2autisticsmom at 7:51 PM on Oct. 11, 2013

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