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How to convince SO to do more around the house??

He is a big handy man. He'll fix anything and everything when I ask him to. But if I ask him to take the garbage out or do the dishes it never gets done. He always says he'll do it, but it just doesn't happen. How can I motivate him to do these kinds of things??

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 12:40 AM on Oct. 15, 2013 in Relationships

Answers (15)
  • Go on strike. Eventually it will get done.

    Answer by KTElite at 12:48 AM on Oct. 15, 2013

  • Following.

    Answer by MoonFox4 at 1:01 AM on Oct. 15, 2013

  • Leave some stuff undone. He won't do it if he thinks you have it all taken care of. Why would he?

    Answer by Ballad at 1:09 AM on Oct. 15, 2013

  • You can't truly motivate him. I think trying to take control of this will be undermining to your relationship. But that doesn't mean there's nothing you can do. Just that you need to focus on what you can do, and who you can control: yourself. Rather than taking responsibility for him, and trying to "motivate" him, be responsible for yourself & your emotions. Focus on communicating personally ("I messages" not "you messages.")

    "He always says he'll do it but it just doesn't happen."

    That is what I would point out to him. Not in a nagging way. You are not trying to "get him to" do something, as in make it happen. It's an appeal. You are telling him what you wish he would do, and letting him know what you want. When he doesn't do it, instead of getting frustrated or irritated, you are pointing out what happened & again sharing what you would like him to do.

    The "I messages" are the truly challenging part.

    Answer by girlwithC at 6:01 AM on Oct. 15, 2013

  • "I messages" are challenging because in times of conflict, people routinely resort to "you messages." They try to build a case in which their request is only reasonable, in which it's not asking too much, and so that the other person will easily "see" the point & agree with them. In this way, it is defensive. Instead of asking freely (vulnerable), we try to "get" them to do something because they "see" they "should."
    That's the way in which it's controlling, and why it tends to backfire.
    "You messages" that focus on pointing out the problem are not personal communication. But it's not always easy to see the distinction.

    Focusing on communication, and on taking responsibility for our own feelings, goes a long way to addressing frustration in relationships, and making interactions more healthy.

    You probably want willing cooperation, if you think about it. So make sure you aren't communicating in ways that undermine your goal.

    Answer by girlwithC at 6:12 AM on Oct. 15, 2013

  • When all else fails:


    Answer by mrsmom110 at 6:42 AM on Oct. 15, 2013

  • do you both work outside the home?

    if not, then why can't you do it?

    Answer by charlotsomtimes at 7:30 AM on Oct. 15, 2013

  • Been married 24 years. Never figured out a way to get my DH to willingly and with out asking to do house work. I just end up telling him, if you will not help with house work. Do not complain it is not done. He never does.

    Answer by louise2 at 8:19 AM on Oct. 15, 2013

  • You can't.

    Answer by 2autisticsmom at 8:46 AM on Oct. 15, 2013

  • "do you both work outside the home?

    if not, then why can't you do it?"

    Why shouldn't he do it when asked? I don't care who's brining in the paycheck, the labor still needs to be divided.

    My grandfather used to get really angry at my grandmother for doing everything. He did not like it one bit. My dad worked seven says a week when I was young and still took out the trash and did things around the house. He expected to do that and so he did.

    Answer by gdiamante at 9:23 AM on Oct. 15, 2013

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