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3 Bumps

I recently found out my husband may be the father of another woman's baby. How do I handle this?

In July I became a little curious and on a whim I did something I never do and I snooped through my husbands phone. What I found completely shocked me. A girl he had an affair with a couple of years ago and became pregnant informed my husband that she needed him to take a paternity test for her baby because the man she thought was the father tested negative. My husband planned on keeping this hid from me not because he feared It would hurt me, but because I would be angry. Im more angry that he kept a secret from me of this magnitude when I absolutely no skeletons hanging in our closet... He assured me that he was certain the baby wasn't his, in September he received the routine paperwork from the child support office saying he had to test and la-dee-dah.... Last week he forgot to log out of FB and since I have completely lost my trust in him I browsed through his messages and found several between him and his potential baby mama about how he is willing to do anything for her that she needs for the baby, how it feels so weird having 3 kids with me and 1 with her, and a long list of other crap. I confronted him about it and he tried to deny it all. Over the past few months she has called and texted me harassing me and using this as a weapon to get a rise out of me and he stays neutral to the whole situation. I recently found out we are pregnant with our 4th child and I'm lost. I told myself in the beginning I would stay with him if the test came back positive and we would continue to support each other but the more I think about it and the more our relationship continues to roll down hill I am completely unsure about everything and for once in our 9 years of marriage I regret it. Has anyone else been in this situation? I'm so lost and alone right now.

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Asked by Anonymous at 4:12 AM on Oct. 16, 2013 in Relationships

Answers (25)
  • Marriage Counseling.... If he won't go then you go yourself.

    Answer by Crafty26 at 6:03 AM on Oct. 16, 2013

  • No, I haven't been in that sort of situation. It makes sense to me that you feel lost & alone right now. The situation sounds very upsetting!
    It sounds like you are struggling because you initially decided to stay with him even if the test confirmed his paternity, but you're having trouble with that decision in the face of things. That (your difficulty with the decision to stay) makes sense to me too.
    I think deciding to stay together is a valid decision but I don't think it's something you can simply "impose" on yourself. I think "getting there" is a true process, not something you can (should) coerce yourself into just by deciding. As you are finding, "just deciding" is disrespectful to your feelings & your emotional process, because it ignores them, essentially expecting them to "fall in line."
    I think that's the key problem. There's a whole parcel of feelings to process in the situation, and lots to work out. Can you seek

    Answer by girlwithC at 6:14 AM on Oct. 16, 2013

  • support for yourself during this time? That's what I would do.
    It sounds like your husband is not doing very well with sorting out any of it for himself, unsupported. Obviously he was reluctant to consider the possibility that this would come to anything, and then when it did he began to muddle through, which suggests that he has good intentions, but probably lacks much clarity (and tends toward avoidance.) The support of marriage counseling could help a lot, regardless of your ultimate decision regarding the marriage.
    That's what I recommend, regardless of "outcome."
    You could tell him you think you two need some help sorting all of this out. That you don't feel clear at all, and given the pregnancy & the situation in your marriage, it's important to you to get support during this process.
    If you DO ultimately find a way to stay, getting there with support in feeling what you feel & being heard about it seems most promising.

    Answer by girlwithC at 6:24 AM on Oct. 16, 2013

  • I don't think there is a right or wrong way to handle this situation. I think you need to find help with sorting through your feelings so you can decide how you need to handle it for yourself- the right way for *you* to handle it.

    Answer by But_Mommie at 6:28 AM on Oct. 16, 2013

  • That's a tough situation, esp. when you're pregnant. I agree that counseling is your best option at this point. Do you have family or close friends who live nearby in case you need to walk away from this mess? The reason I ask is b/c of "Over the past few months she has called and texted me harassing me and using this as a weapon to get a rise out of me and he stays neutral to the whole situation" He doesn't get to stay neutral & he doesn't get to deny the truth & keep things from you. That is no way to rebuild the trust he broke by having his affair. GL

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 6:41 AM on Oct. 16, 2013

  • In my marriage cheating is a deal breaker, so we wouldn't even still be together for it to be my concern.

    Answer by bandgeek521 at 6:59 AM on Oct. 16, 2013

  • You never said if you two where together when he had sex with this other women? If it was before you two got together. Well you need to deal with it. But if it was an affair/you two where together when it happened. I say leave his sorry ass.

    Answer by louise2 at 7:53 AM on Oct. 16, 2013

  • When you ARE the situation, you don't get to be neutral. He needs to get off the fence and make some decisions. Starting with does he want to be with you or not (whether you want to stay is irrelevant right now). If he wants to be with you, then he needs to put a stop to all her behavior. Contact should be regarding the child and the issues surrounding the child only. Nothing else at all. If he's not willing to do that, then staying would not be an option for me. I would refuse to be with a man who would cheat on me and then let his affair partner abuse me like that.

    If he is willing to do that, then counseling would be in order - whether you decide to stay or go, I think counseling would be helpful for you. Even if you ultimately split, you have kids together so finding a way to deal with all this so you can get along would be best for the kids.

    Answer by wendythewriter at 8:16 AM on Oct. 16, 2013

  • 9 years of marriage, DNA testing for baby

    yes, louise2, she did mention through math equation

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:18 AM on Oct. 16, 2013

  • i could see your willingness to be understanding if the baby had been conceived before you two were married. however since he cheated on you and it possibly resulted in a child if it were me personally i'd leave him.

    Answer by tnm786 at 8:23 AM on Oct. 16, 2013

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