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Still hung up on his ex?

i'm dating someone new, finally. even though my divorce was finalized 2 months ago, my ex and i have been apart for over 2 years, so i was beyond ready. i wasn't really putting myself out there, just living my life normally and letting the chips fall wherever. well i started talking to an old friend from high school. things are going really good, he's polite, respectful, hasn't made any sexual advances at me yet so i don't think he's a pig like the rest of them. but i have a feeling he may still be hung up on his ex. they have a child together, and trust me, i am in no way shape or form jealous of that nor would i ever want to cause any disruption between the two of them. the thing is, they only broke up 6 months ago, and we got on the subject of personal things last night and come to find out the last time they had sex was just over 2 months ago.... which in my little world, is pretty recent considering it's been a hell of a lot longer for me. i started to think that this might explain some things. he still does a lot of favors for her, takes her to work, picks her up if needed, and he is basically her rescue guy. he says since he's been talking to me, she's been bitchy to him and tells him he doesn't 'treat her the same' anymore, and he says he thinks she was expecting him to just wait for her forever. but he'll brush it off like he doesn't care what she says or thinks. i'm starting to think that this isn't the case. i do like him, and i know he likes me, but idk if i want to take it any further if there is going to be that doubt kwim? maybe he just needs more time? idk...

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tnm786

Asked by tnm786 at 8:50 AM on Oct. 17, 2013 in Relationships

Level 43 (159,608 Credits)
Answers (16)
  • My gut says keep the relationship as friends. Way too many red flags here.
    butterflyblue19

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 8:57 AM on Oct. 17, 2013

  • First I thought of when you said he has not made any sexual advances towards you is that, he is probably getting it from some one else(sex). Then you said he has been getting it from his EX. Yea, that is why he has not tried anything with you.
    Two things. Either keep it as friends. Or if you want more. Confront him about his relationship with his ex. The sexual part.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 9:05 AM on Oct. 17, 2013

  • we've only been talking for 3 or 4 weeks. we aren't exclusive or anything and we've only been on one actual date so far since we live far from eachother and we both have kids. as far as i know he hasn't had sex with her since we've been dating. but i do see the red flags about their relationship & his feelings toward her... :(
    tnm786

    Comment by tnm786 (original poster) at 9:08 AM on Oct. 17, 2013

  • He had sex with her 2 months ago, and they broke up 6 months ago. I wouldn't get involved. If it was any other ex, I'd say maybe, because if he really wanted to date you, he could cut off all communication. But he has a child with her, so he can't. And there's no telling how many other times he slept with her since they broke up. She might be his fall back every time he gets horny and can't get it somewhere else, or every time he feels down or angry or whatever. I wouldn't want to deal with that.

    I'd keep looking for someone else.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 9:11 AM on Oct. 17, 2013

  • Definitely sounds like they have unfinished business if they broke up 6 months ago and where still having sex 2 months ago. I'd personally leave it before you start having strong feelings for him, you definitely deserve better!
    kylie_bob

    Answer by kylie_bob at 10:23 AM on Oct. 17, 2013

  • they broke up 6 months ago, but he is still sleeping with her
    at least 2 months ago, 4 months after break up

    their relationship is not over yet

    distance your feelings when it comes to more than friends
    at least for now

    if he is the one for you, he will make this apparent
    fiatpax

    Answer by fiatpax at 10:26 AM on Oct. 17, 2013

  • Personally, if everything else about this guy seems a good fit for you I would have a serious conversation about it with him. See what he says.
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 11:28 AM on Oct. 17, 2013

  • I think people do have sex after a breakup even when they intend to stay broken up. I think the fact that it happened doesn't tell you anything definitive, beyond suggesting that they were in that process of ending a relationship & dealing with still having feelings/history. I know people for whom it truly WAS an "oops," in terms of their resolve to stay apart. They fully knew "that ship had sailed" but had that experience for a variety of reasons. And others for whom it happened because they were ambivalent about the relationship (even though they didn't get back together.) Women here have talked about having sex with estranged husbands during the process of ending a marriage.

    Were they married? I first assumed so, but sounds like they had a child together, but weren't married.
    Maybe the breakup process is a bit more ambiguous if it doesn't involve ending a marriage, going through divorce.

    6 months is not long, regardless.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 11:52 AM on Oct. 17, 2013

  • I think it is a good sign he talked to you about it, he wasn't trying to hide it.
    Just don't sleep with him or have him around your children for say 6 months, if he is a keeper you will know by then.
    I am not shocked he had sex with her, sometimes it is hard not to go back to something "safe".
    Just don't rush into anything, and at the very least you will have a new friend out of the deal.
    2kids2dogs2cats

    Answer by 2kids2dogs2cats at 11:57 AM on Oct. 17, 2013

  • they were not married, but together for 4 years.
    tnm786

    Comment by tnm786 (original poster) at 12:33 PM on Oct. 17, 2013

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