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Join my pitty party? *EDITED* to explain a little more for those who asked

I really just need to get this out, input is always welcome on how to express how I feel with out being mean because right now I want to hurt his feelings like he has hurt mine and I know that is not the way to handle this.

In the past sex has become non existent due to health issues, fine, I love him for much more than that. But in past week I have

1. rolled over to snuggle when I knew he was awake in the morning. He said he had to go to the restroom okay, I usually do when I wake up too but when he came out, he got dressed and left the room. Not a word, I literally cried ! Silly I know but it hit me wrong. I told him later he really hurt my feelings. He said sorry but his back was hurting. I let it go.

2. last night he came to bed and I said lets snuggle, he said with my cpap on or no? I said how about no incase we want to talk? He said, I better just put it on incase I fall asleep! Why the hell did he ask! I just got up out of bed and came down here and cried.

He says he loves me all the time, kisses me hello and goodbye but that is it. I don't know, I am just sad right now. Anyone else have this issue? If so how do you handle it?


***we both have the health issues, I had a condition that made me frail in comparison to who I used to be and I have a good bit of pain issues myself, and he can have sex but his body hurts, he has arthritis real bad and is on his feet all day so he is usually just completely worn by they time he gets in from work and in pain***  Definatley not a lack of able to get aroused, its truly physically impossible in other ways for both of us. 


Asked by Anonymous at 10:34 AM on Oct. 17, 2013 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (17)
  • "Maybe I am putting to much into and need to not be selfish in wanting it so much it upsets me."

    I think you are putting too much into it. My husband is also in a non-performing state because of a motorcycle accident a decade ago. It was very hard in the beginning, but his pain was so intense even with simple snuggling that it took all the enjoyment out of that for me.

    So you find other ways to connect. We're closer now than ever; 24 years together, 20 married.

    Answer by gdiamante at 7:22 PM on Oct. 18, 2013

  • My guess is that he is embarrassed and feels like he is letting you down, and so he gets away from you. Try asking him for affection somewhere other than in the bedroom, and see if he responds any differently.

    Answer by NannyB. at 11:31 AM on Oct. 17, 2013

  • I think it's time to have a talk. You need to tell him how this all makes you feel and if he doesn't get it or still refuses to communicate then suggest marriage counseling. If he won't do that, then I would suggest reading the 5 languages of love. It's way too easy to let other daily tasks and responsibilities take over your life and then you find yourself not really remembering what brought you two together in the first place. Effective and respectful communication is key. When you talk to him, don't use 'you' statements, use 'I' statements. "I feel ABC" or "when I get in bed to cuddle, I feel like I am not a priority" or something to that effect. You statements will put him on the defense and discussion will go downhill fast. He likely isn't trying to make you feel that way, so giving him a chance to say what he feels without feeling blame will be more constructive.


    Answer by QuinnMae at 11:13 AM on Oct. 17, 2013

  • Is he depressed?

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 11:11 AM on Oct. 17, 2013

  • I agree with "I messages" versus "you messages," but be careful that "I statements" aren't just "you messages" in disguise! lol It's best to keep it to feelings. If you can drop the words "I feel" and it's still a sentence, it's not a feeling, it's an idea/thought & usually a statement about the other person.
    Sometimes a person can hear you say you FEEL "rejected" without feeling accused of rejecting you, but more often people have trouble hearing that as a statement about you, not them. They get defensive when your "feeling words" are subtle or implied criticisms. "Feeling like you're not a priority" is a thought or judgment about a feeling, and a statement about what the other person's doing.

    Identifying the actual feelings (rather than focusing on what the other person is "making you feel") is worthwhile.

    Some feelings I can guess at by what you describe are:

    Answer by girlwithC at 12:07 PM on Oct. 17, 2013

  • I voted up NannyB's reply just because I do imagine that his behavior is driven by feelings, too. If he IS avoiding you, it's happening for a reason, and it probably is something you could relate to or have deep compassion for if you knew what it was.
    Also, her suggestion to initiate affectionate, close contact in a non-bedroom context seems like a good one. It might make it easier for him to respond affirmatively.
    But it might not be a quick, easy fix, either. And avoiding cuddling, snuggling, physical contact even in other contexts still would imply feelings. We try to avoid uncomfortable experiences, and so we typically try to avoid coming into contact with things we feel unable to fix/change, or things that make us feel like failures, or feelings of embarrassment or shame, or feelings of obligation that trigger resentment in us (such as feeling controlled/pushed), etc. That leads to shutdown, and "not going there" efforts!

    Answer by girlwithC at 12:17 PM on Oct. 17, 2013

  • Awe, hugs :(

    Maybe make a date to go out for a walk somewhere nice & just hold hands? Then go for lunch.

    Sometimes we have to put a lot of effort into making special time together & then it becomes easier.


    Answer by ILovemyPaulie at 12:20 PM on Oct. 17, 2013

  • Or!

    Just go out & but yourself a nice piece of jewelry or some new shoes :)

    Answer by ILovemyPaulie at 12:21 PM on Oct. 17, 2013

  • I am with the others, he is worried that snuggling might lead to "having" to perform, and he can't. You didn't go into detail about what the health issue is, but I think it is time for him to speak with his doctor.
    I am sure he is depressed as you are, maybe even more so.
    I agree with Paulie go out, have dinner, and then speak to him about seeing a professional (the both of you) to navigate how to come to terms with living without sex.

    Answer by 2kids2dogs2cats at 12:34 PM on Oct. 17, 2013

  • That wouldn't bother me at all... LMAO!

    Answer by m-avi at 11:41 AM on Oct. 17, 2013