Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

3 Bumps

As an adoptee, how do you tell your parents that you've found your birth mom?

I just turned 45 and my birth mom contacted me the day after my last birthday. I was raised by two loving parent are now divorced living in another state. I don't get to see my mom but maybe once every year or two, but talk to her weekly. I'd much rather this be a conversation done in person, but due to distance think it's going to be a phone conversation. How can I reassure her that this is not a slap to her? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Answer Question
Kari M.

Asked by Kari M. at 1:01 PM on Oct. 17, 2013 in Adoption

Level 2 (4 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • as an adoptive parent I am sure she is aware that there was a chance this day would come. I am adopted, found mine didn't like them and that was that. I also have just been reunited with my son that I placed. his parents were very supportive of our reunion.

    Tell her that she will always be MOM, your real mom! But that you have questions and of course you are curious so you want to meet her in person.

    good luck with both telling your mom and meeting your birthmom

    Answer by luvmygrandgirl at 1:07 PM on Oct. 17, 2013

  • Could you do this over Skype or similar? That might help some. GL

    Answer by silverthreads at 2:19 PM on Oct. 17, 2013

  • All you can do is assure your adoptive mom that you love her. The rest is really up to her. Hopefully, if she's emotionally mature, she'll figure out that you aren't trying to replace her.

    Answer by Ballad at 6:01 PM on Oct. 17, 2013

  • Wanted to say a quick thank you to all for your stories and advice. I have already met my birth mom and a sister that's two years younger than me. The meeting went well. I also have a baby sister that's five years younger, but she lives far away so I haven't met her in person yet, but have talked on the phone.

    I hadn't thought about Skype with my mom and that's a wonderful idea. I think that will be the route to take.

    Again, thanks and I'll keep ya posted.
    Kari M.

    Comment by Kari M. (original poster) at 7:08 PM on Oct. 17, 2013

  • "A letter to my adoptive parents"

    Maybe this will help you script something for your amom.

    Good for you in telling them!
    I never told mine about my reunion because of the drama and guilt I would have got from them. It was best for me, but not easy involving others to be quite- or else. The whole point of searching was to put and end to the secrets and lies.
    Sucks that it was easier to continue that SSshh! Don't tell practice.
    Good luck and update us when you can.

    Answer by adopteeme at 6:18 AM on Oct. 22, 2013

  • Has your mom never mentioned your birth parents? I'm taking a guess that she's somewhere in her mid 60's so the idea of finding birthparents may have never crossed her mind or she could carry a worry about what would happen if your birth parents ever did find you.

    I'd feel her out before springing something like this on her. Tell her you've always wondered about them and see what she thinks. Reassure her that she will always be mom. The one you run to with your joys and sorrows. If she gets really upset then hold off for a few weeks and then bring it up again and reassure her. Gradually I think she'd come around. Then she doesn't have to know WHEN you found each other but simply that you did. When she knows you've meant reassure her that your birthmom could never replace her in your heart. As they say "We may not have carried you in our womb but you were born in our hearts."

    Answer by baconbits at 4:10 PM on Nov. 8, 2013

  • it depends.

    Answer by christina122952 at 4:19 PM on Dec. 1, 2013

  • I just wanted to take a minute to thank everyone for their thoughts and comments and ideas. Considering the both of my adoptive parents live out of state, I really had no other choice but to do this over the phone. This is a very tough decision, but it was something I thought that I needed to do, sooner rather than later. My dad was totally understanding with that. He told me he was not disappointed at all, that I was an adult and that I needed to know so, so that he was happy for me. All of my siblings were happy that I had found the missing piece to my puzzle. However, my mother was a different story. When I told her that I had searched for my birth mother and had found her and that I had two half sisters, there was a very long silence. She seemed not only hurt but also angry. I told her that she was my mom my mommy and that she would always be my mommy. I told her that when I was little she was the 1 who kissed my boo-boos,
    Kari M.

    Comment by Kari M. (original poster) at 12:48 AM on Dec. 24, 2013

  • was there when I cracked my head open, and when I was bit by a dog. I told her that I love her, I will always love her, that will never change and she will always be my mom!

    On a sidenote I was diagnosed December 6, With breast cancer in my left breast. My birth mother was diagnosed with breast cancer this June and my younger sister had colon cancer a couple of years ago. I called to see if the Braquet test would be covered with my insurance coverage, and found that I am literally just within their limits being 45 years old. If I were 46, I would be out of luck in getting this test covered. I had the Braquet test and will have the results, or hope to have the results, on December 30th of this year. I can't help to think that timing is everything! I really couldn't have done this or found this family at a better time! Thank you all and God bless. I will keep you informed.
    Kari M.

    Comment by Kari M. (original poster) at 12:49 AM on Dec. 24, 2013

  • Hope all is well.

    Answer by staciandababy at 2:44 AM on Feb. 9, 2014

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.