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why is my ten year old son lashing out at me, speaking nasty and yelling at me?

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Asked by windspa3 at 10:51 AM on Oct. 21, 2013 in General Parenting

Level 1 (2 Credits)
Answers (14)
  • With only this much information, I would say it is because you have not taught him to be respectful from the time he was born. This is the age when the lack of disrespect really begins to show its ugly self. To be honest, it is late to start teaching respect, but you must give it your best effort. Your window of opportunity is very small at this point, but it can be done if you are diligent and consistent. I wish you the best in getting this job done!

    Answer by NannyB. at 10:54 AM on Oct. 21, 2013

  • Why are you allowing it?

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 10:57 AM on Oct. 21, 2013

  • I have no ideal. You tell us.

    Answer by KTElite at 10:59 AM on Oct. 21, 2013

  • we need WAY more info to even begin to help you with this one

    Answer by charlotsomtimes at 11:09 AM on Oct. 21, 2013

  • Although I agree it's important to teach your children to be respectful, I think that sometimes there are other things going on in their lives. Try to find out what's going on, and if he won't open up to you maybe he will to a counselor.

    And, although I think 10 is a little young, as the mother of three boys, I believe when they hit a certain age, hormones make boys more aggressive. This doesn't mean they got off the hook and shouldn't have consequences for their behavior, but it can be a reason for them lashing out.

    Parents are without a doubt responsible for making rules and enforcing them, and giving their children guidance in how to behave. However, that doesn't mean that they have total control over who their children are, and what they do. Children are still individuals with their own mind and will.

    Do your best to find out what is going on & get some parental support to figure out how to handle the situation. Hugs.

    Answer by ohwrite at 11:11 AM on Oct. 21, 2013

  • The only answer is because you allow it. And it will only get worse if you don't stop it now. Time to get creative with effective discipline to teach him how to control his mouth. Find something that works and be consistent

    Answer by Nimue930 at 11:11 AM on Oct. 21, 2013

  • If it's a new behavior, I'd be willing to bet something is going on. What could he be angry about? Could something have changed at school? Is he hanging out with new friends?

    In any case, you want to show him right away that it's not okay to treat anyone like that, even if there is a problem. My first response would be to simply walk away whenever he yelled or lashed out, and refuse to engage in the conversation till he decided to be civil. My second response would be to take away privileges. But the whole time, I'd be trying to figure out what might be taking place in that preteen head of his.

    Answer by Ballad at 11:14 AM on Oct. 21, 2013

  • Do not walk away from an angry boy. You get in his face and put the fear of God in him. For some reason, he appears to think that it's okay to be disrespectful to you. You need to nip that now before he's bigger and stronger than you. You are the boss, and he needs to know his place. Males are much more hierarchical than females are; use that to your advantage.

    Yes, yank privileges. Yes, find out what is going on to stir him up. But do not let him treat you with disrespect. That has to stop, and you are running out of time.

    Answer by May-20 at 11:38 AM on Oct. 21, 2013

  • There are many possible reasons.
    You can assume that feelings drive the behavior, but you can't accurately assume the cause of those feelings.
    Fortunately, you don't have to know that with clarity in order to respond constructively.

    It is NOT too late to repair a relationship, or to parent your son in a way that encourages & supports respectful communication. You just have to respond in ways that don't undermine that goal.

    The first thing I would do is bring my attention to how to RESPOND (not react) to what he's communicating when he yells or speaks nastily to you. Contingent communication is grasping/decoding the message being communicated TO you, and responding in a way that conveys your understanding. One of the best tools available when you're facing upsetting language & behaviors (disrespectful, angry, defiant communication) is reflective listening. Respond to the emotion, not the form the communication took.

    Answer by girlwithC at 11:58 AM on Oct. 21, 2013

  • So, when he responds explosively to an instruction or request, you recognize internally that he feels bossed around or disrespected, and you respond by acknowledging how he didn't feel like being bossed around, rather than by taking issue with the WAY he communicated it.
    You are not "reinforcing" the behavior by responding in this way. You are showing acceptance for feelings (versus reacting in a way that completely ignores or rejects them) AND you are modeling a more acceptable way of expressing them.
    You are not "liking" his communication. You are adjusting to the reality of the moment & responding as constructively as possible to it, in the interest of improving FUTURE moments. (Versus struggling against what IS happening, by thinking/saying that it "shouldn't" be happening.)
    And you're responding in a way that helps to address (instead of exacerbating) the underlying causes FOR the upsetting, problematic behavior.

    Answer by girlwithC at 12:07 PM on Oct. 21, 2013

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