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Why do I feel so bad?

My dd10 has a friend who we really like a lot when she comes over she is very polite and calm not out of control but I just started this new job and asked my dd's friend not to come over while I'm gone (until I get home about 30mins.) well I have been feeling very tired lately and every time my dd's friend wants to come over I say no bc I am so tired so she waits until another time and again I say no I just want it to be really quiet ( even though she is a very well mannered girl) well the other day my dd's other friend from school has the same class with my dd and her mother asked if she can bring her by and drop her off at my home so she can walk to school together (the mother did not want to leave her dd at school bc at that time it is still very dark) so I told her if you want bring her by for now on (I couldn't imagine leaving my dd there in the dark either) well my dd's first friend loved to meet my dd at the corner of the street and walk to school and have breakfast but now that my dd's other friend is in the picture and walks to school with my dd my dd's friend doesn't want to hang out with my dd if her friend is around I just feel so bad for her :( what can I do to make it up I do not want my dd to lose her friendship with her bc I was trying to protect another girl.
Help! And thx for your thoughts...venting somewhat :/

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 10:58 PM on Oct. 23, 2013 in Tweens (9-12)

Answers (8)
  • This was incredibly hard to read; paragraphs and punctuation really can help get more answers. I copy-pasted the whole thing to a Word doc to sort it out. Here are the things I noted:

    I’m seeing a red flag about your health here. The kind of tiredness you're reporting should be checked.

    So the girls aren’t getting along. This girl’s attitude is not your problem.

    STAY OUT OF IT. You’ve done nothing wrong and there's nothing here for you to fix. Leave it.

    Answer by gdiamante at 12:14 AM on Oct. 24, 2013

  • I think it wouldn't be so bad if the first girl were still coming over in ther afternoon. She probably felt she had done something to upset you and/ or your DD and now she is separated from your DD in the morning. It just feels like your DD no longer wants to be around her, even though that is not the case. I am sure she feels the other friend has replaced her and she is hurt.

    Answer by Dardenella at 12:20 AM on Oct. 24, 2013

  • Could you have the first girl, the old friend, come over on the weekend or something when you have more energy? Then she could hang out with your daughter.

    Answer by Ballad at 12:37 AM on Oct. 24, 2013

  • Gdiamante did great. I got SO lost reading this.

    Answer by staciandababy at 12:43 AM on Oct. 24, 2013

  • How bout a little communication with the other little girl who wanted to play in the afternoon? Explain what happened with the mornings and add that it's okay to have more than one friend. Suck it up and have her come over one afternoon at least to help repair the situation.

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 1:16 AM on Oct. 24, 2013

  • Why does the afternoon friend have to come to your house for the girls to hang out? Why can't they hang out at her house?

    And I agree about the health thing if you need the house to be that quiet when you get home. Maybe a doctor's visit is in order.

    Answer by QuinnMae at 9:38 AM on Oct. 24, 2013

  • It sounds like you feel bad because you have been saying No to playdates for awhile, and you're sorry about it.

    It sounds like the little girl is a neighbor. When she asks to get together, could your daughter go over there to play sometimes?

    Also, explore what is problematic about having her over, and what might be helpful to address that, so you can say Yes without it causing serious issues for you. This is about honoring your feelings of reluctance AND your guilty feelings, and looking at the situation in order to make helpful changes so it's not either/or, someone losing, but constructive changes so everyone's needs are considered & respected, and addressed!

    What is the cost to you if your daughter has a friend over? (Do you feel like you have to do things, suggest activities, be involved? Does it get in the way of you getting dinner ready, or decompressing?) Are your self-expectations realistic? Could you adjust any?

    Answer by girlwithC at 11:57 AM on Oct. 24, 2013

  • Maybe it creates more mess or disorganization than you want to deal with? If that's the case, then that's the issue and you can address it with collaborative problem-solving rather than resorting to preemptive avoidance that leaves you feeling guilty!

    (example) If you don't have the energy to clean up after them, but you're sure that's what will happen, you don't HAVE to say No to playdates in order to avoid this! It's also possible to address the issue itself & set clearer limits with expectations---have an understanding with them.

    I have a daughter this age & if I let her know an issue (like, it's hard for me to consent to a specific activity or request because I'm fearful it is likely to create XYZ hardship for me, and I'm not willing to take that on), then she is responsive to that. She would negotiate with me & take responsibility for certain things she wants/values that I am not keen to do: problem-solving.

    Answer by girlwithC at 12:09 PM on Oct. 24, 2013

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