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2 Bumps

How do I mend a rocky relationship with my mom when her husband is the root of the problem?

My parents have been divorced for about 30 years. When my mom started dating her current husband 6 or 7 years ago, I thought he was a pretty good guy. Although, after a few months, he was living with her and making her pay for HIS son's car, car insurance and cell phone bills while leaving her bills go unpaid to appease to him. I told her, at that time, something's not right. Excuses were made, etc. I forgave but didn't forget those actions and moved on. They rushed into buying a house and getting married. He's pulled a lot of bs in our family. We used to be able to have holidays and kids' parties at our house, and everyone got along (my dad, his wife, my brother, my mom and her husband). Things used to be great, until he decided that exes shouldn't be in the same county, let alone the same house together...for any reason. Needless to say holidays and parties become more of a headache and stress than it was fun. He would call me complaining that he couldn't handle mom's depression and he was going to leave her...that he would drop my brother like a ton of bricks if he ever saw him again. He came into my house, and was so rude and disrespectful. He's made comments such as "behave or you're going by grandpa xxx" like it was a punishment...and "I'll send you home with (his son) and he'll straighten you out". He made it very clear that he didn't like my dad...going as far as making fun of his walking after my son's baseball public (my dad has Parkinsons Plus). Mom's husband made her, already rocky, relationship with my brother, now non existent. Almost 2 years ago, mom and him got into another argument and he told her things I never said so she'd be angry at me and hurt her feelings. He held our jointly owned utility trailer hostage so that my brother couldn't use it during their moving to a new house. Nearly 2 Christmas' ago, he told my mom (and she agreed with him) that having Christmas Day celebration at my brother's house with her and her husband NOT being invited was my fault and I shouldn't have let that happen. Needless to say...I've told my mom that I don't want her husband in mine or my family's life...I don't want him around my kids and he's not welcome at our house. She said she understood and would respect my wishes. I've not seen or talked to him in nearly 2 years. My kids haven't stayed overnight there in the same amount of time either. The more time passes, she's taken on a lot of his mannerisms and attitude. We are no where near as close as we used to be. She keeps pushing for "them" to stop over and for the kids to come stay overnight at her house. I've stuck to my guns on this. In some respect, I feel bad for her because she lost the quality time with my kids, but I feel that she's chosen that path. I don't feel as close to her as I used to in the past...and it's all because of her husband. We go to church and pray, and I know that I should forgive and be the bigger person, but I just can't bring myself to open our lives up to him again after all the damage he's done. Does anyone have any advice on this??

Answer Question

Asked by busymom2818 at 1:55 AM on Oct. 26, 2013 in Relationships

Level 2 (6 Credits)
Answers (5)
  • Stay your course. It's the right one. She's not acting like a mother.

    Answer by gdiamante at 1:58 AM on Oct. 26, 2013

  • As hard as it is to dealwith, your mother has made her choice, and it's not you or your kids. It's her husband and his bullshit. She's reaping what she's sewn, by not having quality time with you and your family. Unfortunately, you're also paying for her bad choices. But a man like her husband isn't going to change. If you let her back in your life, you're just opening yourself up for more pain. Be strong.

    Answer by Ballad at 2:06 AM on Oct. 26, 2013

  • Did not read the whole thing. Keep the DH out of your relationship with your mom. Go out to diiner or lunch with her only.

    Answer by louise2 at 9:40 AM on Oct. 26, 2013

  • He sounds like an older, and baggage-laden, version of my ex-husband. At first, he was all nice and sweet and pretty romantic. Then we got married and he became a possessive-abusive, jealous asshole. In just six months of marriage he managed to break ALL his promises he made to me. The last one, on my 21st birthday no less, was when he left his one and only bruise. I walked out his door and into a lawyer's office.

    Unfortunately, jerks like that don't change. All you can really do is what you're doing: Sticking to your guns about HIM not being welcome in your life. Until your mom pulls her head out (doubtful at this point) there's not much else you can do.

    Answer by Rosehawk at 12:09 PM on Oct. 26, 2013

  • Those are your terms, your personal limits, and that is valid. They also are tough or challenging. It makes sense that the whole situation (with limits in place) would feel tense or strained, and that the relationship would feel compromised because there are a lot of limits, or things that just can't happen. That's a loss, or a trade-off.

    I think if you want to feel closer or "mend a rocky relationship" with your mom, the way to do that while honoring your limits is to reach out to her in ways that you can handle. Phone calls might be a way to stay in touch & cultivate some contact, closeness & intimacy. Another would be meeting up for regular or occasional lunches. (Etc.) Also, periodically sharing your feelings about the circumstances. Not in a way that makes her responsible for those feelings, but in a way that acknowledges the situation & makes clear that you have feelings about it, too. It's a loss you both share & feel.

    Answer by girlwithC at 2:04 PM on Oct. 26, 2013

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