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Caught in the middle

i have 2 adult daughters ages 32 and 22. they are in fighting right now. the 32 yr.old is married and has 2 kids. her husband is controlling and can be emotionally abusive. hes turned off her cell phone kicked out of their home with nothing but the clothes on her back left her with no money and called her all kinds of names. weve told her how weve all felt. but its like she has blinders on. she says she wants her family to work out. her own son has told her to leave. my 22 year old daughter has said she won't and doesnt to be around her sister as long as hes with her husband. i have told her to that i don't like her husband either. i dont know how to bring peace to my family.

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carolina54

Asked by carolina54 at 8:52 PM on Oct. 26, 2013 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 7 (179 Credits)
Answers (7)
  • What they do is their choise. doesn't mean you have to be around their DH's.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 8:55 PM on Oct. 26, 2013

  • It must be very hard to watch her put up with such abusive behavior. At least her son knows it's wrong, so hopefully, he won't repeat the same bad behavior modeled by his father. I've found people have their own breaking points. Obviously, she hasn't reached hers yet. Encourage her to seek counseling. And let her know you will always be there for her. Someday she will probably wind up on your doorstep. GL
    mrsmom110

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 9:03 PM on Oct. 26, 2013

  • If you two cut her off, he wins. He gets exactly what he wants.
    Keep in contact, but exclude him from family events.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 9:22 PM on Oct. 26, 2013

  • There is nothing you can do about her decision to stay with him. You can support her without enabling the behaviors that lead to this abuser / victim behavior. Spend time with her without her husband. Sometimes people need to distance themselves from things like this so that the 'victim' in the situation can see that there are real consequences to her choices. I have family that has done the same thing (with other family members, not me). It was never 'I won't spend time with you because of your husband', it was 'I won't be at family functions where I have to witness you being verbally and emotionally abused without saying something to your abuser, which in turn I know will only bring you more aggressive abuse once I am not there'. Sometimes they need to hear it from people that aren't their family so that they understand that it's not just family trying to control you.
    Whatever you do, good luck.
    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 9:40 PM on Oct. 26, 2013

  • Here's my advice.
    Figure out what you personal limits are & hold them. But don't make those choices about "getting" someone else to do anything: to change, to decide something, to give in...

    I would NOT exclude her from your life "until" she leaves her husband. That kind of leverage is all about control & force.
    If I needed to have a boundary involving him, because I'm not willing to see him or spend time with him, then she might not be welcome or included (I know the holidays are coming up....) if she brings him. If it's not to that point, but I don't want them together, then I'd clearly state my opinions about his behavior & my wishes/beliefs as far as what to do, but leave the decision in her hands.

    I would not try to use MY relationship, or her feelings for ME, to force her hand, even to do something I'm convinced is "good" for her. It's disrespectful & controlling.

    It's a "two wrongs don't make a right" situation.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 7:22 AM on Oct. 27, 2013

  • You need to do what is in your heart as far as both daughters go. Do what is right for you. But they are adults and have to work out their relationship. You should not be involved in their relationship. Step back....have the relationship you want with each and let them decide how they will interact. GL
    silverthreads

    Answer by silverthreads at 8:40 AM on Oct. 27, 2013

  • Call the police for one. He can't just keep all her things. This stuff needs to be documented. Other than that what everyone else said. Cutting her out of your lives until she leaves him, makes you no better than he is. I would not stoop to that low.
    2autisticsmom

    Answer by 2autisticsmom at 9:46 AM on Oct. 27, 2013

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