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Advice appreciated...

so a very close friend of mine was in the ER all night with cramping & bleeding and she's 10 weeks pregnant. they told her it could be a miscarriage and there isn't anything they can do so they sent her home. she was also in the ER at 8 weeks with spotting but they told her she was fine and put her on bedrest. anyway she's obviously very upset and besides offering my condolences idk how else to comfort her. i've never been in her shoes so i don't want to say or do the wrong thing. those of you that have been in this position before, what would you have wanted from your friends during that difficult time? space, comfort, something else?? i should add that her and her fiance have been trying for years so this was going to be a very exciting thing for them :(

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tnm786

Asked by tnm786 at 8:27 AM on Oct. 28, 2013 in Pregnancy

Level 43 (159,608 Credits)
Answers (7)
  • Sounds like you already handled it perfectly.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 9:29 AM on Oct. 28, 2013

  • I had a few. All I wanted to do is talk if I wanted to or not. So just say that you are there if she wants to talk. A positive sign is that she can get pregnant & I made myself feel better by thinking if there was a problem with the baby (usually early miscarriages are abnormal due to a genetic flaw) I would rather the baby not suffer. BUT! That does not mean she cannot go on to have many healthy children. I could not get pregnant for years, then had 3 miscarriages & one at 20 weeks. Then I had my Son at 39 & at 44 had another surprise! My Daughter. So there is always hope. I went to a Geneticist early on & she explained it like this. "Pregnancy is like a train that needs to stop at every station. Sometimes if you miss a station (genetic flaw), then the train cannot go on". That made sense to me actually.
    ILovemyPaulie

    Answer by ILovemyPaulie at 9:48 AM on Oct. 28, 2013

  • From the women I know that have had miscarriages, they don't want to hear that it happened for a reason or any of that. The only thing that can express what is happening or has happened is 'that sucks'. Just be there for her and let her express herself in a way she needs to.
    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 10:06 AM on Oct. 28, 2013

  • It sounds like she is still waiting, but fearing the worst. (I wonder if they listened for the heartbeat or looked at an ultrasound? Or if they literally just said it "could" be a miscarriage and that was it.)
    I think what you can do is just be there. Waiting, not knowing yet, but fearing that loss is inevitable, is a really hard place to be. It is what it is. Acknowledging that gives someone that "company" of being seen, and mattering to someone, during the worst.
    It is so very sad. The prospect of loss, itself. The loss after waiting & trying. All of it. Feeling sad & caring is a primary deed.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 11:03 AM on Oct. 28, 2013

  • I've lost four babies out of five to miscarriage, and ridden the infertility roller coaster as well. First, realize for yourself that nothing you can say will really make your friend feel better. There are no words that will ease her pain. None. Time will, and having supportive friends will. Once you relieve yourself of the responsibility to come up with the impossible magic words, you'll be free to support your friend in whatever way she needs. Let her talk, or let her not talk. Ask her what might help--practical things like cooking her a few meals to put in the freezer, sitting with her to watch a movie so she can distract herself from the pain inside, whatever it takes. But the hardest thing for me to deal with was well-meaning friends who, in their desperation to come up with the right thing to say, said some of the worst stuff possible like it was God's will or it happened for a reason or you can always try again.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 12:29 PM on Oct. 28, 2013

  • Just be there when she wants you. After a few days check in and maybe treat her to a girl's day out.
    2autisticsmom

    Answer by 2autisticsmom at 6:10 PM on Oct. 28, 2013

  • Just be there when she wants/needs you. If you seems like she needs space, give her space. Try to talk about anything and everything other than what's going on unless she brings it up herself. I agree with 2autisticsmom...a girls day out might be a good idea too.
    collegexmamix28

    Answer by collegexmamix28 at 9:47 AM on Oct. 29, 2013

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