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3 Bumps

Any advice on how to get on with my life?

I am the mom who posted about my 21 yr old dating a drug dealer. She came home yesterday and i had to watch her take her things out of her closet and our home. I stood there and cried. I just dont understand how she could be moving in with a drug dealer that was just in bed with her friend two weeks ago! She told me that she just dont know who she is anymore and needs time to figure things out in her head. I just dont understand why she cant come home and do that. She knows the police are watching him and Im very scared for her. Shes somewhere in there when i look at her but seems to not be able to find her way out. Shes the only chilld ive ever had and i know i have to let trying but i know shes in trouble and its hard for me to get her off my mind. I think shes on drugs too. I held her in my arms yesterday and cried..i told her how much i loved her and that she always had a home...and if she needed any help for whatever shes into that i had to know what it was so i could help. She told me, I know mom...illl be ok. I know she wants to tell me something but still wont come out with it. Im holding my breath and trying to breathe...hardly sleeping.

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Asked by michelle91 at 9:28 AM on Oct. 28, 2013 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 4 (56 Credits)
Answers (12)
  • Look up Narc-Anon to see if there's a branch in your area. They can help you.

    Answer by gdiamante at 9:30 AM on Oct. 28, 2013

  • Just wondering how to get her help if she refuses?

    Comment by michelle91 (original poster) at 9:32 AM on Oct. 28, 2013

  • You need counseling. A neutral party to help you sort your feelings out and make sense of how this changes your world. Also on how to not enable more of this behavior. It's okay to be there for your child, but you don't want to make it okay for her to continue making bad choices, and essentially be a part of that. Like giving her money. If she is living with a known drug dealer, then there is a very high likelihood that she is abusing drugs in some way. Giving her money just helps with that habit, so don't. Always remind her that you have a place for her, but make sure that she knows that with that offer comes responsibility for her.

    I honestly don't have any idea of how to deal with something like this, but I think if it were me I would seek out a counselor that helps with this kind of thing.

    Whatever you decide, best of luck to you.  


    Answer by QuinnMae at 9:34 AM on Oct. 28, 2013

  • Thank you QuinnMae..i do think counseling may be a very good thing. Im going to look into that today..hopefully i can get her to attend, but if I cant, It may be a good thing for my husband and myself. Im so hurt by all this and that sounds like a very good idea. I havent given her any money., however if shes doing drugs, im sure shes getting it for free from him. I wish the cops would do there job and take him out of the picture.

    Comment by michelle91 (original poster) at 9:40 AM on Oct. 28, 2013

  • I'm sorry. :(

    This really makes me sad.
    I'm not going to pretend to give you advice, because I wouldn't know the first thing to do considering she is 21.
    But here's a bump for you and wishes that she come home to you.

    Answer by KTElite at 9:43 AM on Oct. 28, 2013

  • Yes, the primary beneficiary of counseling would be you (and your husband.) It is about getting support to relate in healthy, functional ways through this time. It is about getting support for your feelings of helplessness & your feelings of urgency. It's also an important contact for you that would increase your awareness of available resources & of strategies (so being in therapy could offer your guidance, as well.) But primarily it's about having emotional support so you can work through your "stuff" around this--so you can express your feelings (including that urgency about how to "get help for her" even if she refuses help.) Doing that will increase the likelihood that you will be able to have healthy boundaries & relate constructively to your daughter.
    It should help you recognize what you can't (and shouldn't) control, and cope with the pain of that, so that your interactions aren't undermined by those impulses.

    Answer by girlwithC at 10:56 AM on Oct. 28, 2013

  • Just wondering how to get her help if she refuses?

    Honey, If she refuses, all the help in the world you can come up with won't do a lick of good for her. You can toss a rope to a drowning person, but you can't make that person grab it. All you can do, as difficult as it is, will be to wait till your daughter is ready to change her life. I'm sorry, I can't even imagine how incredibly hard this must be for you and your husband. In your favor, it sounds like you and your daughter have had a loving relationship in the past. You told her you loved her when she left yesterday, she knows it, and hopefully that will be enough in the end. Your family is in my prayers.

    Answer by Ballad at 11:22 AM on Oct. 28, 2013

  • You can't control this. You CAN get help for you own emotional responses.

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 1:16 PM on Oct. 28, 2013

  • So sorry. I know you will be there for her when she sees the light. I pray that she does someday. It is so painful to be in your situation, but you need to support her so she will come to you for help. Not to be cold, but do you know if she is on birth control? No child should come into this environment. hug.

    Answer by silverthreads at 7:34 PM on Oct. 28, 2013

  • I am so sorry you are going through this, as a mom I know how helpless it feels to know where your daughter is heading and not being able to do a darn thing. You can only suggest and hope she will take the suggestions...but that is about it...just be there for her when she needs you, this is all you can do. My heart goes out to you, sending you a warm tight hug.

    Answer by older at 7:53 PM on Oct. 28, 2013

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