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2 Bumps

My vent...WWYD? (long)

So my Sister & her DH are causing my family nothing but upset. Basically my BIL is in a temporary Nursing Facility because he drank himself until he damaged his brain. He has alcoholic dementia. He cannot walk, he slurs words he can say, drools & soils himself all day. This is caused by years & years of self abuse.
My Dad got him a really good job yet he ruined it for himself. My Sister just went along for the ride & also indulged as well. The took trips they could not afford, ate out nearly every night, did foolish spending. Now this is where she sits. Next to his bed staring at him in despair. She will lose her home shortly. Yet is still trying to maintain her lifestyle including hair & nails done once a week, a gardener (who my Mom had to pay) etc.
Last year around this time, it was my Son's Birthday (in the afternoon) & my BIL was so drunk it was embarrassing in front of the other Mom's & Dad's at the Party I gave for my Son. I sat my sister down later & said enough is enough. You have to do something, his eyes are yellow, his liver is shot. he needs a rehab. I pleaded. She said "I need him to work or I can't pay the mortgage". I kept trying to make her get help for him to no avail.

His Mother has nearly lost her marbles because she is a drinker & is self medicating more than usual. My Mother cries all day over this. My Sister is slowly draining my Mother of her funds. She calls my Mother crying & begs for money so my Mom cannot say no (she says).
My other Sister & I are so upset now too. It's like my Sister & BIL lived for the day while all of us worked & took care of things. We don't ask anyone for money. We didn't vacation & spend like them yet we are forced to suffer their pain!?
I am angry about this & I do not want what THEY did to effect me as it has. I can't sleep & I have terrible dreams when I do. I am generally a very happy person who does not display to the world any issues I may have. I went through surgeries & cancer without them helping me with the kids either. So this is really just a vent & thanks for reading but do you think I am wrong for the anger I have? Am I wrong for not wanting to hear my Mom cry over this each day? Is it wrong to separate myself from this situation? WWYD?

BTW I'm a regular (ILove********)
I just went anon so it doesn't come up on google :P


Asked by Anonymous at 12:59 PM on Oct. 29, 2013 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (11)
  • At this point, you can only look out for yourself. Seriously, your sister and her husband are on a sinking ship, choosing to deny that their feet are wet. Your mother knows your sister has jewelry she could sell, a gardener that shouldn't be paid at a home she's about to lose, yet she keeps on paying. You've offered constructive help. You've thrown lifelines out to people who won't even admit they're drowning. It's time to pull back. Family is family, I know, but when people won't help themselves, there's not a damn thing you can do for them. Tell them you love them, but you won't listen to their woes anymore. Don't be sucked down by their tears; it's affecting your sleep and your well-being. Walk out on a conversation if this stuff comes up. If someone tries to draw you in, repeat like a broken record that you refuse to discuss it anymore. You're not doing them any favors by breaking your own heart over this.

    Answer by Ballad at 2:32 PM on Oct. 29, 2013

  • I really don't know what to say. There isn't much you can do to force her to accept and deal with reality. There are just some people like that and nothing short of being forced out of their home can wake them up to what is going on, and even then it's questionable if they really get the magnitude of the situation. The only thing you can do is try to forgive her (as in realize that she is not dealing with things and that when she finally does she may have nothing left to her name), but to also draw a boundary to what you will respond to. This goes for your mother as well. When she calls you to complain or cry, just tell her that she needs to speak to an accountant because there is nothing you can do for her. Do the same with your sister. As long as your mother enables her irresponsible habits, nothing will change.

    I'm sorry you are going through this, it's got to be hard to watch this happen to loved ones.


    Answer by QuinnMae at 5:14 PM on Oct. 29, 2013

  • You can't change your mother, you can advise her to stop, talk to your sister about stopping to ask for money, but at the end of the day, you can tell both of them that when they are both broke, you will not be able to help them recover. I assume the plan is for her to move in with your mother when the house is foreclosed on?
    You have to say your part, then distance yourself from both of them, this means don't answer the calls, and don't engage in the drama.

    Answer by 2kids2dogs2cats at 3:20 PM on Oct. 29, 2013

  • ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) About a million of those to you right now. I also think Ballad has given you the best advice so far.

    Answer by Rosehawk at 3:54 PM on Oct. 29, 2013

  • And wanted to add that Yes, I think it's perfectly natural to feel angry about the situation. Perhaps when your mother calls to complain or cry about the situation, you should remind her that you don't have enough room for all of them so she better make sure she doesn't risk her own home.

    Sometimes a little tough love goes a long way with some people. Unfortunately this is a huge problem and it won't be solved easily.


    Answer by QuinnMae at 5:19 PM on Oct. 29, 2013

  • I do not think you are wrong bu your mother is. She enables the behavior and so causes part of this pain herself. Your sister refuses to see anything needs to change. There is nothing you can do except support you mother (emotionally)

    Answer by Dardenella at 1:29 PM on Oct. 29, 2013

  • I hope you are not giving your sister money.

    Answer by louise2 at 1:39 PM on Oct. 29, 2013

  • What an amazing waste of funds.

    I would volunteer at a rehabilitate facility to soothe my mind.

    Answer by staciandababy at 2:50 PM on Oct. 29, 2013

  • you need to distance yourself for your own health
    sad situation, but really not your to 'own'
    take things off your shoulders that you not yours

    Answer by fiatpax at 5:52 PM on Oct. 29, 2013

  • louise2, no, I cannot afford to give her money. I have told my Sister to sell her jewelry if she needs money. I have told my Mother to tell her as well. She has Rolex's, Cartier & more to sell which would pay her Mortgage for Many months yet she takes from my Mom. I told my Mom to tell her to sell these things & tell her to put her home up for sale before she loses it. She chooses to live in denial. My DH has even talked to her. We have had Attorneys call her to give he advice since she cannot afford a permanent Nursing home for him & they will put a lien on her home. She will not call them back & ask for advice. She cannot care for him at home either. He is a very large man & cannot afford an aide to come in. Yet we sit & despair.....for what???

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:06 PM on Oct. 29, 2013