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Very embarrassed to talk about sex with my husband

My husband and I have been married for 8+ years and I have NEVER been able to discuss sex with any of the men I've been with. when I was a child I was raped for years by a family member and molested by two men I trusted. I was also taught by my mother that sex is almost a shameful act, so being married I almost feel like I just want to hurry up and get it over with because I can not have an orgasm though sex, which my husband knows, but I can have one orally so when we have sex I use a vibrator, thus having an orgasm too. I'm just not comfortable with sex and I know it bother's my husband because I just can't tell him what I want and like, or what I don't. How can I become more comfortable with my husband, I just want to please him and I know he is getting bored in our sex life as I just want quick sex and even just kissing or messing around makes me uncomfortable, it just makes me uncomfortable to even touch, please help me!

Answer Question
 
butterfly_4_7

Asked by butterfly_4_7 at 9:12 PM on Oct. 29, 2013 in Relationships

Level 2 (4 Credits)
Answers (18)
  • write him a letter
    butterflyblue19

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 9:15 PM on Oct. 29, 2013

  • He is your husband, your partner. You should trust him ABOVE and BEYOND anyone else in your life. He chose to spend his life with YOU. If you can't talk to him about sex, you're not going to be able to talk to anyone without serious therapy.

    However, you just blabbed to a bunch of internet strangers (you didn't even bother to click ANON) about being raped, molested, shamed, using a vibrator, and reaching orgasm thru oral sex..
    Sounds to me like you're not as shy as you think you are.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 9:17 PM on Oct. 29, 2013

  • I'm so sorry. Sex should be one of the most special experiences that you share with your husband.. Don't let the men who raped and molested you take the chance to have a wonderful sex life with your husband away. Don't give them that power. Don't let them take that from your husband either. I hope that you can find a good counselor. One that can help you as an individual, and one that can give you couple counseling. I also suggest finding a support group for people who have had similar experiences.

    Good luck mama, and hang in there, you can get your power back.
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 9:18 PM on Oct. 29, 2013

  • butterflyblue19: I never said I was shy, I just said I was uncomfortable about talking with sex to my husband, it's so much easier to talk about it to strangers who don't know me and can't see me. As for the rape and everything else, why should I be ashamed and try to hide it, I didn't know what was going on at the time as I was just a child, and by the way I'm new to this site and still haven't figured everything out, what a way to welcome in a new member.
    butterfly_4_7

    Comment by butterfly_4_7 (original poster) at 9:28 PM on Oct. 29, 2013

  • Excuse me,I didn't call you anything,PGA did
    And she's right
    butterflyblue19

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 9:30 PM on Oct. 29, 2013

  • have you gone to counseling for any of this?
    maybe that would help
    charlotsomtimes

    Answer by charlotsomtimes at 9:34 PM on Oct. 29, 2013

  • Oh I'm sorry butterfly, I'm still trying to learn how everything goes on this site, and when I was a teenager I went to counseling but it didn't help resolve anything.
    butterfly_4_7

    Comment by butterfly_4_7 (original poster) at 9:43 PM on Oct. 29, 2013

  • Well maybe you should go again to learn how to handle your feelings as an adult in an adult relationship.
    And since you're new, I'll introduce myself- I'm Answer's sex and intimacy go-to. Take my advice or leave it, but you obviously want change or you wouldn't have posted.
    And, regarding your comment "it's so much easier to talk about it to strangers who don't know me and can't see me.": You're not as invisible here as you think. I already know how many kids you have, where you live, and that you classify your life as "sad and tragic" It wouldn't be hard to find out who you really are.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 9:54 PM on Oct. 29, 2013

  • I like the screen name that you picked. Maybe it means that you are through your caterpillar stage, and ready to break free of the cocoon and become the beautiful butterfly you're meant to be. Your story is sad, but you don't have to let that sadness rule the rest of your life. It sounds like your husband has been very patient and wants to please you, and he and your children deserve a whole complete person as a wife and mother.

    Now you need to decide what you want for your life and take control. There will always be things out of your control. I don't think anyone's life goes untouched by challenges and difficulties. Yours have been pretty heavy duty, and you may need a lot of help to deal with them, but if you let your husband in, and find some good help it can get better. I truly believe that.
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 10:56 PM on Oct. 29, 2013

  • If you can find one, go to a sex therapist, either alone or with your husband. They're not like Dr. Ruth. My SO and I visited one for a short time, and she was able to help us talk through some difficult issues. Also, like Ohwrite sad, don't give the sons of bitches who hurt you any more power in your life. They stole something sacred from you. Take it back. Please seek counseling now, as an adult. It doesn't hav to be a bunch of psychoanalysis gibberish, either. There are practical therapists out there who help you change your ways of thinking, deal with panic and flashbacks, and recognize when you're slipping back into old behavior patterns.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:58 PM on Oct. 29, 2013

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