Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

2 Bumps

Sex before marriage?

I've obviously had sex, due to the fact that I have 2 beautiful children.
ALTHOUGH i'm in a little bind today.
My 21 year daughter came up to me yesterday and made a great point.. one that I would like to get all the "moms" advice for.

Daughter: "Mom, do you believe in monogamy?"
Me: "Yes, with the right person and the right time.."
Daughter: "Why should I remain a virgin until marriage? What if I don't have sex with anyone but my husband.. then want to try someone else? Do you really feel one person should only be with one person forever?
Me: "Obviously, you should never cheat on your husband.. you'll regret it for life. Don't get married if you can't commit."
Daughter: "But don't you think it's better for me to just try one or two people.. then get married? That way, the second I meet my husband and we do it, he'll be the last?"
Me: *Puzzled* "Let me get back with you on that one, honey."

What do you ladies think? Opinions from mothers in the world. My parents were very old fashioned and back in the day, things were so different. What do you think? (You can include your morals if you'd like)

ALL OPINIONS, NO JUDGEMENT

As crazy as it sounds, I sort of think she makes a good point. Should one person be entitled to only on person their whole life? Is it better if she plays the field now, rather than after she ties the knot?

Thank you!!!

Answer Question
 
Miszross

Asked by Miszross at 11:10 AM on Nov. 1, 2013 in Relationships

Level 10 (118 Credits)
Answers (15)
  • well monogamy isn't the same thing as waiting until marriage. you can be involved in monogamous relationships before you get married. but i don't think people should "try" sex with other people before they get married just to try it. i think we should just live life and if the right person comes along, great. what if the first person she sleeps with is the right guy for her, she won't marry him until she bones a few other men?
    tnm786

    Answer by tnm786 at 11:15 AM on Nov. 1, 2013

  • I think that sexual compatibility is something you need to be sure of before tying the knot. There are way too many mismatched and unhappy couple out there. Sex is one of the important subjects you need to be on the same page about just like money, children etc.

    I had sex before marriage. When I met my life partner I knew it was him - not just for the sex but for the whole package. He was perfect for me. It's been 30 years since then ... and I still love him just as much.
    goldpandora

    Answer by goldpandora at 11:15 AM on Nov. 1, 2013

  • Whatt if? What if? What if you get hit by a bus. If you have questions like this then you are not old enough to have sex or get married. Grow up first. That's what I would say.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:23 AM on Nov. 1, 2013

  • Anonymous- I don't feel she's asking these questions because she isn't ready?I think these questions are very mature and normal.
    Miszross

    Comment by Miszross (original poster) at 11:24 AM on Nov. 1, 2013

  • Take marriage out of it, I would tell her that if she feels like she is in a relationship that is strong, and she takes precautions to not get an STD, or pregnant, you trust her enough to decide if she wants to have sex or not.
    Sex is great, but only part of a good relationship, my husband isn't the best lover I have ever been with, but he is the best man I have ever been with, and lust wouldn't make me cheat or leave him. I doubt we will be knocking boots when we are 80, but we will still be best friends.
    2kids2dogs2cats

    Answer by 2kids2dogs2cats at 11:28 AM on Nov. 1, 2013

  • What if you have sex with someone and they are amazing in bed but not so great out of bed, guy #2 is okay in bed but now that you have #1 guy to compare him to he isn't so great sexually but he's perfect for you in every other way. If you hadn't slept with the first guy, you would be perfectly happy with guy #2. My ex was my first and only until our divorce. I was perfectly happy with our sex life but only now that I've been with multiple guys do I know he was only average.
    I also think once you add sex into a relationship it can cloud feelings and cause you to overlook character traits you might see otherwise. If you are happy with the person you marry, you won't wonder what sex with other people is like.
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 11:34 AM on Nov. 1, 2013

  • I've been with 2 men my entire life. My ex & current husband. My ex & I had sex before marriage & have regreted it all my life. It totally went against my beliefs but I let him pressure me into it. With my current we waited & I feel such a sense of love from him because he respected me enough not to pressure me to have sex before marriage. I would encourage anyone to wait until marriage regardless of your beliefs. A man/woman that is willing to wait for one special person in their lives is worth everything. It says that you wanted someone to value you on who you are and not compare you to the others who came before.

    To say you should try just a couple to make sure/compare is screwy. To me that's like saying you should try being drunk just a couple of times so you don't regret it later that you never were drunk. Or getting high just to see what it's like. You don't have to compare anything but be happy with who you love.
    baconbits

    Answer by baconbits at 11:48 AM on Nov. 1, 2013

  • I feel that sex is the most personal sharing that two people can do. It should not be a casual thing it should involve a long term commitment. I do not believe in sex before marriage. I do not think it is necessarily "wrong" I simply think it is too special to share with anyone except the person you are marrying. I am old fashioned.

    She does have a point but
    if you are going to be with "John" for your whole life (marriage) but you have slept with "Bill" and "Joe" and "Tom" you are setting yourself up to fantacize and be dissatisfied with "John"
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 1:32 PM on Nov. 1, 2013

  • imo theres a difference between being in a serious relationship and having sex, and having sex with any random dude who comes across your path. im assuming since your DD is asking this she's still a virgin, and at 21 she's getting a lot of messages that she's a rarity. she's trying to justify having sex, and imo her logic is flawed. if she were to go into a marital relationship worried about cheating, somethings wrong with the relationship. theres better ways to justify having sex haha.

    oh and i wasnt a virgin when i got married, DH and i had been doing it for years and i had another guy before that that i was secretly engaged to.
    okmanders

    Answer by okmanders at 1:47 PM on Nov. 1, 2013

  • I believe in shopping around, get some experience.  But be carefull about it.

    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 2:01 PM on Nov. 1, 2013

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.