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How do I deal with my boyfriends name calling?

This might be long, but i will make it as short as possible.. my boyfriend have been together for 6 years and have a 3 y/o and 3 month old and his mother passed 1 month ago very suddenly and without meeting our second daughter (we live 4000 miles away from her) anyways me and her never got a long (lots of arguments and she even got physical with me before) well since she passed....he has been channeling all his anger toward me calling me names, saying im not there for him, he even went as far as blaming me for his moms death :/ (she died of a heart attack) but then after awhile he acts normal, we have had our problems but nuthing this abusive, I am leaving for a month to go visit family for the holidays because i cant deal with it anymore....but im debating should i leave him...or what? any advice would be good! is this normal after losing someone?

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akashe

Asked by akashe at 1:34 PM on Nov. 2, 2013 in Relationships

Level 4 (35 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • grief anger is normal, but that doesnt mean you should be the one on the receiving end. it may do some good for him to have some time to himself to really think about everything without having you to pick on. when he is calm and normal mention that you dont like being called names and that it really hurts. acknowledge his pain, tell him you want to help but dont know how, and leave it at that.

    if he is being abusive enough that its making you fearful for your future together, then you should leave.
    okmanders

    Answer by okmanders at 1:52 PM on Nov. 2, 2013

  • While you are apart for that month do some serious soul searching. No one says you have to return home.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 2:05 PM on Nov. 2, 2013

  • He needs some counseling. Losing a loved one is difficult and people handle their stress and greif in different ways, that said - you should not be blamed for something that is well beyond your control. His thinking is unreasonable and he's going to push you further away with his hurtful words. He needs to learn how to express his grief in acceptable ways, not by being unreasonable and hurtful to you or anyone else for that matter.


    Honestly, I would demand that he gets grief counseling before I would expose myself or my kids to that kind of behavior again. Your children will learn by his example if you don't deal with this right now.

    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 2:12 PM on Nov. 2, 2013

  • It sounds as though h is not dealing with his grief. Many people do not know that they have to go through the different stages to heal. One of them is blame. He may want to talk to a counselor to help him give himself permission to grieve for her.
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 3:28 PM on Nov. 2, 2013

  • You need to inform him you are not going to put up with his BS, name calling . Just because he is grieving. He doesn't get to treat you like shit.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 4:19 PM on Nov. 2, 2013

  • I think getting help is important. What is happening in him matters. I mean, the behavior is emotionally driven & that matters or is important--the behavior signals how much need there is for help & resolution. BUT, the behavior is an ISSUE & an important one!
    To me, getting help & support would be the compassionate response & a constructive response to something destructive & dysfunctional. It's a good time to secure marriage/relationship counseling because the issue at hand is HOW you both handle or manage your feelings under stress, and how you communicate. For you, it's how you negotiate this situation & respond to it, how you honor your personal limits & communicate them to your partner. For him, it's how he manages & "metabolizes" his feelings as they are triggered in relation to you, or other frustrations in his daily life, and how he expresses his emotions. GREAT to express feelings. Important to do so constructively!
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 6:00 PM on Nov. 2, 2013

  • Your husband's grief and rage is understandable, but the way he s expressing it is not okay. I would tell him so if I were you. Encourage him to get help, and even look up resources for him. But don't let him drag you down. Walk out on a conversation when he starts verbally abusing you like that.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 6:07 PM on Nov. 2, 2013

  • My husband lost his mother about a month ago too. He seemed to be handling it well and then recently he had a huge, very sudden panic attack over it and a ton of emotions came flying out at once. No name calling, put downs, or blame towards me but there were some words that, had this not been about his mother's death, I probably would've taken very personally and very offensively. I did have to walk away when he refused to act like I was really only trying to listen and to help, and it took some strength not turn the situation into me and how I was feeling, cuz the whole thing really did have me scared and confused. Later he realized he went a bit too far and apologized. I told him while I can't imagine what he feels, I am here to do anything he needs me to do, but I won't stand for being the brunt of anything he feels he can say, no matter what he's going thru. He agreed. Therapy will be an ultimatum if it ever happens again
    maecntpntz219

    Answer by maecntpntz219 at 5:30 AM on Nov. 3, 2013

  • anger is normal
    smiley745

    Answer by smiley745 at 3:33 PM on Nov. 3, 2013

  • damn I just got out of an abusive relationship myself but see we did not have kids together. i think its smart you leave for a month then I'd say come back and see if he's less abusive towards you. I doubt he will be because a month is not that long to get over loss of a mother. The reason my boyfriend was abusive was because he lost his KIDS to the mom and he will be angry about it for a long time. I saw it affect him for 3 months until I decided to bounce because if we were married that'd be different, but I didnt need the baggage/abuse. Neither do you. So I suggest you not even come back after a month, make it longer, maybe six months and have a long distance relationship, or break up and if your love is destined you two will come back. I personally wouldnt break up right away, or at all neccessarily. Ideally physical distance is what u need so that when you do talk on the phone his words will probably be more like I miss u
    lullaby572

    Answer by lullaby572 at 12:05 PM on Nov. 7, 2013

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