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9 year old daughter says...

you ate so gay
that is so gay
I keep telling her to stop...am I doing the right thing or is this a phase?

 
girliemom0406

Asked by girliemom0406 at 10:31 AM on Nov. 5, 2013 in Tweens (9-12)

Level 24 (18,769 Credits)
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Answers (9)
  • It could be something she's hearing from her friends.

    Yes, keep telling her to stop, and put some form of punishment around it, like she loses an hour of tv/videos/etc each time you hear it.
    anng.atlanta

    Answer by anng.atlanta at 10:38 AM on Nov. 5, 2013

  • I don't consider this a 'phase' exactly. But I'm sure she hears it on a regular basis from kids at school or somewhere for her to have picked it up and thought of it as merely saying, that's dumb or something of the like. I don't know your opinions on gay people but in my house we sat my 13 year old down and told him that love is love and we told him the effects of using that phrase, what it really meant, and how it could affect people or his own reputation. We have a gay couple in the family and I referenced them for him to understand that he is putting them down. He didn't get it until I explained it and no longer uses it. We also had the same type of talk when the phrase, 'that's retarded' started being dropped.
    WhyPiggy

    Answer by WhyPiggy at 10:38 AM on Nov. 5, 2013

  • Have you tried explaining WHY she shouldn't say those things?
    or have you just told her to stop

    she probably hears it at school- and you can't stop her from hearing all kinds of...lovely things there, but you CAN help her understand why those things are not nice to say
    charlotsomtimes

    Answer by charlotsomtimes at 11:54 AM on Nov. 5, 2013

  • It's probably a phase but you are doing the right thing by telling her to stop.

    If my kids were doing that I would ask them what is so "gay" about whatever they were saying was gay. I would take up their time and make them explain and they would likely get bored of my demands on their time and stop on their own.
    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 10:33 AM on Nov. 5, 2013

  • I wouldn't allow this in my home. Why is she continuing to say it after you tell her to stop? Are there no consequences?
    Daigen

    Answer by Daigen at 10:34 AM on Nov. 5, 2013

  • I think instead of just telling her to "stop" I would try to understand the situation accurately, and grasp her point of view or perspective.

    It's something you understandably don't want to hear. But it's happening, so best to respond TO it, rather than simply pushing AGAINST it. Recognizing that it's happening for a reason, and that it very likely means something different to her than to you (and that it also expresses something about her situation) can be helpful when the words your child is using are particularly upsetting or troublesome to you.

    Relying on "consequences" to extinguish the behavior ignores the fact that it's happening for a reason & that the reason needs to be addressed (the behavior signals a need for help, resolution.) I would notice what she's expressing at these times (likely that something is stupid/annoying), and acknowledge the feeling with different words that convey the scorn or judgment.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 10:55 AM on Nov. 5, 2013

  • I agree with others who've pointed out that she's likely hearing it somewhere. My guess is that it is a go-to put down for one or more kids in her life.
    There's an "energy" or emotional heat to words used as weapons. The child using them might be on the receiving end of the same words (from an older sibling, for instance), and then spouting them off at school/in the neighborhood, where yours hears it. Kids will tend to use whatever left them feeling confused, uncomfortable, or hurt. This is true whether they've been the direct target of the words, or just a witness to them used on someone else. If it troubled them at all, chances are they'll use it on someone else, or in another situation, where THEY get to be dismissive. (It's the way children use play to resolve issues...they're trying for mastery. Being exposed to disparaging words creates feelings that need resolution & kids will try to "master" those by feeling powerful.)
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 11:06 AM on Nov. 5, 2013

  • She learned a new word, and she's using it. She doesn't realize the impact behind it.
    Would you let her prance around calling people the N word?
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 12:00 PM on Nov. 5, 2013

  • Have you given her more appropriate words to express her feelings? Stop the conversation and make her choose less ofensive words, every single time.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 12:38 PM on Nov. 5, 2013

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