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Why does my step son hate me so much??

My stepson has been raised by his father only since he was less than 6 months old. his mother started using drugs the dad kicked her out and she began prostituting to feed her habit. She never sends money for her child and rarely will send a small birthday gift. Now she calls and texts all the time and he sees her on the weekends when she has time for him. He is 12 about to be 13 and I am a 24 year old that has been with his dad for a year and a half. Obviously he knows I did not break his parents up so it is not that.. I dont try and discipline him, I never yell at him, I tell him I am not trying to be his mom and to see me as an older sister since I'm so young. Ive taken him to school, bought him all kinds of things he needed, I cook for him, I look after him, and if a problem arises I speak to his dad privately and let him handle it. i never overstep but recently I found out he secretly hates me. Why?

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WarriorQueen

Asked by WarriorQueen at 1:32 PM on Nov. 6, 2013 in Teens (13-17)

Level 2 (5 Credits)
Answers (9)
  • What makes you think he hates you?

    Are you the first relationship Dad has had since Mom? Might jus the that this youngster is jealous of someone else taking Dad's time.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 1:44 PM on Nov. 6, 2013

  • My guess is that he doesn't really hate you. He just hates that you aren't his mother. This is an awful age for kids anyways, I'm sure that in a few years he will mellow out.
    slw123

    Answer by slw123 at 1:45 PM on Nov. 6, 2013

  • 12 year old boys and girls are fickle, I doubt he hates you, it might make him sad that you do all the things for him that his own mother didn't. Have no worries, when he is older he will value you.
    For the record, my 12 year old hates me sometimes! It is just something they do (hormones don't you know)!
    2kids2dogs2cats

    Answer by 2kids2dogs2cats at 1:48 PM on Nov. 6, 2013

  • Kids project. There can be a lot of angst at this age, a lot of second-guessing & self-doubt, and it can be hard to contain those feelings. Directing the harsh self-critical, self-doubting/hating feelings toward an external target is a self-protective default! It's not conscious; it just happens. It's a part of immaturity. It's the same thing that functions in adults when our "bad day" or feelings of frustration around certain circumstances color our interactions with others: "taking it out on" someone else because you're stressed or upset.
    Try to make space for the feelings he has, including feelings of hatred or resentment. If you don't take them personally you won't look at the "tally" of all you do for him, and all that you're NOT guilty of, as if his feelings are a direct result of all that. Try to notice any beliefs you hold about how he "should" or "should not" feel based on how you behave, and question those "shoulds."
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 2:29 PM on Nov. 6, 2013

  • he probably has a lot of issues stemming from his mom basically choosing drugs over him. maybe he doesnt hate you, but rather hates that he loves you more than his mom, or hates that you care for him more than his mom does? maybe mom is filling his head with awful things when she does see him? maybe he see's how easy it was for you to care for him, and wonders why his mom couldnt do those things? 12/13 is tough...sometimes its easier to say you hate someone, then deal with the complex emotions surrounding them.

    or he could just want his dad all to himself. or he thinks hes supposed to hate you...i mean evil step mom is a pretty common character. really, it could be anything or nothing. who told you he hates you?
    okmanders

    Answer by okmanders at 2:33 PM on Nov. 6, 2013

  • It might just be the female figure he has psychological issues with because of what happened with his mother. Just keep being there for him.
    staciandababy

    Answer by staciandababy at 3:06 PM on Nov. 6, 2013

  • Me and my DH got together when my oldest was 10yo. She never gave him a chance. Hated him from day one. I found out much later. I think it probably is a teen thing. And a mother thing. His mom is in his life now. He has split feeling.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 3:55 PM on Nov. 6, 2013

  • I'm guessing he doesn't hate you. Him "secretly" hating you sounds like hearsay around some moody moment he had. He's a teen. They are awkward and difficult and tend to try to shred anyone that cares for them. Rest assured if he sincerely hated you, you would know every moment of every day. Hang in there. Step parenting is not easy, but it can be rewarding.
    tessiedawg

    Answer by tessiedawg at 5:10 PM on Nov. 6, 2013

  • Just keep showing him consistent love and support. ( and humor) Learning to laugh is one of the greatest gifts we can give to children.

    My daughter absolutely HATED my boyfriend for a few years. Time has passed and they have a better relationship than any bio dad and daughter I know.

    He will thank you some day, just not right now. Hugs !!
    LeJane

    Answer by LeJane at 11:15 PM on Nov. 6, 2013

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