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Does anyone else's SO do this?

When my fiance gets frustrated at outside things (as in outside of our relationship - work, traffic, etc) he seems to take it out on me. He's quick to snap at me, and seems quite angry. When I remind him that whatever is wrong isn't my fault, and he doesn't have to get mad at me, he doesn't even seem to realize he's doing it! Occassionally he'll realize later that he was grumpy with me and he'll apologize, but it's really starting to get on my nerves when he doesn't. Things are quite stressful at the moment (Christmas is right around the corner, money is tight, we just got a new cat who isn't meshing well with our other cat, etc, etc, etc) so the grouchiness is becoming a lot more frequent than it's ever been in our relationship before.

I'll admit that I'm rather quick to lose my patience with him when I'm grumpy with something other than us, but I don't think I ever treat him like it's his fault - I'm more the type who will either rant to him even if he's not really listening, or I'm just quicker to get annoyed with him if he does frustrate me while I"m already grumpy.

Does anyone else's spouse do this? Are you able to get them to realize they're doing it?

PS: I'll also add that I love him very much, so hopefully no one will jump to any conclusions about us having a shitty relationship. This is probably my biggest (if not only) frustration with my future husband, and I consider myself very lucky in that aspect!

 
AdensMama0308

Asked by AdensMama0308 at 4:41 PM on Nov. 8, 2013 in Relationships

Level 24 (18,609 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (9)
  • As not fair as it is, we tend to take out our frustrations on our nearest and dearest.

    I suggest finding a time when you're both calm and relaxed and talking about this. Let him know that you're noticing him being grumpier and grumpier at home. Suggest he do something after work to help him relieve some of his work/daily stress before he comes home.

    And, yes, there are days where my husband gets grumpy at me and the kids because he's had some extra stress at work.
    Rosehawk

    Answer by Rosehawk at 4:54 PM on Nov. 8, 2013

  • Sure occasionally. But when it does happen I nip it in the bud ASAP. I may wait until he cools off for a few hours but then I make it clear that his behavior is unacceptable & now I am pissed off. We've been married 21 years & it may happen once a year at most. I suggest you do the same. Let him cool off then make it clear what an ass he is when he acts like that & to be aware that it's unacceptable to you.
    ILovemyPaulie

    Answer by ILovemyPaulie at 5:01 PM on Nov. 8, 2013

  • Not typically. If it happened fairly regularly or often (whenever things were more stressful than usual, or whenever everything was adding up) it'd signal a problem to me because it would suggest that his coping skills get taxed regularly. Not good!! I want us to be able to handle our regular low grade stresses, and even absorb more intense ones, without resorting to "taking things out on" each other.
    This doesn't mean stuffing the feelings, instead (which isn't healthy & can lead to actual physical illness over time!), but learning the kind of communication practices that allow "clean" interactions when frustrated, angry, or critical. When I'm stressed (about other things) I can easily feel more angry AT my partner, or angry/irritated about things that happen between us/at home, so being able to communicate THAT negativity in healthy, constructive ways is what helps our interactions not be destructive, even under stress.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 6:27 PM on Nov. 8, 2013

  • Mine does. We've gotten in a few arguments over it. Now he starts in, and all I have to say is, "Wow, I have a lot of power, don't I? Did I pan that just to piss you off?" He usually laughs and it lightens the mood.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 5:08 PM on Nov. 8, 2013

  • No. My husband has total respect for me. If he needs to vent,he does it WITH me,not AT me
    butterflyblue19

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 5:22 PM on Nov. 8, 2013

  • I think we both do. It's not purposeful, but if I had a shitty day and he says something that may have been innocent but I take it the wron way. It goes both ways especially when he is on night shift.
    AF4life

    Answer by AF4life at 5:57 PM on Nov. 8, 2013

  • But it hasn't always been that way. Not that he would treat me badly when he was feeling stressed, but that I tended to "cope" that way when taxed. It was a problem & I took it seriously. We had a significant amount of stress in our lives (the sudden death of a parent who was living with us, health issues with my partner who was diagnosed with cancer, finding out that we were expecting twins not a singleton, etc.) so it was only at a relatively "high" level of stress that the cracks were showing, but they WERE showing!

    That cat-type situation that you mentioned would be one to trigger my irritation & hostility, because it raises feelings of helplessness & I did NOT handle those well! Probably anything that challenges your fiance's self-image/competence triggers him to direct anger, blame or irritation outward onto others/situations. (It's a defense.) Learning a better way to relate to my challenging feelings helped me stop.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 6:39 PM on Nov. 8, 2013

  • I do not put up with my DH of 24 years. Acting shitty to me, and it is not about me. I just tell him.

    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 7:51 PM on Nov. 8, 2013

  • It happens. I just have to stop and ask him what's REALLY bothering him, because I'm just standing here doing the dishes or whatever, so I know it's not ME that you are pissing and moaning about....
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 11:48 PM on Nov. 8, 2013