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Problems with almost 21 year old Stepson still living at home!

This is my last resort ..I hope someone reads this and gives me some good advice! We moved 2 years ago from MI to Ga job reasons ! We have 3 kids together 2 are mine ( 19 and 21 but they are not at home ) living on their own wanting to take responsibility for themselves ! My Stepson moved here 1 year ago and his dad got him a fulltime job where he works and he is enrolled also to the tech college here in Ga .He does not help with anything like maybe buying some food or rent . I was told that he would only be here for 2 years and now it turned into 4 years..??? he is a slob and really good in making me look bad all the time when I finally break down and tell him to clean up after himself talked to my husband and told him to take care of it because I don't want to look like the bitching Stepmom all the time: All I get told : I tell him, he is a special circumstance and he will do it??? Just to find out he is doing it again?

Martina L.

Asked by Martina L. at 2:22 PM on Nov. 10, 2013 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 1 (2 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (10)
  • It sounds like you were saying "the plan" has changed from 2 to 4 years? Not that he's BEEN there with you 4 years already (he just came a year ago, right?) but that instead of moving out a year from now the plan is for him to move out two years after that.
    Dad can only "lay down the law" if there is mutual agreement or consensus about the terms. In this situation I would focus on identifying your issues with things as they are. I would avoid trying to justify my position by building a case as to how his behaviors are (for instance) irresponsible, disrespectful, unreasonable; I would focus on identifying HOW IT IMPACTS ME & what I desire instead.
    Communicate with your husband about the specific issues & do some solution-focused thinking together. Rather than him buying "some of the food," if he frequently eats meals with you it might make sense to charge him an amount in room & board that could go toward your grocery expenses.

    Answer by girlwithC at 9:10 AM on Nov. 11, 2013

  • The only thing you can do is tell Dad he must fix it or you're gone. DAD has to deal with it. If Dad doesn't, then consider how you feel about having the stepson there forever because it's sounding like that is just what will happen.

    Answer by gdiamante at 2:27 PM on Nov. 10, 2013

  • you said he moved there a year ago and then you say its 4 years
    get your shit straight and come back

    Answer by luvmygrandgirl at 2:33 PM on Nov. 10, 2013

  • He's a college student... living away from where he grew up. Maybe it's hard for him too.

    Answer by Crafty26 at 2:33 PM on Nov. 10, 2013

  • I can see him needing a place to stay but I can't see him being a slob... I'd tell dad to put an end to that or you're throwing everything out ifyyou have to pick it up again!!

    Answer by Nimue930 at 3:13 PM on Nov. 10, 2013

  • Dad needs to lay down the law as to a time limit, rent while he's there, contributing to his own food & cleaning up/chores. There's no reason someone his age can't do those things & letting him slide is doing him no favors. As to him not going out, since the move, has he made many friends? Do you have a lock on your bedroom door? Even if the stepson won't get a social life, it doesn't mean you & hubby can't have one of your own. Make plans to go out, or lock your door & stay in.

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 3:37 PM on Nov. 10, 2013

  • also he is always home even on the weekend no time alone with my husband would think a 21 year old would do something instead of allways sitting at home with mom and dad.....I start to hate it in my own home and just so sick of Dad allways making excuses for him....
    Martina L.

    Comment by Martina L. (original poster) at 2:26 PM on Nov. 10, 2013

  • It has been 4 years and you are still there. I would just leave him alone and he will leave you alone. Eventually someone will want to move on.

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 2:29 PM on Nov. 10, 2013

  • We always said that our kids were allowed to stay in our home as long as they were going to school and single.
    Today's job market is not that great but you say his dad has gotten him a job. Great. Get yourself some Rubbermaid containers and dump his clothes/ mess into it and put it in his room. Do not clean it. Period. Tell your husband that you would like some alone time with just him and ask him to encourage his son to go to a movie or something. The son may not mingle well with others and may not have any friends to hang out with.
    I may be reading into this but it sounds like your children had the benefits of being with you and your husband until they went out on their own.
    It sounds as though his son did not have that advantage.

    Answer by Dardenella at 2:33 PM on Nov. 10, 2013

  • I'm curious why he's a special case? Can he afford an apartment? If he can and isn't paying off loans, I'd find him an apartment and move him in if your husband can agree. Four years? So from 18 to 21 he's been with you? Why doesn't he have friends? There is more to this....but hating him isn't going to help either of you. I agree about this job market being tough and his being in a new town. Perhaps he's confided in his dad and not you?

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 3:17 PM on Nov. 10, 2013