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Where do I go from here?

So this may be a little loaded of a first post but I'm not ready to bring my feelings to real life by talking about friends yet.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half now, although we've had a pretty rocky start. We have gained stability but then I did the unthinkable and slept with someone else, a little before we found out that I was pregnant. I am currently 3 1/2 weeks from my due date.

He still wanted to be with me, said he wants me and wants this baby. And for the first couple of months it seemed that way. Like we were moving forward.

He stated that he wanted to be as involve as possible in keeping up with the pregnancy and wanted to make it to all of my appointments with me to support me. He wasn't able to make the first few due to work but then he just didn't go when he did have time a few months later. He still has yet to meet my doctor.

Five months ago our sex life started to dwindle. It went from 3-5 times a week to 1-2 weeks. As of today it has been twelve days since we've had sex, with little indication of anything happening soon.

He doesn't even look in my direction anymore. Every time I try to connect and talk with him he's always looking at his computer, his phone, anywhere but at me. He never compliments me on how I look or even acknowledge how I look unless it's to tell me not to wear makeup (he's never liked the way I look with makeup on) yet every time we drive by some girl he has to make a comment about her butt cheeks or some other area of her anatomy. Being 8+ months pregnant not getting sex, but hearing how beautiful other girls are is extremely hurtful to me.

And now I'm at a point where I'm close to delivering and I still have a lot to do, some of which I would like and need his help with (things like writing a birthing plan getting stuff packed, and having a plan ready in case he's at work or I'm at work when it's go time. He doesn't seem to want to take time to do this.

For the last few weeks he has gone to a bar every night after work for a couple of drinks and to hang out. He doesn't show any interest in spending time with me, kisses me once or twice a day, doesn't cuddle me in bed (we're normally very touch oriented when we sleep) and seldom talks to me. I have never felt so alone. I feel less like we're having a baby and more like I'm having a baby with him here to watch in the meantime. I don't even know if we're in a relationship anymore in spite of him wanting to kiss me goodbye and him saying I love you when I leave the house. I've even moved a mattress into the baby's room to sleep elsewhere so I don't feel like I'm sharing a bed with a stranger. I want to leave but with me about ready to take 2+ months off work I can't really afford to get a new place. What should I do? I've tried talking to him but he won't take his eyes off of his computer. Help!

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 2:54 AM on Nov. 12, 2013 in Relationships

Answers (13)
  • listen to your conscience.. do what it says..


    Answer by dana123321 at 5:29 AM on Nov. 12, 2013

  • You need to have an honest conversation with him about where he sees this relationship going. I honestly believe that if he told me it was over, I would give serious consideration to putting this baby up for adoption. If he shows interest in making this work, you all need to go immediately for some good solid counseling. You can get it for free through many churches. I don't know where you live, but I could even find one to refer. If you try to parent this baby alone on the heels of severe emotional trauma of a break-up, it will affect your baby for years to come. I see it all the time. You may even be able to select the family of adoption, but you need to move quickly because you don't have much time. Talk to him today and make it all about your baby and what is best for it. I pray he chooses you and the child. If he doesn't, now is the time to know that.

    Answer by NannyB. at 7:11 AM on Nov. 12, 2013

  • DO NOT listen to NannyB. You can raise a child after a break up - there are plenty of single parents who do just fine. Her antiquated views are fine for her, but please do not listen to her. Don't give your child up unless that's really what YOU want to do - and it doesn't sound like you do.

    Have you told him how you're feeling? If not, that's the place to start. He can't tell you you're right or wrong if he doesn't know how you feel. If you're right that he doesn't really want to be involved, you need to know that so you can make a plan to move on without him. If you're wrong and he wants to make this work, then some counseling is definitely needed.

    Answer by wendythewriter at 7:28 AM on Nov. 12, 2013

  • So, does he believe this child is not his? Sounds like it to me.. Or he can't get past the cheating you did?

    Answer by louise2 at 8:25 AM on Nov. 12, 2013

  • You say that you can't afford to find a place on your own, then find a roommate or make other arrangements. To stay with him because he provides a place for you to live isn't a wise choice and will only lead to resentment.

    Answer by Bmat at 8:25 AM on Nov. 12, 2013

  • 3 1/2 weeks to baby is very quick
    SOME men act like assholes when baby is about to be born
    they act like frightened little idiots and pull away
    this COULD be his issue and he comes around, BUT, it is a very bad sign of what is to come

    just considerate on yourself and your baby
    if he is just ignoring and not abusing, you have to time to get your stuff together, make a plan and move on with your life

    certainly when baby is born, you will know the way he acts if he is invested in this family
    good luck
    and if he continues this way- you can certainly be a single parent and be 100% fine, and your child will be too

    Answer by fiatpax at 8:49 AM on Nov. 12, 2013

  • There's the question...what Louise2 said. Does he believe this child is his? Is he having doubts.

    It sounds like he didn't get to work through his hurt over what you had done before he found out you were pregnant. Very unfair timing for him. He loves you, he's hurt, you may be having his baby and he has to deal with all of that without hurting you back because you're pregnant and it could be his. He never got to have his true feelings, and it sounds like he's now taking it out passive aggressively.

    The biggest thing I can say is counseling for both of you. Then you do need to decide what you're going to do. You may need a dna test for him to have the right to decide if he wants to be in your life.

    I honestly don't think it's fair to blame him for this.

    Answer by ohwrite at 9:14 AM on Nov. 12, 2013

  • My first piece of advise is that if you do not know FOR SURE that the child is his, do not let him sign the BC. Have a DNA test done first to determine paternity.

    That all said, very rarely will a relationship keep the spark it had in the beginning.  It takes about a year and a half to two years to lose the spark and to stop getting butterflies all the time.  You end up settling into your relationship and having it grow.  I think people in general love the feeling of being in love (that spark and the butterflies), but it's unrealistic to expect that all the time.  Relationships evolve.  Now, that's not to say that it's okay for him to say other women look good or to stay out all night.  You need to communicate with him that those are not acceptable and how it hurts you and the relationship.  Communication is key.


    Answer by QuinnMae at 9:51 AM on Nov. 12, 2013

  • You fucked up.
    The bigger your belly gets, he's wondering if it's even his!
    He is hurt and resentful.
    I would plan to raise this child ALONE.
    Get DNA done, and have the courts handle the rest from there.

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 11:35 AM on Nov. 12, 2013

  • I agree with PGA. You messed up in the most hurtful way (to your relationship) you could. He is doing his best to support you through this pregnancy. He does not know it is his and he probably doubts it He has no reason to trust you and from what I am hearing all you are focused on is you and not on trying to repair the trust that YOU broke. .I would ask him to attend counseling with you, IF you want to try to save this marriage.

    Answer by Dardenella at 12:45 PM on Nov. 12, 2013

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