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I have two steps sons, 18 and 20. The younger one recently wrote on whatsapp status that 'he hates me'. What do I do? IHow do I continue living with him? I do like them

I have been with their father since 2001, but got married in 2010. My husband brought them up single handedly when their mother left him for another man. We were not living together but I used to visit, and everything was fine. What I noticed very early in our relationship is that my husband used to give them everything they wanted. He does not make a lot of money though. Now that they are older, their 'toys' are more expensive. The reason why the boy wrote that is because I refused to buy him an expensive phone worth thousands of rands. I suggested a cheaper one. my husband cannot afford to buy these expensive items. The boys are still in high school, Grade 11. I am very hurt by the message. I always knew the boy doesn't love or like me. which is fine, but I think 'hate' is a very strong word. I have done things for him, and I am giving me allowance for airtime. I do buy him clothes if I see something nice when I am travelling. I have also given him money when he asked. But I am strict, and don't just give money if I it is not for a good reason. I do drive them to the movies and leave them there and give them money and then fetch them. So, I thought I was doing a pretty good job. How dumb is that? I actually feel stupid!

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Asked by gugu250 at 5:22 AM on Nov. 13, 2013 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 2 (11 Credits)
Answers (17)
  • Ignore it! It's a childish tantrum. Following a 18 yr old male on social media is bound to subject you to a lot of things you don't want to hear!

    Answer by Crafty26 at 5:57 AM on Nov. 13, 2013

  • It sounds as if he is spoiled and throwing a fit because he didn't get what he wanted. Please don't worry about what he said. Following him on social media is like reading his journal - not necessarily a bad idea, but you can't be surprised by what you find. It's his place to blow off steam.

    Now the question I have (but don't expect an answer) is this - why doesn't the 18 yo have a job so that he can buy his own expensive unnecessary phone? Just a thought.

    Answer by May-20 at 6:53 AM on Nov. 13, 2013

  • I've heard that if your child doesn't hate you every once in a while, then you aren't doing a good job. I've heard my own children tell me that they hate me.


    Answer by tempsingl3mom at 7:21 AM on Nov. 13, 2013

  • Where do you live where a 18 and 20 year old males are not grown adults and can get jobs to support the wants. My opinion is. Completely stop giving them things, tell them to go get a job. Here in the USA 18 year old should be at least in the 12th grade if not graduated. The 20 year old should be either in college or out on his own working for a living


    Answer by louise2 at 7:38 AM on Nov. 13, 2013

  • first its not up to you what their dad gives them, so if you stepped in and said where dad may have said yes then you overstepped, you are not mom. that is a conversation you and dad should have had behind closed doors and dad deliver the no.

    second, my birth child hates me often and my step child hates me constantly no big deal. I don't like them all the time either.

    Stay off his page if you don't want your feelings hurt.

    Asking how you can continue to live with him, well that is just as immature as his saying he hates you. you don't move out because a kid uses the hate word. Sounds like you have some growing up to do as well as the sons .

    Answer by luvmygrandgirl at 8:19 AM on Nov. 13, 2013

  • Don't worry about the angry words of a teenager. They get upset, they say things that they don't really mean, attaching any more meaning to it than that he was angry at you for something isn't useful or productive.

    Answer by SWasson at 8:32 AM on Nov. 13, 2013

  • He's 18. 18 year olds hate everyone.

    Answer by NotPanicking at 8:49 AM on Nov. 13, 2013

  • I disagree with luuvmygrandgirl you've been in his life since he was 6 years old and are the acting mother. You do have a right at this point to make some rules and decisions. My husband and I met just before my oldest son turned 5, and he has never called my son his 'step' child, and my son just thinks of him as his dad.

    It sounds to me like he's spoiled and acting like a typical teenager who is spoiled. He's old enough to have a job and pay for his own things at this point. Is he going to school? Does he have household responsibilities? At this age, if he hates you I think I would quit paying for things and being chauffeur. Continue being the same loving stepmother...and maybe mother, that you've always been, but tell him you're going to start treating him more like an adult.....who can stand on his own two feet.

    Big hugs and good luck mama.


    Answer by ohwrite at 9:00 AM on Nov. 13, 2013

  • she has only been in a step role for 3 years but that is neither here nor there. I have been a step for 12 and so has my husband but ultimately my daughter is my daughter and we discuss everything before making a decision, he would have never told her no to something with out saying lets dicuss with mom.

    Answer by luvmygrandgirl at 10:01 AM on Nov. 13, 2013

  • Why doesn't he have a part-time job to buy the things he wants?

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 12:43 PM on Nov. 13, 2013

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