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I have 3 grown sons. The oldest is 22 going to a university. The 21 yo is doing nothing but going out with his friends. and the 19 yo is also doing nothing also. The 2 younger ones still don't know

what they want to do. The 21 yo did go to a community college and had a job and then quit all of it. He's also smoking & drinking which I hate. He doesn't communicate to us or avoiding talking to us. The youngest one had a depression problem where he ended up for hospitalization. My husband says not to push him over the edge, but I want him to go to school or find work and get off the X-box! I need help my husband doesn't think it's a big deal.

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3dmomhammer

Asked by 3dmomhammer at 7:08 PM on Nov. 16, 2013 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 2 (10 Credits)
Answers (7)
  • If you are still supporting these grown men, then it's time to set some guidelines. Give them each a 30 day notice w/ your expectations spelled out for them. I would include language about counseling for the youngest. Don't give them spending money, so the 21 y/o can't afford to go out drinking & smoking unless he gets a job to pay for it himself. The longer you enable this lifestyle, the longer they will take advantage of it & prolong bettering themselves. GL
    mrsmom110

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 7:31 PM on Nov. 16, 2013

  • So what does your head tell you to do?
    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 7:35 PM on Nov. 16, 2013

  • Regarding the youngest one, I would encourage him to go to school or find a job, even a part-time job. What does he think about going to school?

    With our oldest son, we told him that as long as he was going to school, he could stay at home, so that's what he did.
    zboys

    Answer by zboys at 7:49 PM on Nov. 16, 2013

  • You both need to be on the same page. I would lose the xbiox and stop giving them the money to smoke and drink and do nothing. But this is not something you can do alone.
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 9:34 PM on Nov. 16, 2013

  • Who is financing this free for all at your house? Try closing your wallet. Things will change quickly.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 11:55 PM on Nov. 16, 2013

  • Focus on who/what you CAN control--yourself & your decisions. You can't & shouldn't force desired behaviors on your sons. I think your husband is right to want to avoid "pushing" your son. But that doesn't mean you have to enable him/them. You can make decisions about resources YOU own.

    Notice whenever you feel resentful, and recognize that feeling as a signal that you've been ignoring your personal limits OR assuming responsibility that doesn't belong to you.

    There's probably a lot of the latter in your situation, as it sounds like your sons may have grown up with you taking over responsibility & managing them ("making" things get done. Things like schoolwork, getting up on time, etc.) This means they have growing/maturing to do. It is not instant. You can't return personal responsibility to them & expect a smooth transition into responsible behavior. Don't yank back control when it becomes apparent that it's "not working"!
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 6:58 AM on Nov. 17, 2013

  • Get counseling for the depression. But if they are not in school you and your husband need to announce they have to be working and paying some rent or move out. Simple, and as difficult, as that.
    silverthreads

    Answer by silverthreads at 8:29 AM on Nov. 17, 2013

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