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How do you make yourself accept your stepson if he is spoiled and disrespectful.

My husband had his son fulltime and we spent weekends together before we got married, every other weekend he was with his mother. Now that we are married the son constantly acts up and he is very disrespectful and spoiled. The grandmother buys him whatever he wants, if he breaks his ipod she replaces it, if he leaves his bike somewhere, they buy him a new one, they do not teach consequence, but I teach by two kids 9 and 17 that nothing is free. HOw do I deal with a kid that I am coming to resent and not like? Let me add that he can't sit still and I work from home so when my daughter comes home from school (9 also) she puts on her headphones and plays video games and you don't know she's in the house.  My husband gets mad that I don't bring his son home and he hangs out with his grandma, but I spend a lot of time on work calls and doing spreadsheets and can't take the distractions.  When I mention that the childs mother only lives 10 minutes away and maybe she can take him for a bit my husband says that he can't rely on her and it's now my responsibility.  I am at a lost because he expects me to basically replace the childs mother and that was not discussed before we got married a year and half ago.  Oh and because we fight so much over the kids my husband has moved out with his son about 4 times because he never let go of his house.  Another thing, grandma also spends as much money on my husband, buying all of their clothes and paying my husbands bills when he doesn't, so any suggestions on how to handle this situation?  My 17yr old son stays out with his friends or at work because he doesn't like that my husband tries to tell him what to do and yell at him while he is here.

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LostBecca

Asked by LostBecca at 10:11 PM on Nov. 18, 2013 in General Parenting

Level 3 (21 Credits)
Answers (15)
  • Remember he is still a kid and he is the product of those that raised him. When he is with you maybe you should just disengage a little bit. You can not re-raise this kid on the weekends and you will end up hating yourself and him if you try.
    tessiedawg

    Answer by tessiedawg at 10:15 PM on Nov. 18, 2013

  • So he didn't act up until after you were married?
    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 10:17 PM on Nov. 18, 2013

  • Obviously you did not spend enough time learning about the man (and his son) before getting married.
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 10:19 PM on Nov. 18, 2013

  • He was misbehaved before we were married, but it seemed to get worse after the marriage. He literally will be playing in another room and if my husband and I start laughing he will run into the room and try to sit on my husbands lap. It seems that he is afraid that I am taking away attention from him. I feel bad that I have feelings of resentment and I tell myself, "he's just a kid", but I just can't help but not feel an emotional bond with this child.
    LostBecca

    Comment by LostBecca (original poster) at 10:21 PM on Nov. 18, 2013

  • I thought I did spend enough time getting to know them. I dated him for 3 years prior to getting married and knew them since the son was 2. We didn't spend alot of time together during the week with kids, since I work from home we would spend time alone, so even though he had his son full time, I would only see him every other weekend. But maybe your right, maybe that still wasn't enough time to get to know them, as an everyday thing.
    LostBecca

    Comment by LostBecca (original poster) at 10:23 PM on Nov. 18, 2013

  • How old is your stepson?
    PANZONSMOM

    Answer by PANZONSMOM at 10:25 PM on Nov. 18, 2013

  • I misunderstood, I thought SS was 17. He's only nine? You need to continue to remind yourself he's only a kid. He and his Dad are a package deal. SO you must do everything in your power not to nurse this resentment and dislike you seem to have. Talk to your DH and possibly to a family therapist, if your feelings continue to fester it won't be good.
    tessiedawg

    Answer by tessiedawg at 10:26 PM on Nov. 18, 2013

  • Sounds like the KID just yearns for attention.
    PANZONSMOM

    Answer by PANZONSMOM at 10:29 PM on Nov. 18, 2013

  • You need to communicate with your husband the things that you are having an issue with. You need to be a united front, and while you don't want his son to feel threatened by losing time with his father - you also need to set down boundaries and stick to them together so that he understands what is allowed and what is not. Even though you dated for 3 years, it would have been a good idea to discuss parenting before getting married so that you had this all worked out. Since that hasn't happened yet, that's where I would suggest starting.

    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 10:29 PM on Nov. 18, 2013

  • "Oh and because we fight so much over the kids my husband has moved out with his son about 4 times because he never let go of his house."

    This is actually what bothers me most. This is your house, then? I might just change the locks.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 10:34 PM on Nov. 18, 2013

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