Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

My Estranged Mother

Me and my Mother have not spoken in 7 years. The reason for this is because she is a very mean, woman. She drove a wedge between me and my sister, for years. And 7 years ago, after caring for her after she got out of the hospital for an injury she incurred whilst being in one of her "Mean Person" moods, I had got to the point that i couldn't take it anymore. She seemed to direct her meanness towards me, again ..And all i was trying to do was help her. She began her condescending, rude ways and I had, had my fill of it. For many, many years I put up with this woman's meanness, and Recently I heard, through relatives that she is not doing so well, Health wise. It hasn't all been bad. We were very close at one time. But, of course she made sure to ruin that, as well. My sister won't speak to her either ....But, i suppose my question is this ...Should i try to make amends with my Mother before she dies? ...Or, could i live with never saying goodbye? ...What would you do?


Thanks!

Answer Question
 
girl_a_gogo

Asked by girl_a_gogo at 10:18 AM on Nov. 22, 2013 in Relationships

Level 3 (17 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • Only you know what you can live with. If you want to try then go for it. If it fails then at least you'll know you tried. If it works then good for you. If you don't try and are ok with that then you'll be fine.
    baconbits

    Answer by baconbits at 10:22 AM on Nov. 22, 2013

  • You might want to give it one more try. Then you will know you did all you could and will have no regrets later. GL
    silverthreads

    Answer by silverthreads at 10:25 AM on Nov. 22, 2013

  • Is SHE willing to make amends,or will she just return to her mean and condescending ways? If she's not willing to change,you're just walking into the lion's den once again
    butterflyblue19

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 10:39 AM on Nov. 22, 2013

  • Visit her when you can.
    virginiamama71

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 10:50 AM on Nov. 22, 2013

  • Being a mothe of 2 DD's. One that hasn't talked to me in, I thing 10'or so years and the the other that reasontlyhomeless stopped talking to me, been 2or 3 years for her.
    Me personally. If I was dying or was just really old and could die soon. And my DD's decided to talk to me just to make them selves feel better. Because I was dying.
    I would tell them where to shove it. Even now at age 52. I feel it is to late for my oldest to try to fix our relationship.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 10:59 AM on Nov. 22, 2013

  • Stupid auto correct . Recently stopped I meant.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 11:03 AM on Nov. 22, 2013

  • Make amends and say goody bye. My paternal grandmother died when I was 16. My dad was out of his mind and forced me to go to school instead of allow me to be with her, and the rest of the family, when she passed. I never got to say goodbye to her when she was still alive. I'm 32 now and still hate that I didn't get that opportunity.
    Rosehawk

    Answer by Rosehawk at 11:06 AM on Nov. 22, 2013

  • My MIL died last year. DH hadn't spoken to her in a year, because of her constant meanness and accusations that he was lying about everything he said. She had abused him physically when he was a child. We didn't even know she'd died; we actually found an article on Patch.com about DH's older brother trying to find a home for her cat! (BIL is a real piece of work; long story here.)

    He's never shed a single tear about her death. He was more upset that he had to find out months later in an online article than anything else. He sometimes feels bad that he doesn't feel bad. And when we were told she'd been suffering dementia for years, I felt a little badly. But not too much; she abused him and reaped her own harvest.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 11:11 AM on Nov. 22, 2013

  • I think getting clear about your expectations and also about what you really want (or what matters most to you, given the various options of reaching out or not reaching out) is key to deciding how to proceed. I don't think there's a wrong answer or a "right" one (meaning, one particular choice or scenario.) I do think that understanding/coming to terms with the fact that you can't control the outcome of any possibility overture or initiative on your part is important. If it "goes badly," is it still important to you to have reached out? Or do you only wish to reach out IF she will respond in the motherly way you wish for? What are you expecting? Are you (would you be) doing this for your own personal reasons or in hopes of a specific or "good" outcome? Are you depending on her, or making a choice for yourself?

    These are the kinds of things you can engage internally. I think it's about grieving your losses & gaining clarity.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 11:42 AM on Nov. 22, 2013

  • I think forgiving and making her your best friend are 2 seperate things.
    For me it would depend on was she mean, or did she abuse you or let someone else abuse you?
    I don't think there is anything wrong with writing a letter to her, and letting go of what she did to you when you were younger. I would say I would like to see you face to face, if it is the same shit different day, then leave and say sorry that you are ill. At least you tried and won't have to worry about how you feel after she passes.
    2kids2dogs2cats

    Answer by 2kids2dogs2cats at 12:30 PM on Nov. 22, 2013

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.