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3 Bumps

Is it normal for an adult kid to tag along with parents?

I have a SD of 30 years old currently staying with us. She doesn't have much social life and really like to tag along with me and my DH. My DH thinks it is normal because she likes to be close to him. I think it is abnormal because she is a grown up and she needs to have a social circle of her own. Because of this, we argue a lot to a point that it ruined my marriage. Since she moves in we don't even have intimacy any more. She would occasionally walks in to our room when my DH and I are talking, or stands outside the door listening. It freaks me out. I want to know if this kind of behavior is normal?

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sky357

Asked by sky357 at 10:45 PM on Nov. 22, 2013 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 2 (7 Credits)
Answers (16)
  • I tag along with my parents occasionally. We are all adults now and like to hang out sometimes. That being said, I do have my own social group and wouldn't want to constantly be up my parents butt.
    kmath

    Answer by kmath at 10:47 PM on Nov. 22, 2013

  • It's not odd for her to hang out with her parents but that does seem pretty excessive.
    maecntpntz219

    Answer by maecntpntz219 at 10:59 PM on Nov. 22, 2013

  • My brother is in his late 30's. He just moved back in with my parents after breaking it off with his girlfriend of 12 years. He tags along with them a lot when they go out. They don't mind at all. He has his own friends, but many of them live out of state, and the rest are busy quite often.
    anime_mom619

    Answer by anime_mom619 at 11:02 PM on Nov. 22, 2013

  • If she's listening at the door, ride him like he's a bucking bronco, screaming "yeeee-haaawwww!!!!!!"
    That will get her to stop.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 1:47 AM on Nov. 23, 2013

  • Whenever I was with my parents in their home, I frequently "tagged along" with them. A trip downtown, or out to dinner, & I can remember riding along to Costco back in the day. lol My point is I could have stayed behind at home, but I frequently would go along with them places. We enjoyed each other's company. The last time I lived with them was for a year between college & graduate school (I deferred my enrollment for a year, went home, and worked.) But I would "tag along" with them places during visits, too. Not just to see them/because it was a visit, but just because. (Once I had a baby, for instance, I'd be more likely to stay at the house rather than "just go along" somewhere with them when I was visiting, and I still got to see them plenty.)

    But neither of my parents found it intrusive or abnormal.

    The "listening outside the door" thing may be to determine if you're up/awake, and if it's "okay" to interrupt...or NOT!
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 5:41 AM on Nov. 23, 2013

  • My thought would be to set your expectations about private/personal spaces and communicate them.

    Also, you could be curious about the situation's actual meaning (not just your interpretation), by asking your husband about their habits when she was growing up. How did he & his ex manage things with their kid(s) when they were together? Would they find either parent in their bedroom to talk, so that it would not be that strange to the daughter to do so now? Or if he was a single parent earlier, how did he manage that issue during his parenting time? You may find that there was no firm boundary or expectation during waking time, and that family members approached each other even when they were in their bedrooms.
    It's possible to have no special "consciousness" about the room; it really depends on the family's habits & expectations.

    I would respond to what bothers me with communication about what's preferred (such as knocking.)
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 5:53 AM on Nov. 23, 2013

  • You need to just inform your DH that she is moving out,PERIOD!
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 7:02 AM on Nov. 23, 2013

  • Tagging along isn't all that odd - I do that sometimes. Sometimes we're going to the same thing (a family event, for example) and we'll travel together to save on gas. We do birthday dinners out, and like to all celebrate together. Stuff like that.

    The listening outside your door....that does sound weird, but as girlwithc suggested, it could be that she's trying to determine if it's okay to knock because she doesn't want to interrupt you or wake you up. I would sit down with her and your husband, and talk to her about it, and ask why she does it. If it's legitimate, like trying to figure out if you're awake/interruptable, she'll say so. If she gets overly defensive or embarrassed or upset or something, then you'll know it's not legit and maybe your husband will see it too.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 7:27 AM on Nov. 23, 2013

  • I still have sons at home, and sometimes they go places with us, but sometimes we tell them we're going on a date, and they know that means we want some romantic time alone. My husband values our time together as much as I do so it isn't an issue.

    We enjoy having the boys with us a lot of the time, but we also enjoy our date time. We don't tag along on their dates, they don't tag along on ours.

    I'd be upset if they were listening at our door though. I think I taught them better respect for our privacy.
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 9:38 AM on Nov. 23, 2013

  • I can understand if tagging along when you are visiting. And even when you are living together, it's normal if it is occasional.. But my SD wants to be left right center in our life. She gets upset if we don't include her. She will then say or do things to send us to a guilt trip, especially with her dad. And while she goes out with us she likes to dominate the conversation and dictate our schedule. My DH and I can't even have any conversation without her inserting her two cents. It's very tiring.
    sky357

    Comment by sky357 (original poster) at 10:26 AM on Nov. 23, 2013

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