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Some advice please.. a tad bit of a rant thrown in also..and long. ☺

A short history... Almost a month ago, a 'friend' of my husband's kicked out his mother and sister for reason that is really hard to explain, and entirely to long to write about. And I know there are 2 sides to every story, but when is it acceptable to kick out your mother and sister knowing they have no place to go?? Well we have a fully furnished basement. Has a big screen TV, carpeting, everything. Access to washer and dryer, bathroom with shower, even a microwave. When they came to us asking for help and they said they would pay $350 a month and they receive food assistance every month as well. DH and I thought great! Extra income, help out with food, a win-win for all. But here is when it makes me think twice about letting them stay here. I mean they are not big things, but you know how some stuff adds up. And you never really get to know a person until they move in with you.

Well it seems like mom 'Alice' is a lot domineering and severe co-dependent issues with her and daughter 'patty'. Patty is 20 yrs old doesn't work, and seems to have no friends, and Alice has SSI and gets $900 a month. I had a talk with my husband last night and it seems like after comparing the last few days events, Alice is trying to drive a wedge between us!! A incident a few days ago, Alice tells him one version of a story about a food give away at her church and that we were late because I didn't feel like going and it was only after she asked please we went. What happened was she told me a while back that the give away lasted until the food was gone which was around 4 pm. On the way there, which was around 1 1:30 she 'sighs' and 'oohs' telling me she hope we get there on time and that there was food left. I told she told me it was 4:00. But she was like it was 2:00. Then she asks him if I could be doing drugs!!! Or one time she told him I was out all day long doing 'errands' but was it possible I was cheating on him. Because I didn't tell her where I was going. She isn't my fucking mother. Does she think we do not talk?? Seriously?

One night i was cooking dinner for all of us and she comes up wondering it was enough there for her and patty and if I could cook a little extra for them. They both are pretty good sized women. Patty is 250 lbs at 5'4 and Alice is pushing 400 lbs easy. I tell her there is enough, maybe not for going back for 2nd helpings. I said we have to kinda watch it because it was gonna be awhile until we can go shopping. She gets mad and actually has a self pity attitude and pouts and ends up NOT EATING!!! I was pissed, But I was fine, more me and DH and dd, even though Patty did come up and eat. But apparently she thought I was gonna go and ask her or beg her to eat. Nope. We had no leftovers. She got pissed. She then tells DH, and just DH, she will just eat the food she got from the church. I was like ok, whatever when he told me.

The other day her and patty was talking each other about going up to the mail box, and (I was reading a book while they talking to each other), but didn't feel like walking too much. I waiting for them to ask me to drive them up. Mind you its only a block up. 10 minute walk tops. I could tell they were hinting for me to speak up, but I didn't. If they asked me, I wouldn't have a problem, but hinting to me is irritating.

Its just little things, like the occasional 'sigh' and 'oohs' when something happens, loves the attention. The 'feel sorry for me' act, the hinting, the guilt trips she like to do with me. She has nothing on my mother! lol But this thing with my DH she is pulling pissed me off, and I have every intention of setting her STRAIGHT. The domineering thing she has with Patty. The veiled insults claiming they are affectionate terms. Like calling Patty 'porky' and I see that hurts her when Alice says it. But I am torn on that knowing its not my place, but so wanting to speak up. But yet, they are ALWAYS together. But when Patty is just with me on a doc appt day, I see the Patty emerging, but gets buried when mom gets back in the picture.

Would there be anything one of you would do in that regard?? I bite my tongue a lot and keep my opinion to myself, but its soooo hard at times! Patty is young enough to be my daughter!

PS.. I have known both of them for awhile, they have been over for dinner parties ans such before this all happened.

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Michigan-Mom74

Asked by Michigan-Mom74 at 2:02 AM on Nov. 27, 2013 in Relationships

Level 34 (66,351 Credits)
Answers (15)
  • There isn't a blind thing you can do to stop Alice's behaviour to her daughter (and it's none of your business either ... but you already know that). However, you could try to boost Patty's morale. Compliment her on her hair, tell her that the colour she's wearing really suits her, brings out the colour in her eyes, etc. Ask her opinion about things. You get the idea. Make her feel good about herself.

    About Alice's ways with your husband ... It's up to him to deal with it. She's suggesting you're cheating on him? It should just take one time of saying "I get the impression you're suggesting my wife is cheating on me ... but why on earth would you do that?" Also, if he whines about you to him he needs to tell her he's not interested and to take it up with you. He might also tell her he's not interested in gossip. Most women are mortified if they feel they're being accused of gossip :)

    goldpandora

    Answer by goldpandora at 2:16 AM on Nov. 27, 2013

  • You said they are living in your fully furnished basement?  What are they doing in your part of the house? Do they have a door of their own to the out side?  If so, I would put a lock on the basement door.  Only let them up a meals.  They do not need to be in your space all the time.

    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 7:29 AM on Nov. 27, 2013

  • I think now you most likely know the reason for them being kicked out. Personally it sounds like you need to help Alice find a place of her own that she can afford and get her out. Don't offer her a choice. With $900 a month plus Snap she should be able to find a place to live. Patty sounds like she can be helped and maybe let her continue to live in the basement with you.
    baconbits

    Answer by baconbits at 10:10 AM on Nov. 27, 2013

  • Okay, first and foremost: YOUR HOUSE, YOUR RULES. This goes for renters as well. This is still your home and your place. If they don't like the rules, they can find somewhere else to live.


    Second: You and your DH need to confront her about the things she is saying TOGETHER. Like the suggestion that you are cheating. Your DH and you need to be together with her, he needs to tell her to repeat what she said to him privately in front of you. Hold her accountable. She will be more uncomfortable about staying and will have more of a reason to find somewhere else to live if you do not allow her to run your home. You are right, she is driving a wedge between you and your DH, even if she doesn't do it intentionally.


    Nothing you can do about the guilt trips accept refuse to go along. You can confront her and tell her that passive aggressive behavior does not work on you.

    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 10:59 AM on Nov. 27, 2013

  • Eviction notice.
    January 1st.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 1:45 PM on Nov. 27, 2013

  • First thing that needs to happen is both you and your dh tell her you will not talk about the other one when they are not present!! No more stories. If she has something to say, she says it to both of you. Then if she tries to spread stories, walk away and refuse to listen. Tell her, "we'll talk when _____ is home". And end the conversation. Then I'd be polite but very upfront about her innuendos, sighs, comments, etc. She does it bc no one has called her on it. she makes a hint about something, ask her "did you want something?" Then tell her no, the walk to the mailbox would be good for you. If it's about food, ask her 'do you want to eat?' Then give her a fair portion or tell her to find the pb&j in the cupboard. I'd be very upfront and call her on her games. she is being a passive aggressive bully.
    Nimue930

    Answer by Nimue930 at 3:38 PM on Nov. 27, 2013

  • Thank you all! I was concerned I was being too 'sensitive'! I did call her out today, and she tried to back pedal big time claiming DH misunderstood what she was saying. My mouth hung open in utter shock at that statement. She has been subdued for the most part today, staying downstairs. Which was fine by me.
    " You can confront her and tell her that passive aggressive behavior does not work on you."Quinnmae
    You hit the nail on the head with that Quinn, that describes her to a T.
    Michigan-Mom74

    Comment by Michigan-Mom74 (original poster) at 5:00 PM on Nov. 27, 2013

  • I did call her out today, and she tried to back pedal big time claiming DH misunderstood what she was saying.


    ^^  This is why you confront her together as a united front.  If she is accusing you of something, or even mildly insinuating that something "might" be happening, she better be sure enough to own her words.  Next time you put your DH right next to you when you confront her on her talking out of both sides of her mouth.  That way she can't wiggle out of it.  You will make her so uncomfortable that she will work on getting out of your house before you can find a place for her to go.  

    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 10:40 PM on Nov. 27, 2013

  • I think what she pulled tonight was the cherry on the cake so to speak. She went outside and was smoking a cigarette, she calls for my DH saying she saw a guy walk inside of the vacant house next doors to ours. We have had people go inside and strip out the copper from the pipes, they even took out the furnace and hot water heater at some point!! Anyway, we call city police to come out and take a look and to make sure there is nothing on that could catch fire. Well DH was out there for about 10 min, 19 degrees to see if he would see the guy leave. Didn't hear a thing, so DH calls the 911 dispatch back to cancel the car, the person probably left through the side of the house where a broken window is. She goes to bed, DH goes next door to once again to try a secure the door, and to his surprise, there were NO footprints in the snow!! He would have looked like a fucking idiot if city came out and saw no signs of the break in.
    Michigan-Mom74

    Comment by Michigan-Mom74 (original poster) at 10:50 PM on Nov. 27, 2013

  • Why does a person do that?!? What possible reason can someone have to make up such a stupid story? That bitch is out on her fat ass as soon as I can manage it. We would have for all intents and purposes, lie to the police, lied on the call to 911, and would have had a cruiser come here for false purposes when he may have been needed elsewhere.
    Michigan-Mom74

    Comment by Michigan-Mom74 (original poster) at 10:54 PM on Nov. 27, 2013

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