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2 Bumps

With twins, can you feel more connected to one than the other?

I have 4 children & I couldnt imagine my life without them. My youngest are fraternal twins boy & girl 5 months old. I gave birth at 36 weeks at which they both were in NICU right after. My son came home a week later and my daughter one MONTH later. Ever since birth I feel a very special bond with my boy, but not for my daughter. Most times i feel like i am neglecting her because i give my son most of my attention. I love her very much but i have mixed emotions about her. Is that bad? Am I a bad mother?

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Mari S.

Asked by Mari S. at 1:50 AM on Dec. 2, 2013 in Babies (0-12 months)

Level 2 (4 Credits)
Answers (8)
  • yeah you should probably start saving for her therapy bills now... poor kid!!
    Crafty26

    Answer by Crafty26 at 2:10 AM on Dec. 2, 2013

  • You've known him longer, I think it's normal for you to feel closer to him but you need to make a concerted effort to spend time with your baby girl to get to know her. You realize you aren't spending time and attention on her so now is the time to remedy that. If your feelings of ambivalence towards her continue I would talk to your dr about possible ppd - not sure if that would be a possibility or not?
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 6:07 AM on Dec. 2, 2013

  • I think that you should speak to a professional. If you are aware that you are favoring one twin over the other at this stage you may have some underlying issues that need addressing.
    tessiedawg

    Answer by tessiedawg at 6:47 AM on Dec. 2, 2013

  • Yes, I think you can feel more connected to one twin than the other at times, just like with any children. But what you are describing sounds (to me) like disconnect on your end, just some difficulties around blocked, unprocessed feelings that are interfering with your ability & capacity to connect now. It makes sense that you'd have feelings around the circumstances of their births & the subsequent separation, and it's normal that you would not have processed those traumatic feelings fully. It is hard to get the support needed to do so, plus you probably weren't aware of the full extent to which you were affected! (I know I was not, and there was no NICU time for my twins, but there were other significant stresses for our family.) I bonded strongly with both of my twins, but I struggled with my feelings about my 4 year old, and just in general. The experience triggered old issues from childhood trauma, for me. Therapy HELPED!
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 7:01 AM on Dec. 2, 2013

  • I recommend that you ask your primary care physician or family doctor for a referral to a therapist. That helps you narrow down the options if you don't know where to start or who to consider, so you're not just looking in the phone book.
    Go to the therapist & talk about how it feels to feel this way, and talk about the birth experience, what it was like to have your babies in NICU, any disappointments or challenges or difficulties from that time, any feelings of guilt or inadequacy, etc. This would be a time to talk freely about the things loved ones can sometimes have a hard time listening to (because they care about you, and because they feel responsible for your emotions & feel a need to "cheer you up" or "make it better.") Talking about the past & the present (the present is what would bring you to therapy) can help to get old feelings unblocked & expressed. Grieving a loss, a disappointment, a shock, can help you NOW.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 7:11 AM on Dec. 2, 2013

  • Yes. They may look alike, but they are separate people. It happens with any siblings not just twins. You will connect with each of them on different things.
    2autisticsmom

    Answer by 2autisticsmom at 12:36 PM on Dec. 2, 2013

  • I agree that talking to a therapist or other professional might be a good idea. Also, please don't take on any guilt. This isn't your fault, and there's no reason to feel any inadequacy or discomfort over it. Emotions are what they are, and it's healthy and proactive of you to realize now, at an early and very correctable stage that you have different feelings for your twins and that there may be some issues that need rectifying. It's a lot better that you work through the issues now than if you had waited thill they were teenagers, when there would have been a whole lot of damage to repair for all of you. Best of luck to your family.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 2:08 PM on Dec. 2, 2013

  • no, they feel a connection with one another.
    christina122952

    Answer by christina122952 at 3:37 PM on Dec. 2, 2013

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