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Separation- Am I being Fair by asking for this?

I have a daughter grown and out of the house as well as a 5 year old son. He has a 5 year old son also. We have been living together for over a year, but 9 months ago P and I has an enormous fight, he tried to get drunk to drown his anger, but it just added fuel to a fire......horrible things were said and a few things in the house were broken. He lived with his buddy for a while, but after talking, promises of AA and a few counseling sessions- he moved back in. He has been alcohol free, going to AA and counseling and things have been great on that front.

But other things are popping up..... 1) His son has autism, and he is very easy-going in regards to the therapy and work that needs to be done on a daily basis to help his son learn and grow. He wants him to thrive and work towards being productive/typical....but doesn't seem motivated to do what needs to be done. 2) His boss totally screwed him over regarding his pay and a few other things (5 months of issues), and he seems content to let it happen. He is a founding member of the company and has lots of faith that the company will succeed and he will be making 6 figures soon. I don't have that confidence at all. Thats a 400% pay increase. 3) I come up with a gameplan for our paychecks...and once he gets his (he gets paid every other week)- it's spent. Gone. We might pay one utility bill with it, but thats it. My paycheck goes for everything else. Rent, car, utilities, food, etc.

I'm losing respect for him because of all this. I think if one of these four things had happened, it would bother me so. But- these four things in only 9 months....it's too much.

So, I've been toying with the idea of asking him to move out- and prove to me that he can be a man, support himself, be the father that his son needs and woo me back.

I know it may ruin the relationship- but I'm afraid having this go on and on and on, will ruin it too.

I'm a disabled single mom....do I follow my heart or my brain?

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:46 PM on Dec. 2, 2013 in Relationships

Answers (13)
  • Use your brain and tell him to go and mooch off of someone else.
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 1:51 PM on Dec. 2, 2013

  • I would not continue in this situation. I would tell him I would like to see it work, but changes have to be made. Then name every one of them. I would rather live alone for the rest of my life than to constantly feel that I was being used and/or ignored. So, I say lay all your cards on the table and change the locks on your doors.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 1:53 PM on Dec. 2, 2013

  • Use your brain. You are being used as a meal ticket.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 1:55 PM on Dec. 2, 2013

  • If you aren't happy you need to communicate that to him. No sense continuing in a relationship that isn't working.
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 1:59 PM on Dec. 2, 2013

  • He needs to wake up and face his responsibilities. Especially the ones regarding his son. I'd talk very frankly with him, then tell him it's time for him to go. dont put any conditions on it such as "if you improve in 6 months, you can come back". He might just improve enough to come back to his meal ticket, then slack off again. Just tell him to go. If he wants you back, he'll do the work without any prompting from you.
    Nimue930

    Answer by Nimue930 at 1:59 PM on Dec. 2, 2013

  • Get out. And no, don't give him another chance. He's mooching off you. Better to be alone forever than to be used as a meal ticket.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 2:03 PM on Dec. 2, 2013

  • I don't know what you should do. We just get to see this little window of what you describe.


    From what you wrote, #2 isn't that much of an issue IMO, just because you can't change how much money he makes. If he is a founding member of this business, then I am guessing that he is vested in it. Perhaps he can pick up a part time job if time allows to make up the money to help contribute to the household expenditures.


    #1 is an issue because he is showing you what kind of parent he is. You will end up doing most of the work for his child while he is in your care.


    #3 is also an issue if it means that he is spending his money on other things than bills and necessities because he is showing you how he prioritizes things in his life.


    I would always suggest basing decisions on thinking instead of feelings.

    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 2:05 PM on Dec. 2, 2013

  • Sounds like you need to follow your brain. You are financally doing it by yourself already it sounds like, or at least mostly. What are you with him for?
    Tell him to move and bring his kid with him. Tell him if he wants you to watch the kid. To pay you to do it.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 4:55 PM on Dec. 2, 2013

  • I would send him packing, honestly.
    jeanclaudia

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 7:45 PM on Dec. 2, 2013

  • Have you been going to counseling with him as well?
    My 1st reaction to this is that you should listen to your brain and send him packing. But then I read it again and the part that sticks out is "He has been alcohol free, going to AA and counseling and things have been great on that front" So he has been doing what you asked. If it were me, I would praise him for what he has been doing great and suggest that the 2 of you attend counseling together. Then bring all of this up in counseling in a non-confrontive way.
    tempsingl3mom

    Answer by tempsingl3mom at 9:26 PM on Dec. 2, 2013

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