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Biomom has different rules

We have shared custody and my 16 year old sd spends every Wednesday and every other weekend with her bio mom. We just found out that bio mom lets sd smoke cigarettes and even buys them for her. My dh says there isn't much we can do about it. DH and I both smoke and we know what a terrible habit it is and we didn't want sd to ever start smoking. I guess it's bothering me more than it does dh. Has anyone else had to go through this before?

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Asked by Anonymous at 3:30 PM on Dec. 7, 2013 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (9)
  • well, if you guys smoke and mom is letting her when she's at her house, Im pretty sure there isn't much you can do- other than tell her she can't smoke in/at your house...but since you do...that's gonna be a hard one

    Answer by charlotsomtimes at 3:32 PM on Dec. 7, 2013

  • It's sad when they start smoking that young and I went through that two years ago when my oldest was 15. I couldn't stand there with a cigarette in my hand telling her she couldn't smoke.

    Answer by JanetR74 at 3:37 PM on Dec. 7, 2013

  • There's not much you can do about her rules - it's her house, and unless you want to try for custody, she can set her own rules. And trying for custody - I promise you, it WILL come up that the two of you smoke, so I doubt the judge will think that you would be better for the daughter over the smoking issue.

    The only thing, I think, that you can really do is simply keep trying to convince the 16 yr old to quit smoking - and that will be a lot easier if the two of you quit smoking first, or at least with her.

    Answer by wendythewriter at 3:46 PM on Dec. 7, 2013

  • Everyone needs to quit. I started at 14 and never stopped. I am so scared it will kill me.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:55 PM on Dec. 7, 2013

  • How about a New Years Resolution that you all quit together. Support each other thru the rough times. Bribery might work too! lol ;p And if she tries to throw it in your face that you smoke too, then you can always say you are adults & children cannot do what adults do. You might want to mention how hard it is to quit, but you'd be willing to do it together as a family as long as she doesn't cheat while she's at her mom's. GL

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 4:37 PM on Dec. 7, 2013

  • Your best bet, truly the only one that will have any credibility if you ask me, is to offer to quit smoking along with her. She might buy it if you all three try to do it together. Otherwise, you're preaching do as I say, not as I do, and she's going to resent the hell out of it. Why wouldn't she? If you can't kick the habit with he, leave her alone about it.

    Answer by Ballad at 7:23 PM on Dec. 7, 2013

  • Each house has its own rules and there is nothing that the other parent can do about it or IMO, should. However it is illegagal to buy cigarettes for a minor in most states and you could turn her mother in for giving them to her. The examples that bothe her parents and you have and are setting is that smoking is ok. It is as much your fault as her mother's with the exception of the purchases.

    Answer by Dardenella at 9:05 PM on Dec. 7, 2013

  • Bullshit you can't do anything. You could tell bio mom she is breaking the law by giving dd cigs. Its called contributing to the dilinquincy of a minor. A class 6 misdemeanor in my state. She can be arrested and convicted, go to jail for 6 months, pay a fine and have a criminal record. Someone needs to give bio mom a reality check as to what can happen. You probably don't want to report her and have her arrested but dh can talk to bio mom. And if dd is caught she will be in trouble. Its called minor consumption and she will have to go to court, do community service, pay fines and have a record. Also if she sneaks and smokes at your house and gets caught, you and dh could be charged with contributing to dilinquincy of minor. People underestimate what cigs can do to your lives.

    Answer by jenny3344 at 2:46 AM on Dec. 8, 2013

  • Teens imitate what they see around them. While you may care about her health, what she sees is her parents, all of you, smoking. That is a huge influence. Just by being in places with second hand smoke is harmful. I know. I have severe asthma as an adult because I lived with two smokers. They did not smoke in my face. Just typical smokers. It catches up to children. Honestly, talk to her. Tell her you are concerned. Tell her why. But why should she believe anyone when you and her dad still smoke? The biggest motivator may be for you and he to make an honest attempt to quit. Allow her to go to your doctor appointment to discuss your quitting smoking. Let her hear the doctor give you the straight up warnings. Let her see how hard it is for the two of you to end this unhealthy habit. In time, not right away, it may be enough to sway her choices. Model what you want for her.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:29 AM on Dec. 10, 2013

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