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2 Bumps

How do I deal with separation from my husband?

My husband and I have been separated since Halloween when he left me. I've posted before of all his issues he has with my ex's involvement with my boys and Halloween was the last straw for him when I allowed my ex (against my husband's wishes) to take my boys trick-or-treating in "our" neighborhood with their friends. So he left me that night and hasn't been back. We are both in a standoff right now as we don't see eye-to-eye and neither one of us is willing to give in to the other. I finally saw him for the first time last Wed. in a counseling session, but nothing has changed. He is now just taking the time to think about whether or not he is willing to spend the rest of his life in this situation in dealing with an involved ex since I am not willing to put certain boundaries in place that I think are ridiculous. I feel he is obsessing way too much over my ex's relationship with my boys instead of focusing on our relationship. I honestly don't feel he will be able to accept my life as it is because I feel he has a lot of jealousy and insecurity issues he needs to take care of. He doesn't believe so, however, so that's why I feel this whole separation is probably a lost cause. So what do I do in the meantime? Wait for him to decide if I am worth it? Do I try to move on and start dating? Do I still wear my ring? I know I shouldn't rush into things, but at the same time, I don't want him to think I will always be there waiting for him. I just want someone who will love me for me and everything that comes with me. He used to feel this way, but when we finally got married, that all changed. What should I do?

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Asked by palike at 2:51 PM on Dec. 9, 2013 in Relationships

Level 4 (42 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • Focus on your boys and live your life. Don't start dating if you are not divorced. World of problems and you won't have time to heal properly. Filling voids doesn't fix them, you need to work on your hurt.

    Answer by amazinggrace83 at 2:56 PM on Dec. 9, 2013

  • I say you go to counseling, you need to work on yourself before you can make a choice as what to do. Why would you even consider dating again? I remember your posts, and I think you have some issues that need resolved before you can have a healthy relationship. Nobody gets married and "changes' all of the sudden, you just didn't heed the warning signals, and thought getting married would make it all better.

    Answer by 2kids2dogs2cats at 3:00 PM on Dec. 9, 2013

  • I agree with amazinggrace. Focus on your boys, and things you want to do with your life. If you start dating before you're done with counseling then you're wasting your time and your money. If you have already made up your mind, then you might as well see a lawyer. Marriage is difficult and when you add ex's to the situation it becomes even more challenging.

    Good Luck Mama.

    Answer by ohwrite at 3:01 PM on Dec. 9, 2013

  • Divorce him, don't worry about dating. Counseling for YOU. Get yourself in a position where you will never ever pick a dud again. If that means you don't date for years, so be it! Better to wait for a healthy relationship than to rush into a bad one. He's not the father of your children, so you can wash your hands of him completely once the divorce is final.

    Answer by gdiamante at 3:06 PM on Dec. 9, 2013

  • Focus on yourself and you boys right now. Forget about your husband, even if you love him. Easier said than done, I know. Been there, done that. But it's the only way. Take care of you. You're the only "you" you've got. It's a cliché, but it's true. Counseling will help. Call your county health department if you need to find low-cost resources in your area. Put dating on the back burner or better yet, take it off the stove and out of the kitchen altogether right now. Wait till you get yourself sorted out a bit. How can you know what kind of a man you want till you figure out who you are and where you're going first? Best of luck to you. Wonderful days are ahead; go get 'em!

    Answer by Ballad at 3:10 PM on Dec. 9, 2013

  • You are thinking on dating and you are not even divorced yet. It hasn't even got to that yet. Why don't you decide what you want to do. do you want to stay married to this guy or not? Don't let him decide for you. He left over a month ago. and hasn't made up his mind yet if he wants you or not? Time for you to decide. Then tell him.

    Answer by louise2 at 4:25 PM on Dec. 9, 2013

  • I don't know, it sounds like you guys are in an essentially healthy (although difficult) place. You were clear about your boundaries & did not adapt them "just" because he left. He was upset & left, and is "trying to figure out" whether he can accept these terms, and stay married. That's pretty much what needs to happen! You have no way of knowing whether or not he'll be "able" to accept your life/boundaries/decisions. It's entirely possible that he WILL engage his insecurity issues, unlikely as it seems to you. Being in this situation, with you still open to the relationship while holding boundaries you believe are right (responsive, but unwilling to agree to limits that you think are ridiculous), is what creates the possibility!
    Your husband is finding out that he can't make you decide to do whatever he wants re: your coparent. His decision about whether or not he will live with that will decide whether he engages.

    Answer by girlwithC at 3:23 AM on Dec. 10, 2013

  • I would ask those questions (from the end of your post) in a counseling session, if needed.

    You guys saw each other once, and probably are feeling equal amounts of "stuff" as a result of the experience. This is a dynamic time of learning. He may be waiting to find out things like, What happens now after you saw him & nothing had changed? How does that affect your decisions? He takes in that information and that informs his feelings & decisions. If you DID agree to terms "just to get him back home," he'd find it had been worth "holding out." If you don't, but you clearly stay open/receptive, it solidifies for him that these are the terms & he can have a responsive, respectful, dynamic relationship with a woman who will maintain her integrity but will listen & adapt flexibly when she can.
    It's unlikely for an individual to reach acceptance & engage personal issues(grow) before fully registering & experiencing futility.

    Answer by girlwithC at 3:50 AM on Dec. 10, 2013

  • The true, deep, personal experience of futility (which involves sadness, grieving a loss) is what leads to adaptation. THAT is when humans soften, grieve, and begin to adapt, making decisions & choices as they come to terms with "reality." The "finding out" stage precedes all of that (and an individual can't register true futility while still focused on discovering if THIS will "work"--if she'll cave in after she sees that nothing has changed with me & I'm no closer to coming home, etc. That's still part of "finding out" if pressure/leverage will "work.")

    I just got reminded of a situation early in my relationship with my husband *dating about 4 months), in which I learned that his personal limits would hold against my pressure, against "reasoned" arguments & emotional leverage. I remember how he stayed open to me/my feelings but held his limits in this area. Futility sank in. It was a time of growth & adaptation, for me.

    Answer by girlwithC at 4:12 AM on Dec. 10, 2013

  • move on

    Answer by christina122952 at 3:01 PM on Dec. 11, 2013

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