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Heart = broken

So this afternoon my 3 year old and I walked up to my 4 year old's school to pick her up. Normally we drive but it's very close and today is nice out so we just walked up there. On the way back, she said (and I didn't prompt her at all, we hadn't talked about him today or anything) "I don't want to go to daddy's."

She just went this weekend, and won't have to go again until the 22nd. So i asked her why and she said because he's always mad at her....

I will admit that she is definitely a handful and she will test the hell out of you. I'm often "mad" at her myself because she NEVER listens. She does what she wants. But I know how HE is when he's mad, and he used to get upset just in the short hour he visited them before the court order changed and they had to start going to his house every other weekend. When he's mad he makes everyone miserable. He's intimidating to be honest. I wouldn't want to be around him either when he's mad.

So i asked her if he hits her when she gets in trouble, SHE said yes, on the butt, but my 4 year old was listening in and said no, he doesn't hit them. But my 4 year old DID say that he does get mad at my 3 year old alot. he only sees them 4 days a month, and he's stretched so thin he can't even keep his fucking temper in check those 4 days?

idk... i know kids say things that might not be true, or their own perception of the truth. but i believe her because ive seen him get pissy around them before. i dont want my babies to be uncomfortable or scared, and lately they get very quiet and my 4 year old even cries when it's time to go over there. my 3 year old then proceeded to say that she wishes she could stay with me forever and not have to go back :(

besides documenting and comforting/supporting her, is there anything i really can do in this situation? i dont think mentioning it to him is wise either, given his short fuse.

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tnm786

Asked by tnm786 at 1:11 PM on Dec. 11, 2013 in Relationships

Level 43 (159,608 Credits)
Answers (8)
  • Ouch! What a tough spot to be in. For now, I'd just write it all down. I wouldn't mention it to him or it might get worse. But I'd gently remind your four-year-old that she can tell you anything without fear. And check them carefully and discreetly for bruises every single time they return to you. I'd hate to be where you are, Mama!
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 1:20 PM on Dec. 11, 2013

  • Honestly, I'm not sure what you can do in that situation, short of talking to their dad - which I'm sure wouldn't go well, by the sounds of it.

    My 5 year old used to leave my house and tell his dad that he didn't like coming over because my fiance and I would just yell at him. Of course, that was back when he was 3-going-on-4, and at that age we all know how they can really wear us thin. Honestly, it was my fiance that made my son feel that way. My fiance doesn't have a temper like your ex does, but his version of "yelling" and my version are quite different. He is a loud guy to begin with, so to my son and I, when he raised his voice it sounded like yelling. Anyway, I just talked to him about it and he tries to stay quiet now - and no more issues.

    I feel for your daughters, for sure. You can't exactly take away his time with them, and I would imagine you feel very helpless.
    AdensMama0308

    Answer by AdensMama0308 at 1:21 PM on Dec. 11, 2013

  • Ooh I agree with Ballad - take notes. I take notes on my son's dad (when my fiance and I get married we're hoping to reverse our current custody arrangement, due to my son's dad being an irresponsible prick). I always remind my 5 year old that he can tell me anything, and if he doesn't want me to tell his dad or my fiance then I won't. I want my child to know he can always be honest with me and I will help him.
    AdensMama0308

    Answer by AdensMama0308 at 1:23 PM on Dec. 11, 2013

  • I agree with what has been said. Document EVERYTHING, and make sure they know that they can talk to you about anything. ((hugs))
    saphire_eyes802

    Answer by saphire_eyes802 at 1:47 PM on Dec. 11, 2013

  • You need to just pay someone to hit him with a dump truck. I'm sorry but that guy just doesn't deserve to share the same air as your children.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 3:26 PM on Dec. 11, 2013

  • Documenting things never hurts. However, if you plan to use something like this to impact his visitation, I would highly recommend getting the kids into counseling. Many courts will not listen to hearsay, but documentation and her talking to a therapist about it will allow the courts to petition her to testify if needed. I have a good friend that's ex was doing horrible things and even if she told the attorney and the therapist, they both said it had to come from her DD and with her out of the room. She told the therapist and it went on record, but it was never really used against him for changing his visitation. He simply had more money to fight than she did. He was putting one of her girls in the closet for time outs, and he burned her butt with a blow dryer (the metal grill thing where the hot air blows out, it like branded her butt with those grill marks). The therapist called him and he denied it.

    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 6:40 PM on Dec. 11, 2013

  • I would say something to him.
    sunnysideup89

    Answer by sunnysideup89 at 9:54 PM on Dec. 11, 2013

  • I was about to write that we could hope he gets hit by a bus, then I read PGA's answer!
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 11:07 PM on Dec. 11, 2013

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