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2 Bumps

I have had to cut almost everyone out of my life

First of all friends ARE important so before you go thinking oh my! Just remember you are probably happily married or in a relationship which is why you may see this as nonsense, because it's true when you are in love, it feels as if nothing else matters but the one you are in love with. When you are in love, it is just you two against the world. I now see that this is an unhealthy approach to love. Give every person in your life just as much love and just as much of your time. Then all the sudden when the love of your life rejects you out of nowhere because he is having an emotional affair, you realize that these friends you had are as important as your family, which is why they have always been there for me because even if they haven't been what I have been through, they see my good intentions, even if I don't always make right choices (such as addictions/flings/drugs and alcohol) I am a recovering alcoholic. Good friends want the best for you and they do not have such horrible lives that they try to bring you down.

I don't know what has gotten in to me lately, but I had this huge wave of enlightenment come over me.
It all started with the end of a 6 year romantic relationship..although that was 9 months ago now. I was sober for eight months then relapsed. Now sober for 2 months again. ANYWAY.
Perhaps this is somewhat of a vent, indeed, but I just wanted to ask, have you ever had to completely (and all at once) "clean out" your wardrobe of friends?
This includes males and females, all for different reasons, but now I am only left with one best friend (10 years) and two (1.5 year) gal pals. Anyway although I hope I am doing the right thing, I just needed a place to express my sadness for these losses, because now there is a hole in my heart. Actually lots of holes. Also if anyone could give me insight on how one must go about figuring out who is good for you in your life and who is not..If they yell at you once, forgive and forget, if they yell at you twice move on (I would think this is a good rule of thumb, is that correct?) As much as I love Tina for example..she just has too many issues, therefore abusing me in the process of her anguish. We were friends for seven years. Below are names and reasons, and in parenthesis are how long we've known each other. I do see a pattern which is that they became abusive after about seven years.

James:abusive/ex fling/drug addict (8 months)
Tina:unstable/"I hate you, I love you, Don't leave me" syndrome (7years)
Andy:Good friend until recently found out In love with me, he told me so/became possessive/jealous/wanted more than friendship all the sudden/angry when I rejected sex (7 years)
Jason:Always asks if we can get back together/Or just wants sex?/ex-husband/personalities fit but lack of spiritual connection/nothing to talk about (10 years)
Joaquin:my one true love/6 years together/too insecure,cocky, arrogant, annoying now that I'm not wearing rose colored glasses/lots of spiritual connection/personalities clash (7 years)
Sarah:Devout Catholic, criticized my beliefs/judged everything I did/put downs/thinks she's better than me/conflict of interest/annoying

Feel free to give Constructive Criticism but please do not bash. I have a therapist to help me see why these friendships turned out the way they did (because it's a two way street I am sure)..which is I just started ignoring all of them. They will message, but I block because I deserve to be treated better and I want to change my life completely for the better. I feel so straight edge these days it's boring but right. It is my fault that I sought out people with issues. But when I met them, I was not in a good place myself (abusive/unstable mother..and I was an alcoholic at the young age of 15). Thoughts, questions, stories, words of wisdom, similar experiences, advice, kind words all appreciated. 
Have mercy, please, as I have literally just spilled my guts out. Thank you.

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sunnysideup89

Asked by sunnysideup89 at 1:29 PM on Dec. 11, 2013 in Relationships

Level 8 (266 Credits)
Answers (9)
  • "Closet of friends" is an interesting way to put it! I've never had to clean the whole thing out because I've always "decluttered" as I went along. Not one of these people you describe would have lasted two months for me. I don't have time for people who are emotionally draining.

    My "closet" of friends has always been very very very small. There are a couple of "classics" who've been there all along. There are the "seasonal" ones whom I see in certain situations but really at no other time. And there are the "fads" who come into my life through work or my son's school, and then when things change they're gone and it's rare I see them again. I've only had one "ejection" from the closet, and that's a fairly recent event because of her behavior toward me and my husband. I haven't had an argument with her; I'm just not working to stay in contact.

    You're doing EXACTLY the right things.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 1:54 PM on Dec. 11, 2013

  • This is refreshing news to hear. Thank you and I will work on weaning them out little by little next time instead of giving so many chances thank you!
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:01 PM on Dec. 11, 2013

  • I think there is nothing wrong with cutting harmful people out of your life, I have maybe 3 or 4 people that I consider close, the rest are just "friends", now that doesn't mean you have to have a big blow out and explain yourself to each and every one of them, people change just like you are, so I would just be "busy" or say you are working on yourself.
    As for the ex lovers just cut them off, no explanation needed, don't call me anymore should suffice.
    2kids2dogs2cats

    Answer by 2kids2dogs2cats at 2:08 PM on Dec. 11, 2013

  • they say that when you stuck in many relationships that seem the same (like a continuation of abusive relationships) you're only doing that to yourself and in those relationships because that's all you think you're worth. if you want to change your way of life, you have to change your friends. your post is one good example and also maybe the reason why your friends are YOUR friends. you pick these people to be your friends because that's all you think your worth just like as if you were in a relationship.

    there are some "friends" of mine that delete and blocked me from facebook and for some reason I told myself that they probably are doing it for a good reason and they are still my friends but in reality, its just that I like being accepted. now I think to myself, if they delete me on FB why am I still their friend in real life?

    we all have issues that need to be worked on, sounds like you're cracking down on yours. :)
    americansugar80

    Answer by americansugar80 at 2:21 PM on Dec. 11, 2013

  • I couldn't agree more with you america!
    We are who our friends are..
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:28 PM on Dec. 11, 2013

  • It is very good that you are seeing a therapist. And though I do hear some sour grapes, I also think you are in pain.
    Hopefully your therapist can help you to see why you are drawn to these types of people and help you to see that you are a worthy person and deserve to look for good friends.

    Someone else said these would not have lasted in my friendship "closet" for very long. They would never have made it into my friends category. They can be people is see on occasion and am friendly with but never my friends.

    Keep working at it and keep telling yourself about the good qualities you have inside you.
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 2:39 PM on Dec. 11, 2013

  • Your therapist would be a better source to ask since your therapist has all of his / her information at their fingertips and they can ask you anything if they think they may be on to something.
    Just looking from what you wrote, it seems that you are seeking something in yourself. Filling a void in otherwords. That's what addiction is about for a lot of people. It could be that after getting sober you are seeing things a little differently. I don't know what your friends share in your recreational habits, but if they are also addicts it could be that you are seeing things that they won't see until they get sober as well.
    I think learning to forgive ourselves for past decisions and damages is a very big step, especially when learning and determining our self worth. Keep up with therapy and find people with things in common. Support groups are a good place to start.
    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 4:32 PM on Dec. 11, 2013

  • And by finding people I mean find friends, or even emotional support in that realm. Commit to yourself that you will not have a romantic relationship for a certain period of time and give yourself time to heal and find your path. When you finally find your path, the rest will come naturally.


    And I have had to let go of friends and family because they were no good for me.  It sucks to feel let down and disappointed / betrayed by people that you cared for.  Unfortunately, we learn these things by experience.  The key is actually learning and remembering how and why things go wrong.  

    QuinnMae

    Answer by QuinnMae at 4:35 PM on Dec. 11, 2013

  • take care of you.
    virginiamama71

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 6:41 PM on Dec. 11, 2013

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