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2 Bumps

Is it me being emotional or is he being a jerk?

Sorry ladies, no sex scandals to read in this question. ;-) My husband has a dominant personality, which is good in a lot of ways but it is taking it's toll on me lately. He has 100% control of our finances, which I like because I hate dealing with money. I have my own account separate that I put $100 on the 1st of the month from my job then I earn the rest with home business. When I was doing well with my home biz and was shopping for myself, he said I was being selfish. We've agreed to disagree there. Another gripe I have is he is demanding when he speaks. He never asks for anything, he demands it. "Move" instead of "excuse me" etc. Our 5yr old has picked up this lovely habit. I work full time and he has been unemployed for the past 2 1/2 years so I am really only responsible for laundry and getting the kids to bed at night. He maintains the house (although not to my standard but not what my issue is now) and cooks dinner etc. I hate that he tells me it is time to have the kids brush their teeth or that they need baths. It is demeaning and makes me feel like worse of a mother than I already feel like I am for working all the time. I have talked to him about it but he blows me off, which then makes me feel worse and I think is the biggest pain I have in all of this. His lack of care when I tell him how I feel makes me feel unimportant to him. This is where I'm confused. Am I just reacting to him because I am already guilty for being away from my kids or is my irritation with him well placed? Either way, I am at a loss as to what to do to fix this.

Answer Question
 
cat1622

Asked by cat1622 at 1:49 PM on Dec. 11, 2013 in Relationships

Level 9 (357 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • He's an asshole
    butterflyblue19

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 2:04 PM on Dec. 11, 2013

  • He sounds like a jerk, and honestly, if my DH treated me that way I would seriously consider divorce and at the very least marriage counseling.
    mommy_jules

    Answer by mommy_jules at 2:08 PM on Dec. 11, 2013

  • He needs to lead by example with better manners. He is raising children and that is an important job. Are they in school? Encourage a part time job. As for telling you when the kids need to brush their teeth I do that to my kids dad. I just know their schedule. I am not an asshole for that.
    staciandababy

    Answer by staciandababy at 2:14 PM on Dec. 11, 2013

  • He need to go to counseling, and you may hate money, but I would be involved in what you have in your account and what you all are spending each month, this is a sure way to get a big fat load of debt that you will have to pay back when and if you divorce. I would demand he go to couseling, does he not know manners? When you were dating did he say things like "Move it?" He seems to have lost what his mother taught him about being polite.
    2kids2dogs2cats

    Answer by 2kids2dogs2cats at 2:14 PM on Dec. 11, 2013

  • He's the stay at home parent. Stuff like bed time etc falls under his jurisdiction now.
    I fail to see how it is wise to let the person NOT earning any income dictate how the money gets spent.
    As far as attitude, people are assholes, or they aren't. That can't get fixed. He's probably always been that way to some degree.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 2:30 PM on Dec. 11, 2013

  • He is probably feeling inadaquate himself since he is not employed. You may need someone to mediate so that you can learn to talk to each other.
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 2:31 PM on Dec. 11, 2013

  • aside from abuse
    i always thought a good way to judge a relationship is...
    not the best of times and not the worst (these make up a small fraction) ((aside from abuse- not counting that))
    a relationship judge is all the stuff in the middle , the 90% of the time, the daily living

    your 90% does not sound pleasant
    fiatpax

    Answer by fiatpax at 2:39 PM on Dec. 11, 2013

  • he is being a bit of a jerk to me.
    christina122952

    Answer by christina122952 at 2:42 PM on Dec. 11, 2013

  • It sounds like you all need some outside help in learning how to set and enforce personal boundaries. There is nearly a dominant personality in a marriage and one that is less so. There is some change that needs to happen on the part of both spouses. Navigating that movement can be difficult even in the best of circumstances. If you can't afford to pay for counseling, contact the churches in your area. Almost all of them have trained counselors on staff, and they don't charge a penny for their help. People can and do change, but most people need a little help in doing so!
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 2:52 PM on Dec. 11, 2013

  • Sounds like a wee bit of jerkdom going on. I agree counseling for communication skills might be helpful, but some of it is simply adjusting to each other's styles. Manners were a big deal in my family growing up, not so much for my boyfriend. I tend to get my feelings hurt very easily over 'move' instead of 'excuse me' where he doesn't even notice he said one or the other, so I've had to learn to toughen up over the years and he's had to learn to let his tongue slip a little less often.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 3:32 PM on Dec. 11, 2013

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