The TMI flag is up for graphic descriptions, so if you're squeamish, stop reading. If you think I give out too much personal info, stop reading. This is long, if that bothers you, stop reading. I'm kind of panicking, I hashed this all out years ago in therapy, but I have PTSD and no one else to talk to and I'm triggering, I need some help, if you're still with me and reading, please talk to me a little. If you want to be mean, go elsewhere right now.
I had to force my daughter to take cough medicine before she went to school this morning, and I'm wondering if I did the right thing. Reasoning failed. She's five. She wasn't that sick. No fever. Well enough for school. But she has asthma. I gave her a double dose of her inhaler, which is recommended, and called the nurse with instructions for an extra dose at noon, but she needed cough medicine. I had a chocolate and a drink of water for afterward, all the coaxing, but to no avail. So I held her hands, and her dad popped it in her mouth and held everything closed. The first dose she spit out all over her shirt and the floor, so we cleaned her up and tried again. He held tighter, and in a jiffy she swallowed. There was some gagging and screaming, and then it was all over. She went to school just fine.
Problem is, my mom used to force feed me. Particularly Carnation Instant Breakfast, which she didn't stir up too well, and I hated. If I complained about the chumks of chocolate at the bottom, she'd pour the glass down my throat and make me swallow. If I barfed, she'd make me swallow that. If the glass hit my nose and it bled, down that would go. If I cried, the snot would go down with the rest. I'd get sent to school in the shirt I had on, blood and chocolate and all. I'd just zip up my jacket and go. I always kept an extra shirt in my locker to change. It was a small town, CPS was a joke because my mom knew people at the police department. So anyway, I hashed this all out in therapy years ago, but I have lingering PTSD. I've had the shakes and panic attacks for the last hour, tears and hyperventilating and crap, and I just need someone to tell me if I did the right thing or if I really f**ked up and hurt my child and maybe I should have backed off on the cough medicine and let her go without it because I'm not sure. Sometimes parenting is difficult and confusing and you just can't wrap your head around what the right choice is because there are so many voices in your head pulling you in different directions freaking you out and you aren't sure which one to listen to and I'm alone in this house now and I wish some of you moms were here to have coffee with me.
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