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2 Bumps

How would you deal with this/

I have a sister that I hate, her kids are rude and out of control, a dad & stepmom and sister that are disappointed in me because I chose to work instead of going on a california trip with the family because I am broke. If I had my choice I wouldn't see any of them at all. Does anyone else have family they want to avoid? How are you surviving? I think I'll start up drinking.

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:29 PM on Dec. 15, 2013 in Relationships

Answers (14)
  • "If I had my choice"

    You do have your choice. It's completely within your control to not see them anymore.
    Brawn

    Answer by Brawn at 1:36 PM on Dec. 15, 2013

  • Nope. You make it clear that you are an adult and ONLY YOU make the decisions when it comes to your life. I moved away from mine. If it comes to it... lay down your rules, stick by them, stop communicating unless they understand your ways.
    m-avi

    Answer by m-avi at 1:36 PM on Dec. 15, 2013

  • Nope. I want to see my family I just can't. You always have a choice. Especially in the day and age of Caller ID on the phone. You can choose not to see them. Just don't come whining when they give you your way and drop all communication.
    2autisticsmom

    Answer by 2autisticsmom at 1:57 PM on Dec. 15, 2013

  • Here's the wedding disaster again.....
    Seriously. You need to just move on.
    Remove negative. Focus on positive.
    PartyGalAnne

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 2:15 PM on Dec. 15, 2013

  • Hi there. Whatchya drinkin' this morning?
    staciandababy

    Answer by staciandababy at 2:38 PM on Dec. 15, 2013

  • Surviving plus staying in a comfortable place became a lot more easy & possible when I learned (through some conscious effort) to get comfortable with other people having their feelings, without ME feeling like I need to control them (or have them be different) in order to feel okay, myself. It is about getting comfortable with the reality that people (including family) sometimes will be disappointed in me or by my decisions, and that they may even let that disappointment be known! If it no longer is something THEY are doing wrong ("making me" feel bad, or giving me a guilt trip) but instead is simply THEIR thoughts, opinions & feelings, it is a lot more manageable.
    This is not automatic, and you can't "change" how you feel. The key is to RECOGNIZE how you feel (that you are feeling uncomfortable or guilty or resentful because THEY aren't happy & think you did something wrong; that you're feeling defensive.) See it as it is.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 4:09 PM on Dec. 15, 2013

  • If you recognize that you're having trouble with boundaries & emotional enmeshment at those times (instead of focusing on how they are being horrible, unreasonable, or manipulative, etc.) you can begin to mature emotionally, which means developing more clear personal boundaries (literally where "you" leave off & others begin.) If you have trouble with this, as many do, it's just because you weren't raised in an environment where your personal boundaries were recognized, let alone protected. You probably were "responsible" for your parents' upsets (you "made them" mad, etc.) and as a result became OVER responsible for others, without a strong sense of self & personal limits. Children can't mature that way if they aren't supported, and too many children internalize unhealthy unconscious beliefs/assumptions as parents use disappointment, hurt feelings & anger to "influence" them.

    Your family sounds enmeshed.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 4:16 PM on Dec. 15, 2013

  • You were concerned about this and you did the right thing. Stand your ground. They are toxic and very annoyed they couldn't make you go. Screw it. Not your problem.
    jeanclaudia

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 6:24 PM on Dec. 15, 2013

  • We cut all my husband's side of the family off LONG ago. We occasionally talk to his sister but it's very rare. Surviving just fine. Happier without them.

    They're merely blood. That's NOT FAMILY. True family are those who treat you the way you wish to be treated, who build you up instead of tear you down. All these other people? Accident of birth is what connects you all.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 7:15 PM on Dec. 15, 2013

  • I have a brother I have not spoken to in 5 years, and I doubt I ever will. I have been told by my sister that he won't speak to me until I apologize for something my mother did. Well, he can just keep waiting.  As gdimante said, some "family" is just an accident of birth.

    musicmaker

    Answer by musicmaker at 1:57 AM on Dec. 16, 2013

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