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How should I handle this?

Recently, I found out my 15 year old son experimented with marijuana. I expressed my serious dislike and disappointment and remind him of the house rules and consequences of which several privileges will be taken for a month. And because I was so frustrated, p&@#%ed off, when he asked me would I rather him smoke cigarettes or marijuana, I hastily answered cigarettes. Then I noticed a pack of mine were missing. When I asked him, he said no and because I have no actual proof, I can disagree but can't accuse him for certain. On top of that, I have been told from very reliable sources that he has continued to do both, marijuana and cigarettes. Lastly, again, not thinking rationally and beyond angry, I knew he snuck cigarettes from me and didn't punish him at the moment. Now I am aware that a lot of people will bash me and call me a bad and irresponsible parent for both of which I know I am and already feel like. My question is how can I not necessarily take my actions and words back but somehow find a way to make this right if that's possible.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 2:20 AM on Dec. 16, 2013 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (16)
  • You are a smoker. By his logic you have no right to tell him not to do it. If I was the kid I would tell you to fuck the fuck off.

    How to make it right? Stop smoking.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:28 AM on Dec. 16, 2013

  • By telling him not to smoke when YOU are a smoker makes you a hypocrite with no legs to stand on. If you want to make this right, then YOU need to quit smoking and set a better example for your child.

    Answer by Rosehawk at 2:32 AM on Dec. 16, 2013

  • This is true but I have also tried to explain to him that I don't want him to follow behind me as far as cigarettes are concerned. Also, not that it will really matter, but I wasn't smoking at 15, I was an adult when I started which I have also told him.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:36 AM on Dec. 16, 2013

  • Sounds like it's time to quit.

    Answer by PartyGalAnne at 2:40 AM on Dec. 16, 2013

  • I am not a smoker. My husband was. When he quit...I went through withdrawal!
    He's been "second hand smoking" your cigarettes all these years...

    If you both quit together, asking him to help you break your addiction as you help him break his. You'll both be healthier, you'll draw closer together as you support each other and discover inner strengths about each other neither of you realized before.

    Make it a fun challenge...reward each milestone. Celebrate progress.

    Answer by vanillaorchida at 2:51 AM on Dec. 16, 2013

  • Looks like you need to quit together. How can you punish him for smoking when you do it?

    Answer by Crafty26 at 5:58 AM on Dec. 16, 2013

  • I'm sorry, I don't understand the logic that if the parent does it, then it's OK for the kid to do it. We drink alcohol too, but there are age limits/laws in place that say a teenager can't drink alcohol. Same with cigarettes. Yes it's an expensive habit that most of us smokers picked up as a teen. However, if I could go back in time to my teenage self & warn against even starting, I would. Hubby & I have tried to quit several times. The closest we came was the E-cigs. It's easier to never smoke, than it is to quit. I'd be questioning why he feels the need to smoke anything. What kind of friends is he hanging out with? If he's involved with sports or clubs that are school sponsored, they can sometimes drug test & will penalize those who smoke too. Quitting together would be ideal, but I know 1st hand that's easier said than done. GL

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 7:02 AM on Dec. 16, 2013

  • The problems here go way deeper than the smoking. Your son is demonstrating his lack of respect for you, and that did not develop over night. It has been built over years. The idea of quitting together might work. I would start by telling him that I realize that I have made mistakes and asking him to forgive me. None of us parent perfectly, but few of us are willing to admit that to our children. It's always a good place to start.

    Answer by NannyB. at 8:07 AM on Dec. 16, 2013

  • I agree with mrsmom110. Just because an adult does it doesn't mean the child can do it. We drive cars, he can't drive alone yet legally, does that mean he should be able to drive a car because his parents do? Alcohol for sure. Adults can drink, does that mean he should be able to drink? He isn't legally old enough to buy his own cigarettes, so should he be smoking? NO.

    Mom should quit to set a good example and more importantly for her health.

    I think it's important to know who he is hanging out with, and what they are doing. I'd probably get drug tests and insist he stays clean or he won't have his regular privileges. You might want to talk to a counselor for some help with this one.

    Answer by ohwrite at 9:14 AM on Dec. 16, 2013

  • Lead by example and quit. If you do not have cigarettes laying around, then he will have nothing to steal or sneak from you. If you are worried about the MJ, then make him do random at home drug tests. Other than that, everything else is all talk.

    Answer by QuinnMae at 9:30 AM on Dec. 16, 2013

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