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It's just one of those days. Only, a month-long one.

DH has enlisted and leaves for Army basic in 5 days. I don't know what I'm going to do without him. I haven't had insurance since 1/11, and have not been able to afford a doctor. I'm not trying to claim it, or open doors for it, but I have been struggling off a serious depressio since having my second (and last) DS.

I am a SAHM. Not by choice, only that with no degree, I can't afford daycare here.

I feel terrible. I am not a baby person. At all. My kids drive me absolutely insane some days. I love them, don't get me wrong. I would never give them back or turn back time, but I just dont know what to do with them anymore. They fight all the time. They do things to deliberately disobey the rules. I am well aware that's part of having children, but I have all but lost the joy in just being their mother. I want to miss my kids when I'm away. I want to be excited to pick DS4 up from pre-k instead of have to wrestle DS3 into the car, kicking and screaming he doesn't want to go. I want to be able to take them to the park without them brawling. I want them to be able to take a bath without a gallon of water spilling on the floor.

I have tried time outs. I have tried coddling. I have tried redirection, I have tried! I have 15 different parenting books! The only thing it has done is block my DS3 from having any currency. There is nothing I can do for/to him to encourage/make him do anything he doesn't want to do. Ds4 is now showing OCD tendencies! My DH is leaving, my 1800sq ft house was condensed to a 900sq ft house due to finances, everything in my house is destroyed. It is a mess, and all I want to do is sleep. I just want a whole night's sleep where I don't have to worry whether I will wake in the morning to find my boys in the back yard at 7am, or decide 3 meals a day for everyone. I just want someone else to take over for me so I can get my shit together! I can't afford a babysitter, my inlaws are (quite literally) worthless, and I have no close friends here I could count on that wouldn't spin around and discuss my business with someone else we know.

I was supposed to get to spend the day with DH last Saturday. Ds3 got sick, so we didn't get to. I understand stuff like that happens. But it'd be so nice to afford for him to take a day off work and just spend some QT. I don't know who he is, who I am, or where we're going as a family anymore. I have lost everything within me that was recognizable. I realize after 3-4 days that I haven't even bothered to look in the mirror. Maybe because I'm afraid to find the water on the bathroom floor I missed...

Today, I woke up excited to get to bake cookies with my boys. One discussion after another discipline, after kicking one away from the table because he wouldn't stop playing in his food, the wet floor, fighting them to stand still for a haircut, fighting them to shower, another water mess, the tub clogging up, cracking my head on the towel cabinet... We skipped lunch and went straight for a nap. 40 minutes later, we're all just laying here. I can hear the boys talking in the other room still. Nothing seems to be going right, and I can't just sit down and cry about it.

Girls, I desperately need some words of encouragement. I don't know how I'm going to do this all alone after he leaves!

Answer Question
 
matobe

Asked by matobe at 3:07 PM on Dec. 24, 2013 in Preschoolers (3-4)

Level 21 (10,174 Credits)
Answers (12)
  • Do not have any more kids. That is about all the encouragement I can give you. Your DH is going in the army? Hope you are use to doing it on your own. My DH was in the army 20 years. I am well aware of the army wife life.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 4:04 PM on Dec. 24, 2013

  • It sounds to me like you have multiple issues going on. First is your depression, anxiety, etc. I'd get my butt down to a supplements store and buy some Valarian Root and some Vit D. Take it every day without fail. It will start to help. Then, i'd find a support group or at least one other mom you can personally share this with. Then, with your kids it sounds like they are running the show a little too much. Kids respond well to love, consistency and boundaries. make sure you are giving them all three. personally, I'd stop their behavior before it's really began. Watch them and when you know they are getting to the point they will act out, put them in their room or somewhere they can gain control of their behaviors before they are out of control. Do this every time. Dont wait for the bath water to be on the floor. Does that make sense to you?
    Nimue930

    Answer by Nimue930 at 4:19 PM on Dec. 24, 2013

  • You can't do this by yourself. Call your county health department or 211 an get some mental health support in your area. Look for a Mommy and Me group, a church group for mothers, a library program, something. But you're headed for disaster of one kind or another if you go on the way you are.
    Ballad

    Answer by Ballad at 4:59 PM on Dec. 24, 2013

  • DH had a vasectomy after #2. I have always been a SAHM, and going it alone doesn't seem like too big of a feat- I just won't have anyone to vent to who would possibly understand or help me.

    My kids are not hellions like I let on. I just don't do kids well. I don't do their noise, I don't handle their messes... I always feel like I'm reining myself in from coming down too hard on them. It's to the point my DS4 is ashamed to make mistakes. His teacher has called me in for 5 conferences just to specifically tell me how proud she is of DS4, that he's ahead of his class, and he gets some of the more challenging things to do in the classroom. He's so smart and kind.

    DS3 is a mess. He has no idea what he likes to do when his brother is not around. He is lost without DS4. He becomes so quiet, so gentle... But the moment you put th together, his boldness runs over. He will NOT do anything he does not want to, no matter if you
    matobe

    Comment by matobe (original poster) at 5:21 PM on Dec. 24, 2013

  • Literally take his arms and put the toys away. He fights me so hard while DS4 is in school all I can tolerate doing I coming home, reading him a book, and putting him down for a nap. I can't stand to fight him. I'd just as soon clang some pans together. It's always too loud, always too much commotion, and my tolerance level has flat gone out the window.

    DH came home early to find the toilet is leaking onto the floor, so probably when DS4 said he didn't do it, this time he probably didn't. And he still got sent to his room.

    I just feel super inadequate. Like I can't even see the whole picture anymore. I just want to pack them up, and while we're gone, have a maid come clean the house and put all the laundry away. Oh, and take all the old toys to Goodwill.
    matobe

    Comment by matobe (original poster) at 5:30 PM on Dec. 24, 2013

  • Hun, we have all flt this overwhelmed at one time or another, but think of this...this phase of being kids is very very short, although it might seem like an eternity now, it is very short....they become teens and all hell breaks loose, then grown up, and all you can do is stand by while you watch them destroy their lives one way or another...so a little noise and mischief is nothing! Hang in there it will all be worth it if you do it right....
    older

    Answer by older at 6:00 PM on Dec. 24, 2013

  • *felt*
    older

    Answer by older at 6:00 PM on Dec. 24, 2013

  • I never really appreciated the days when my kids were little. Now they're teens, and one is almost 20. She will leave soon to study abroad... for a whole year. Now instead of feeling overwhelmed and frustrated, I find myself wondering where the hell the time went, and why are they so big now.

    I spent much of the time when the kids were little doing it on my own. Dh traveled, and then when he was home, he was such a raging alcoholic that he was worthless. He worked late and never helped. I felt so helpless. But now the kids are growing up, and I almost miss those times when they were toddlers and preschoolers. You just have to remember that it is what it is. You just take everything one step at a time, and before you know it you'll be wondering where time went.
    anime_mom619

    Answer by anime_mom619 at 7:39 PM on Dec. 24, 2013

  • I wish I could empathize on the kids situation but I loved my kids and enjoyed being with them and doing things with them. On the other hand my kids knew when I was playing around and when I was serious about what they were to do. I was very clear and I was persistent. I have always loved kids and liked to be around them but if I didn't I would not have had any or stopped at #1 when I discovered that this was not for me.

    Everyone gets down and overwhelmed but it is up to you to decide if you are going to lay down and give up or get up and fight it off. First step is a doctor and some tests. If you can not go yet I would suggest vitamin D supplements. A multivitamin would be a good choice. Fresh air and sunshine will help you and it will tire out your boys.

    Find out what support there is for the wives. Sometimes there are other wives that get together and support each other.
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 12:01 AM on Dec. 25, 2013

  • You might look into direct sales. I am sure a few ladies on here can give you pointers or even sponsor you into a program. You will need a babysitter for the hours of the parties you hold. As you earn a little look into some classes in continuing education.

    What kind of clerical skills do you have? You can always brush up your skills and see what kind of a job you could get in that sort of a field. What are you interested in doing, if you had the training? You can go to the employment office and see if they have some tests for you to help determine what interests you. You can also see what you might be qualified to apply to do.
    Saying I can't will not get you anywhere. Set some goals and see what you need to do to get what you want.

    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 12:08 AM on Dec. 25, 2013

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