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i don't even know where to start. i'm so stressed, i have all these bad thoughts running through my mind, in between my husband being sick and losing his job, and all the pointless and stupid arguments that are pushing me over the edge. i don't know what to do. i love him a lot but i can't stop from thinking am i loving him for the wrong reasons?, am i keeping him around because my parents need his help or because of our kids. the thoughts only come to me at night when i'm laying down to go to sleep, then any other time i look at him and those thoughts aren't there anymore. I am utterly lost and I don't know what to do anymore, i only have one friend i can talk to about it, but I fear she will tell him what I've said.

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Asked by Anonymous at 12:43 AM on Dec. 26, 2013 in Relationships

Answers (7)
  • You married your husband for better or worse, sickness and in health.

    You said it yourself, you're stressed. Guess what, so is he. I bet if you communicate with him, you'll find you have the same concerns.
    Divorce is too easy these days!

    Answer by KTElite at 12:51 AM on Dec. 26, 2013

  • If you only have those "what if's" at night, they may just be the anxieties that get worse in the dark, and nothing worth worrying about. But those anxieties may be worth looking over in your own mind, clearly, in the light of day. If you can't talk to a friend in complete confidence about it, maybe a few brief sessions with an impartial counselor might help. I'm not talking about years of expensive psychoanalysis or anything. Many churches offer brief counseling for one or both marriage partners, or you can call 211 or get ideas for low cost options from your local health department also.

    Answer by Ballad at 1:08 AM on Dec. 26, 2013

  • It seems you may need a counseller or a talk with your hubby about certain issues that you may think that has caused this

    Answer by CandieGirl09 at 5:32 AM on Dec. 26, 2013

  • I agree with the counseling. Financial problems are one of the main reasons couples fight. Add to that, the extra weight you are pulling b/c he is sick & it would stress anyone out. I also agree with checking into whatever resources could help ease your burdens. Whether it's help w/ food, or a home nurse, do what you can to make things a little easier on you. GL

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 6:42 AM on Dec. 26, 2013

  • "Loving him for the wrong reasons?" You either love him or you don't. Or you love him but you love yourself more, which seems more likely to be the case. The man is sick and he is unemployed. Wonder how he is feeling about himself right now? Wonder if maybe he could use a little reassurance and encouragement? Wonder if there's anything you might could do to help him? If you will stop thinking about yourself and start thinking more about how all this is affecting your husband, a lot of your anxiety will disappear.

    Answer by NannyB. at 6:48 AM on Dec. 26, 2013

  • My best advice is to have your feelings (in contrast to putting energy into trying to feel differently than you do, or trying NOT to feel how you feel.) If you are feeling self-doubt or uncertainty around your love/commitment, just feel it as it is. Either way (whether or not you acknowledge it), it is what is happening in you!

    Uncertainty or second-guessing, second thoughts, are just honest feelings. They can be uncomfortable but they don't have to mean anything bad or dire about your relationship. Take a look at your misgivings. They probably have reason or cause. It sounds like, at the very least, you are at a low point & have been through some stressful times. If in addition to the big stresses you mention, your communication isn't great ("pointless & stupid arguments"), then that's a big emotional drain too. Sometimes, misgivings just tell you that you want more & better for your relationship, that you're hurting some.

    Answer by girlwithC at 6:37 PM on Dec. 31, 2013

  • Sometimes there ARE elements of dependency or dysfunction in our relationship "bonds," such as convenience, or wanting to avoid conflict, or "needing" someone for some reason. Any relationship can strengthen & deepen if its "shortcomings" are seen with clarity. For example, recognizing that there's some neediness or possessiveness or selfishness/entitlement mixed into your feelings in a relationship gives you an opportunity to grow. Because something happens next, in response to what we recognize in ourselves, and that becomes substance. I have recognized that I was keeping a friend close out of insecurity, which was both developmentally/emotionally normal (in high school & college) and less than optimal...something worth addressing.

    It's entirely possible to love "for the wrong reasons" in some ways and for that recognition simply to be an indication that some growth & maturing is possible.

    Best wishes.

    Answer by girlwithC at 6:55 PM on Dec. 31, 2013

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