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What's wrong with having a negative experience?

There has been a lot of talk over how some ladies on here are tired of the "negativity" that goes towards adoption. I agree, when I first logged on to cafemom I was taken by surprise. I always pictured adoption to be this beautiful thing, like how everybody portray's it to be. However, I was looking at it from one side.

I have had a negative experience with my adoption, and I have lost more than just my son... I lost a big piece of myself that I don't believe I'll ever get back. I'm sorry that people on here think that our negative experiences are "inaccurate" or "blown out of proportion."

Yes, we may have had a negative experience that has affected us deeply, and it is accurate, real, because I live and breathe it. This is the only place that I can come to to express freely about how I feel regarding my son.

You're going to hear negativity everywhere you go, but you aren't going to do any good in ignoring it.

Answer Question

Asked by rainfalls at 9:58 PM on Feb. 20, 2009 in Adoption

Level 2 (6 Credits)
Answers (27)
  • Breathe out the negativity and try really hard to move on. We live on a negative planet and are bombarded by negativity daily. It's okay to express your bad experiences. By the way, I had a friend with a bad Russian adoption experience, it does happen. Hang in there.

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 10:03 PM on Feb. 20, 2009

  • I never considered my experience to be "negative" till I came here. It sure wasnt great or happy but I come here & now I get this label on it. I dont understand why we have to be perceived as "negative" because we are relating a less then happy experience. I now know this many years later that my choice of adoption for my child was un-necessary. That is true. Its also true my semi open adoption has closed for no reason. I am sad about this yet I have been referred to as "bitter". I have a right to be sad that I dont get pictures. I dont "hate" all adoptive parents...I dont even "hate" MY child's adoptive parents but I am upset because they failed to live up to their end. I shouldnt have to be silenced because some dont like to hear that all adoptions aren't "wonderful". My story is not less valid because its not "wonderful". I am not an isolated case as some would like to think. I share this pain with others like me.

    Answer by lisa89j at 10:25 PM on Feb. 20, 2009

  • i don't think it would be inappropriate at all to have some sort of attachment to a child you carried for nine months. even if you decide to give the baby up, for whatever reason, a normal person is still more-than-likely going to feel some sort of connection. that's not just something you forget about. don't feel abnormal.

    Answer by mlinton87 at 10:26 PM on Feb. 20, 2009

  • you dont "move on" from losing your child no matter how it happens. you continue to live & time moves on. you learn to cope with it as the years pass but "move on", no, you don't.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:28 PM on Feb. 20, 2009

  • People slap the "negative" label on me constantly. The truth is that except for the fact that my son's adoption was a closed one, my experience has not been nearly as horrible as many others. I buried it all for decades. It boggles my mind that so many people think it is possible to just move on and recover as though nothing ever happened. The loss of a child is monumental, and even if one does learn to deal with their grief and sadness, most women are scarred and changed forever.

    Even moms in the best adoptions ever still have painful issues to deal with from time to time. It is tragic when women unnecessarily place children for adoption. How can one EVER consider that positive? We can learn how to deal with our losses, achieve some healing and peace, but how does one consider losing your child a positive experience? Having a negative experience doesn't make one a negative person.

    Answer by Southernroots at 12:32 AM on Feb. 21, 2009

  • If you can't express your true feelings here, then where else? I appreciate input from every mom. I'm a PAP and learning from you all. Thanks.

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 9:14 AM on Feb. 21, 2009

  • I am so thankful that mlinton allows me to have "some sort of attachment " to my daughter that I carried for nine months. I , then graciously will allow her to have some sort of attachment to any children she may have. I wonder who decides how long one must have a child before it is long enough to "count". If I had kept my baby and she had died of SIDS, and she was only a few months old, would that have "counted"? Who chooses who must "move on" or "get past it"? Those who get to keep the babies?I am also grateful that she thinks that a "normal person" would feel "some kind of connection". It often seems here that unless First Mothers are happy and positive with giving up their children they are bitter, but i ask you this. Would it not seem somewhat abnormal to all of you if we were dancing and singing the joy of giving up babies and offering all of you PAPS to do it over and over? Would you not this us unstable?

    Answer by stillamom1213 at 10:12 AM on Feb. 21, 2009

  • Or I wonder..honestly..would you let us give you a baby. Tell yourself that we're a HAPPY Birthmom and that it's for the best. You praise out of one side of your mouth and curse us through the other. We will grieve for the rest of our life. Accept that. It doesn't make us crazy or unstable. It makes us human. Just like you.

    Answer by stillamom1213 at 10:15 AM on Feb. 21, 2009

  • What I often see is that when something is not all rosey and perfect then it's automatically "negative". Well, I say it's the truth. It's the hard honest truth. Every person's experience is different and even mine, which was a pretty good one, is full of heartache. No one wants to think about a birthmom who may discover down the road that she cannot have anymore kids, her situation dramatically turns around soon after the adoption, or she cries every night because she misses her baby. And no one wants to think about the adoptee who may feel out of place for his/her whole life. No, it's much more easy to think about the couple who is so happy with their new baby. Well, there's more than one side to adoption and what should happen isn't always what does happen.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:43 AM on Feb. 21, 2009

  • """some sort of attachment to a child you carried for nine months. ""

    WTF??!! Evidently it sounds like you have never been pregnant. 'Some sort of attachment' about discounting the experience of a mother being pregnant and birthing her own child...Sheesh!

    Answer by LilLizaJane at 11:11 AM on Feb. 21, 2009

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