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What should I do, and is it cheating?

A week ago I learned my husband was looking at some heavy porn on the net. I was very upset by this, and I consider it cheating actually. My view is if you are looking at someone else, then I must not satisfy you and you need to stray to find satisfaction. Looking at porn was the tip of the iceberg apparently, b/c I found out tonight that my husband has joined a sex search website where you can chat with people and meet just for sex. I've looked at his messages and they have said things like, "OoOoOo I like what I see." "I get on at 11" after I go to bed. I am so angry, and sad as well! I'm not going to confront him about the website yet, but I plan on printing out his conversations and messages for safe keeping, so when he denies it, i have proof. Is this a good idea? What would anyone else do? I'm considering separation. What would anyone else do? I want to see if he meets any of them before I really let him know that I know

 
KorisMum

Asked by KorisMum at 1:22 AM on Feb. 21, 2009 in Relationships

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Answers (15)
  • i realize that this may be going too far, and perhaps beyond your comfort zone, but what if you did this:

    get yourself an account on the exact same site he is visiting, if you can make your identity anonymous it will work.
    find him and lure him in. arrange to meet for a "date" and reveal yourself and his phony fantasy. if he declines to meet, then reveal yourself online.
    i think that is how i would my confront my husband, and confront him you should.
    chickenhobbit

    Answer by chickenhobbit at 4:01 AM on Feb. 21, 2009

  • I do think that printing the convos is a great idea. Just don't let him find out. After a significant amount of evidence is collected, confront him.
    CarolynBarnett

    Answer by CarolynBarnett at 1:28 AM on Feb. 21, 2009

  • Yes he is cheating,most likely he pays or memberships to those porn sites as well. I dont think a magazine with nudity in it is a big deal...but when he's dedicated to it like that an dlooking at it online while you all have a family and such...yes,that is cheating I think. I dont think a casual trip to a strip club with the guys for a beer is cheating;or having a hidden playboy is a huge deal...but if my man was looking at online porn at all...I would not be with him
    sweetest-sin7

    Answer by sweetest-sin7 at 1:29 AM on Feb. 21, 2009

  • iif it was me, i would put a key logger on the computer ( he wont find it) and then see what he is really typing to these girls..... and i would confront him... if he lies i would leave for sure but tthat is me. i hate liers and would never be married to one... and if he tells u the truth u have a disision to make....
    Pooky_mommy

    Answer by Pooky_mommy at 1:29 AM on Feb. 21, 2009

  • No he's not cheating. He's acting on a fantasy. Those sites are like some interactive porn thing. That's all. I don't think porn is cheating. He's just using it as a tool to stimulate himself to enhance his time with you. Unless his messages show a time and date of when and where he will actually meet someone I don't think he's cheating on you. I think he is merely fantasizing. I would tell him I saw his site and his messages. I would tell him that you disapprove and that if he takes it further to actually meet someone then there will be hell to pay. Right now it just sounds like he's playing. Men take this stuff as just another video game and not real. Once he makes it real then he's crossed a boundary.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 1:44 AM on Feb. 21, 2009

  • That is a very good idea. I can't ever store evidence because I get too mad, I wish I could I'd do that but still bust him good for it!
    Seven07

    Answer by Seven07 at 2:40 AM on Feb. 21, 2009

  • You should bring it up now. Why are "waiting" for him to cheat? Do you want him to continue these conversations and lead to that, 'cause that's where it's headed. Yes, you should print out the messages, and then confront him! I do not get the waiting part. With that said, I don't think porn is cheating, but if he is having conversations that are making plans to hook up, then you definitely have a problem.
    hopelessnance

    Answer by hopelessnance at 3:33 AM on Feb. 21, 2009

  • Sure print them out. But before you confront him with them I'd ask him if you satisfy him sexually. He may just be bored to death of the same thing day after day.
    Chrissy629

    Answer by Chrissy629 at 6:37 AM on Feb. 21, 2009

  • I wouldn't consider the porn cheating. Sometimes men need to be satisfied without any strings. As long as it's him working on himself. The other thing, where they talk and can meet, THAT I would consider cheating. Or on the path to it. Yes, print out the conversations. And humiliate the hell out of him.
    Buffie95

    Answer by Buffie95 at 8:12 AM on Feb. 21, 2009

  • It doesnt matter what anyone else thinks. The only thing that matters is that you consider it cheating. And the question you need to ask yourself is "will I leave and never look back if he cheats on me?" If the answer is yes, that just leave, you dont even have to tell him why. He'll just deny it and make feel like youre crazy. Simply choose happiness. If the answer is no, than stop snooping around and talk to him and find out why this is coming between you both. And listen to his answers and accept them as the truth. You cant change who he is, you can only decide if you can live with it or if your marriage can survive this.
    younguns

    Answer by younguns at 9:59 AM on Feb. 21, 2009

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