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I need more advice!!!

Yes, I have needed a lot of advice lately, but I am about to rip my hair out.
You probably saw my post about my temperamental 3 year old. She has not only been having meltdowns and throwing random tantrums, she has been lashing out at her brother and lying about it (she forgets that he is now at an age when he can tell on her). Whenever I try to talk her she refuses to answer me or makes things up. I'm at a loss for what to do. When I asked her why she bit her brother at first she said she didn't do anything, then when she realized I already knew she did it, she told me she wasn't going to answer me and told me just to spank her. Wtf? Seriously? If I wasn't already pissed, that sure did it! After a long time out, losing her toys, and getting sent to her room she finally told me she bit him because he fell on her.
After that I tried to find out why she has been acting out so much recently and what suddenly has her so upset (she has been doing this crap for about 2 weeks now and I'm about to rip my hair out). She refused to talk to me again and told me to leave, when she realized I wasn't going anywhere she stated saying things like "because my pillow", "because the window", "because the tree". So I still have no idea what the issue is! I told her that I don't like seeing her upset and that I can't help if I don't know what is wrong, and it got me nowhere!
Any one have any other suggestions for getting her to open up and talk to me; and also to stop the lying. Clearly time outs, time ins, and spanking don't work.

Answer Question

Asked by AF4life at 7:14 AM on May. 10, 2014 in General Parenting

Level 44 (182,177 Credits)
Answers (27)
  • I really think it is funny when parents try to reason with a child. Treat them like they really know why they did what they did.
    Don't you think she is still not liking the fact her Daddy is gone?
    I just took what they did as. that is not a right thing to do. Didn't care why. And punished them. Put them in a corner. Spanked them. What ever punishment. Is she in Daycare?

    Answer by louise2 at 7:41 AM on May. 10, 2014

  • Have you been spending enough quality one on one time with her? Cuddling, reading, etc? Just wondering if she feels left out in some way. And do the kids do something together like make cookies together or kick a ball to each other....with you in the mix, of course. It can help lead to cooperation. And maybe some sort of game....either a board game or something you make up.......where they have to share or be a team against you.. I know they are very young, but just ideas going through my head. Lots of times little ones can not articulate what is bothering them. GL hug

    Answer by silverthreads at 7:51 AM on May. 10, 2014

  • No she is not in daycare, and I do punish her. The problem is that punishing her clearly isn't solving the issue since it happens 2-3 times a day, if not more.

    Comment by AF4life (original poster) at 8:08 AM on May. 10, 2014

  • At 3, she might not know, or be able to put into words, why she's doing this. She might be missing her dad, or she might be feeling distant from you, or feeling like her brother is getting more attention, but she might not know just how to put that into words, or even be able to pinpoint that that's what it is.

    I would certainly keep talking to her, because the only way she can learn to express her feelings is if she has chances to try, but I would worry more about disciplining and stopping the behavior, and leave the reasons behind it as more of a minor thing.

    Answer by wendythewriter at 8:09 AM on May. 10, 2014

  • I think it's normal for kids to lie at this age. DS(4) likes to lie like that too. I just try to drive home the fact that lying about something will make the punishment more severe, so it's better to tell the truth upfront. I've also noticed DS has a hard time explaining why he does things, so I try to make suggestions to see if one 'fits'. I think it might be a good assumption to think she's acting out because she misses her dad.

    Hopefully, some of that helps, because I'm still navigating this whole raising and disciplining toddler/preschooler thing.

    Answer by mommy_jules at 8:09 AM on May. 10, 2014

  • And by the way, I didn't mean to imply that you don't discipline or try to stop the behavior. I just meant I would stay focused on that, and leave figuring out the "why" behind it as more of a minor issue.

    Answer by wendythewriter at 8:10 AM on May. 10, 2014

  • I think what has me the most upset right now is that she seriously said "I don't want to tell you why so just spank me". I was trying to talk to her before disciplining her so that I could calm down before dishing out the punishment. I was already angry because the bite was a bad one and she lied (I am trying to get her to realize that telling the truth is much easier than lying) then she said that crap to me! So clearly she doesn't give a crap about being punished.

    Comment by AF4life (original poster) at 8:17 AM on May. 10, 2014

  • I am trying to get her to realize that telling the truth is much easier than lying

    Okay, what I would do then, is when you know she is lying, make the punishment worse and make sure she understands it's because she lied. "I'm putting you in time out for X minutes. It would have only been Y minutes if you'd told me the truth, but because you lied, I'm adding another V minutes." Then when the punishment is over, try talking to her about why she lied, what she was feeling, etc. And if she DOES tell you the truth about why she does something bad, make sure she knows her punishment isn't as severe because she told the truth. Make it very clear that lying is punished, and maybe even more severely than anything else she could do. Something else I did with my youngest was to start acting like I didn't believe anything he said. If he said the sky was blue, I wouldn't agree without looking up at the sky myself.

    Answer by wendythewriter at 8:24 AM on May. 10, 2014

  • Not being believed got very frustrating very quickly for him, and he figured out pretty quickly that if he wanted me to believe him, he had to be honest.

    Answer by wendythewriter at 8:25 AM on May. 10, 2014

  • she's 3. mine were their hardest when they were her age.

    lyng is NORMAL and I've posted links before about it- I'll see if I can find them again. here are a couple-

    They may have info on biting as well...I didn't check around though

    *sorry they aren't clickies- seems sometimes I can do it and sometimes not


    Answer by charlotsomtimes at 8:30 AM on May. 10, 2014

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